Wednesday, May 5, 2010

And so it goes....

I'm sure you guys have noticed a distinct lack of posts on my part. I'm sorry. I been going through a lot lately, some of it good, some of it bad, but all of it comes together to mean that I'm going to have to put this blog on hiatus. I don't know for how long. I'll be posting a few outstanding reviews that are due, but I don't know if or when I'll be posting again. There's a lot that's going into this, and though I don't know how many readers I actually have, I'd like to give you an explanation. I don't have all my thoughts completely formed, so things might be a little disjointed, and I apologize in advance for that, but I'll try my best.

I've never had the best self esteem. Growing up chubby will do that to you, but having an older brother and going through school, I developed a pretty thick skin pretty quickly. Working at a homeless shelter for youth cemented my ability to let any and everything bounce off of me. I was able to maintain this thick skin because I'd found myself, and been pretty pleased with who I am and who I had become. I've grown a lot since I was 18, and I've changed for the better.

Sex helped. I was really, inexplicably, effortlessly good at sex. I'd never been so naturally talented at something before. The power of walking around knowing I fucked like a porn star, that I came at the drop of a hat, that I had no gag reflex was amazing. I had this secret knowledge that no matter what anyone thought of my looks or my body, they were missing out. I was more comfortable naked in bed then clothed.

I had always been a serial monogamist, but after my most recent break up, I entered my slut phase and unabashedly started sleeping with many more people then I had before. I made myself a set of rules, mainly to keep me from fucking half the city. I wasn't going to have sex with someone I wouldn't want to make out with. I wasn't going to have sex with anyone I didn't like. I wasn't going to break up closed relationships.

I sought out experiences, kinksters, threesomes, whatever I could find that was new and interesting. I was racking up partners, but sticking to my rules, so I was fine with it. I don't know when it happened, but something changed. Things changed from having sex with someone because it was fun to having sex with them out of some sense of obligation. I slept with people because I had told them I would. I slept with them because they bought me dinner. I slept with them because it would be good blog fodder. I slept with them because sex is who I am, and I didn't know how to find people without it.

With that change, the rules degraded. I fucked a guy who's dinner conversation made me want to reach over the table and scoop his eyes out with my spoon. I fucked a girl who clearly had feelings for me who I just saw as someone to fuck around with. Then came the DFB, the Douchebag Fuck Buddy. This guy is everything I hate in men. He was a white, heterosexual cis male with no understanding of checking his privilege. He treated me like a child with leftist ideals because I "didn't know any better." He was crass, bigoted and homophobic. He said things I found appalling. I was never particularly attracted to him. But I had sex with him, multiple times. It's some of the best sex I've ever had, which to be honest, depresses the hell out of me. Then, I discovered he had a girlfriend, or more accurately discovered he had a girlfriend who thought he was monogamous. I cut it off with him.

3 weeks later in a moment of weakness I texted him. I started having sex with him again. I hated myself for it every time I did it, but it never stopped me from wanting it. The sex is amazing, and I found myself justifying fucking him. He may be this, he may be that, but under it all, he's a good guy. I even thought about telling him to dump his girlfriend and give dating a shot. (Thank God that didn't happen.) Last week, we went to dinner and he started lecturing me. I should "take better care" of myself. How it was a disgrace that I couldn't be bothered to dress up for him, to put on make up. How I should lose some weight. How if I were prettier, with the sex I have, I could rule the world. I just sat across from him, taking it, nodding. I even fucked him that night. Once the numbness of the experience wore off, I realized that I'd pretty much hit rock bottom.

I'm not dumb, I know what people think of me. I'd always known he'd felt this way, but he'd never said it, so I was willing to ignore it. The truth is, I've allowed myself to get into relationship after relationship with people who don't think much of me, and make it pretty clear they don't respect me. I've been treated like crap. a lot. And I take it, every time, because in the end, I get it. I have this thick skin, the ballsy front that tells the world I love who I am and fuck anyone who disagrees, but it's not true. Most days, I don't like myself, so I allow people in to my life who treat me like shit and make me feel worthless because in some back corner of my mind, I don't think I deserve any better.

I've used sex as my means of attracting and keeping partners. I've let it become something that defines and creates relationships instead of being a part of them. I hate myself for the people I've let into my life. and I don't really know how to change. So I'm taking some time off, time to myself, and hopefully, I'll get my head on straight. I've really enjoyed having this blog, and it got me through some hard times.

So with that said, I'm signing off kiddies, and I'll leave you with words that are still very true. If you don't know, ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give direction. Love and kisses..... cleofaye