Saturday, January 30, 2010

My Love Affair with Porn Part 1

I love porn, I do. I know that there are a lot of women out there who are don't like it, are intimidated by it, or don't want their significant others watching it. I've never been one of those women. However, my first exposure to porn didn't really foreshadow my love of it now. When I was 12 I started babysitting for a local family. They had one of those cable boxes that got every channel illegally. The kids and I would watch HBO family, and soon enough, the kids would all be in bed and I would have full access to every channel imaginable. The first time I found the spice channel was purely by accident. Flicking through the channels I was looking for something to watch, and just going through everything. One of the upper channels, 98 or 97, something like that was msnbc during the day, but turned into the spice channel after 10 or so. I got to the number and some scantily clad woman was talking to a smarmy looking guy in jeans. Within seconds, their clothes were off and he was fucking her from behind, with the camera in one of those extreme close up shots.

I was horrified. It all looked so violent and painful. However, as is the way with porn, I couldn't look away. I was glued to the screen, fascinated and paranoid that the children's parents were going to come home to find me. Soon after, also at the house where I babysat, Skinamax movies. I was hooked to them. The soft lighting and less graphic sex glued me to the screen while still turning me on. This was back in the days before I masturbated, so I don't know what I did when I got home. For a couple years after that, I snuck around watching scrambled porn when I could, until, when I was about 14 or so, the spice channel inexplicably disappeared forever from our cable settings.

I didn't start masturbating until I was almost 18. Even though I always have had an intense imagination, I've never been one to just lay in bed by myself just fucking away staring at the ceiling. I always need inspiration, but I needed something that would look innocuous to my mother if she was in my room. Thus began my foray into written porn. In highschool I was really into a lot of very dark books and authors, one of whom was Bret Easton Ellis, of American Psycho fame. His books had these intense, graphic sex scenes, and I had them in my nightstand. His book Glamourama had a bisexual mmf threesome scene, which I'm pretty sure the book still automatically opens to I read it so often. I can still recite chucks of it by heart. I soon found online caches of written porn and felt confident sitting in front of a screen of text that I wouldn't be caught doing anything illicit.

It wasn't until I got my first boyfriend, P, that I started watching porn again. He was a fan of the Andrew Blake films.... arty, black in white, really awesome clothes, total fucking snooze fests. I used to watch them on fast forward to get any sort of sense of action. I learned then and there that I would never be the "woman's porn" kind of girl. I liked my sex hard and fast and loud, which meant I had to go buy my own.

This post is going to end here, or it's going to be epic length. The next installment will be my first sad attempts to buy porn, my recommendations for different kinds of porn, and my discussion of the internet and porn... so tune in next week, but for now, this is cleofaye saying, if you don't know ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give direction!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

My Adventures in Online Dating: Episode 2

So this is just really quick, anyone else find it just a little ridiculous to have marked on your profile that you are looking for casual sex and also think all forms of contraception are a sin? Are you planing on impregnating all you casual sex partners mr. super religious views man? Stay the fuck away from my vagina. That is all.

Love you lots kiddies, this is cleofaye saying, if you don't know ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give direction. Over and out.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Blog for Choice: Trust Women

I try to keep this blog pretty neutral politics wise, and I do that because I think the sexual information I have is valuable to everyone, not just those that agree with my politics, and I would never want to scare off someone who wants to know about sex with my political ideology. That said, yes, this entry is going to be pro choice. If you leave because of that, just be sure to get information somewhere, because, honestly, good sex is one of the best things out there that no one should miss out on, not even pro lifers.

I have never been pregnant. I'd love to say it's because I've always been careful, always used a condom, never made a mistake, but, in all honesty, the truth is I'm a lucky bitch. I use condoms, almost always in conjunction with the pill, or I fluid bond with a partner and just take the pill, but I'm no where near perfect. I've forgotten pills, I've had condoms break or fall off. The only reason I've never had to make this choice is because I'm lucky. But I'm not the norm.

I used to work at a homeless shelter for 18-22 year olds. I started working there at 23, only months older then some of our residents. I loved the place. The job changed who I am as a person, and I would never trade the experiences I had there, but I had one major problem with the organization. They were religion based. Because they didn't except any state or federal money, they could have any policies they wanted. As a result, they were very strictly Catholic.

We were unable to provide condoms for the residents, or to even mention abortion as an option. The closest woman's health clinic that would perform abortions was an hour away. In a city know for prostitution, this women were given no choices. One resident was 17, and pregnant with her fourth child. She decided to have an abortion, honestly, in my opinion one of the most thought out decisions she had ever made, but we were not allowed to help. We couldn't arrange for child care or even allow her to pay another one of the residents to babysit (despite the fact that this would have been allowed had the resident been going pretty much anywhere else). We couldn't give her any money for the abortion. We couldn't provide her with transportation or money to take the bus. We couldn't support her or tell her of counseling options. This 17 year old child had to do all of that herself.

In a place known for vice, I always found it appalling that there were so few resources for young women in need of protection, in need of information, and in need of options. The organization I worked for did amazing things, but they made it very clear that women had a specific job to do. That they had a place. Even when they were oppressed, former prostitutes, too young to really be thinking long term, this women were not given every option. They were not to be trusted with the power of their sexuality and with the means to understand the possible consequences. They were not to be taught that their bodies were their own, not their dealer's, their pimp's, their boyfriend's, but theirs to do with as they chose.

I went against the code. I slipped the number to planned parenthood on the nightstand of girls who asked me for it. I found where they could get condoms for free and gave them directions. I made sure they knew how to use them. I could have been fired, but I saw it as giving girls back their bodies and giving them one simple message. It is your body, I trust you with it.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

My adventures in online dating: Episode 1

I think I've stated before that I don't really date so much, I'm a little gun shy from past experiences, and am doing the whole "focus on yourself for a while" thing, and to be honest, I'm generally pretty happy single. I have a good life, fab friends and all that, but I can't handle the lack of sex. So that means I have to go and look for sex partners. This is possibly one of my least favorite things to do ever.

In general, I don't like one night stands, I've had people I've had sex with once, either after going out a few times first or because they were far away not seeing them again, but in general, I try to avoid just picking up a random person whom I don't intend to see again. So... what to do? I don't want to put myself out there as someone who is looking for a s/o, but I also don't want to just say I'll fuck anything that moves.

I've done the craigslist thing, and it has gotten me people, but it's a whole lot of work in terms of screening, so I decided to post a profile on a free dating site and see what happened. I filling out the profile honestly, stating that I wasn't looking for a relationship, but not a one night stand either. I picked the "casual sex" and "short term dating" options, and was on my way.

Jesus Christ I was unprepared for what I got, and I've gotten weeks of blog fodder out of the one month I maintained the profile (yes, I've since deactivated the account.) I plan on posting them every once in a while, since we can all use a good laugh. Here we go....

After about a week online, getting messages here and there, following up with some, ignoring others, still tweeting the filters I can activate on the account, I get an email telling me I have a message. It's from a 25 year old guy in jersey, is completely unoriginal, something of the "hit me up" variety.

I check out his profile to see he is looking for a wife and mother to his child. He's super religious and conservative (not that these things aren't fine in and of themselves, but they're just not really for me). He, in short, looks like the exact opposite of everything I was so up front about wanting. I tell myself I'll think about it, log out and go about my work day. About an hour later I get another message, log on, and the second I am on get an instant message from guy number one stating "That's for the ignore Bitch!" followed by "You don't know what you're missing out on"

I logged off and honestly was a little shaken. This site allows you to see who has viewed your profile, so since I had looked at his and not responded (in less then an hour since he had sent the message) he verbally attacked me. I quickly changed the settings so someone so different from me couldn't IM me directly again. It would be funny if it weren't so harassing.

I'll have some other stories up soon, some funny, some sexy, some none of the above, but online dating has made me want to invest in a fucking machine and swear off sex all together. So feel free to start a dialogue. Have any of you done online dating, had any complete nut jobs? I'd love to hear I'm not the only one who gets stuff like this. As always, I'll sign off saying this is cleofaye, and if you don't know ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give direction!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Psychosexual: Does the G Spot Exist? Do I Care?

Yes, I know, if you're a fan of sex blogs in general, I'm a little late to the party, but I have wanted to write about this for the past week and a half, and better late than never right? Apparently, the g spot doesn't exist. A bunch of British scientists got together, surveyed a bunch of twins, and decided that since they couldn't find a significant genetic link, it must not exist. I've mentioned before that I was a psych major in college, I've done research and conducted surveys and experiments, and to be honest, I'm not sure I love way they did their research and the assumptions they based it on, but that's not what I want to talk about.

What I want to talk about is this. I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK IF SCIENTISTS THINK THE G SPOT EXISTS. Why does it matter? (I'll go on record saying that I'm firmly in the camp that it does exist, since I'm pretty sure I have one, what with the fuck squirting orgasms that tend to result from anything poking the front wall of my vag). Reading the article, I understand what they are trying to do. The researchers cite trying to relieve the pressure on women (and men? really, to be honest I've both had experience with and heard many stories of men who have not tried to get a woman off and/or have never tried to find the g spot)to have these g spot orgasms if they don't have one, or can only cum from clitoral stimulation. I get that. But the fact is, by "disproving" the g spot, aren't these researchers being just as dismissive as magazines like Cosmo? Who the hell are they, or anyone for that matter, to tell me how to cum?

My final thesis in college was a discussion of female orgasm. I spent weeks pouring over research papers about orgasm and noticed that science has a history of telling us how to cum, who to cum with, and if we cum. People can't decide how to define orgasm. Someone decided it was a flood of specific chemicals in the brain. Someone else that it was a specific reaction in the vagina. Someone else decided there was a check list that all had to happen for a person to have orgasmed. (I can look up the references for all of these if anyone is interested shoot me an email, but the references are all scholarly articles that the general public doesn't have that much access to, so I figure it's pointless for most people) In most of the studies, the researchers had at least one person who, according to their criteria had an orgasm, but didn't report one, or conversely reported having one when their body didn't met the criteria.

For me, and I feel this is universal (correct me if I'm wrong though), orgasm is indescribable (that's why all the romance novel cliches of waves of pleasure and explosions) but it's also unmistakable. Granted, if you've never had one, you may not be sure, but if you're not sure, you haven't because when you do, you know. Does it matter that maybe your body doesn't do exactly what it's expected to if you think you've orgasmed? That lack of brain chemicals or whatever doesn't make your experience any less satisfying. Would you deny someone the experience of an orgasm because you don't think they had one? That's just douche-y. Also, if someone says they haven't cum when there bodies have done what they're "supposed to" does that matter? Does that make her satisfied? No.

This is exactly why this study doesn't matter. There is nothing more personal then orgasm. No one but you has any right to tell you how to cum or tell you that what you need to cum (as long as it's not hurting anyone who didn't/can't consent to it) is wrong. If you need one guy pinching your nipples while another licks your toes and a third eats you out, if it works for you, go for it! (and, contact me, because if you can work that shit out, you could probably help me set up with any number of my fantasies) I happen to use g spot stimulation to cum, and I also hate vibration. But, that doesn't mean I care if every other girl out there wants to use a Hitachi on herself until she cums her brains out. Like I said, whatever works for you.

So from freud's "immature" clit orgasms, to this most recent study, they can all just bite me. Sex isn't about orgasm, any more then it is about intercourse. Sex is fun and erotic and sexy and amazing, and most of all, it's all your own. So fuck these british scientists, and fuck Cosmo for telling you the latest spot that's
"sure to blow your mind", cum how you want to cum, and cum only if you want to cum, and do it however it makes you happy. So does the g spot exist? I don't know, all I know is that I like it when people hit where it's supposed to be, and really, that's all that matters.

So this is cleofaye, signing off by telling you to cum well and cum often and, as always, when you don't know ask, and when you're unsatisfied, give direction!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Quick updates

Hey kiddies,

I know posting has been a bit erratic, but I am keeping up with at least once a week as best as I can. I have my birthday coming up this weekend, and grad school applications, in Feb, but hopefully, after that everything should be back to normal and I'll be posting more often again. I also have a real post coming up for you soon, and many ideas on the back burner (which is exciting because I was scared I was going to run out of ideas.) But first, I have some exciting news.

I've been chosen to be a toy reviewer/affliate for! I will be getting toys to review, which I will be doing biweekly if not weekly. (Those reviews would be in addition to my normal posts, I'm not suddenly changing to just a review site I promise). I do want to make a quick disclaimer though. There are things sold on the site that I do not like, and I do not agree with and would never endorse. They are there, but you will never see them here. I will only be reviewing toys that are silicone or some other non porous, non toxic material. I will not put anything in my body that I'm not sure of, and I will never tell you to either.

That said, there are a lot of really fantastic toys on the site, and I'm excited to get my first batch to review. Also, my mail never gets to my apartment, so I'm getting everything shipped to my parent's house. My mother knows about my blog, and I told her I would be getting packages that she wouldn't want to open. I explained that I was getting sex toys. Our conversation went as follows
Mom- So why the hell can't I open them?
Me- Because I don't want your used sex toys mom!
Mom- So you're getting toys and I can't play with them? You suck!
Me- Yep
Mom- I'll bring them up when I come up next week. Love you bye
Me- Love you

This is why my mom rocks.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Obligatory New Year's Blog

So hey, apparently we're in 2010, who knew? oh... that's what all those fireworks were on thursday, that explains a lot. So yes, it's a new year and in general, people like to use this time to reflect on the year that has been and the year to come and say their hopes and dreams, their regrets and triumphs.

My life has changed a lot in the past year. This time last year I was dating the girl I thought I would marry, if things had gone the way we were planning, I would currently be engaged, planning a wedding for sept., attending grad school, and living in the middle of pensyltucky (the name for the intensely conservative areas in rural pennsylvania). This time last year I had only slept with 5 different people, and all of them were long term relationships (and 1 what I thought would be a long term relationship but ended up being a three week fling). I was happy, and I had my future planned out. I was going to be a therapist with a focus on trans therapy, and by the time I got my certification I would be married with two step children. I knew what I wanted, and I knew where I was going.

A year later, my life is nothing like I thought it would be. I've had my heart broken twice. I've had the possibility of falling in love with a man thrown back into a sexuality I had finally gotten comfortable with. I got accepted to the grad school in pensyltucky weeks after being dumped and deferred because I was too scared to go alone. I started as something to keep me from pining over A. I started sleeping around, allowing myself the excuse of something being good blog fodder. I'm seriously considering an offer to shoot porn with someone I met through this blog.

Sex has come to the forefront of my life in the past year, and to be completely honest, I have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, I've had some really amazing experiences and have been able to explore parts of my sexuality I had forgotten or repressed because I wasn't sure I should like or want the things I do. On the other hand, I fear that every new experience lowers my chances for finding someone long term. I feel like there is a line somewhere in the sand where you go from the girl you date to the girl you fuck, and I fear I'm crossing it, or have crossed it, or will cross it and not know until it's much too late to go back. Chalk it up to being 25 (well turning 26 in a matter of weeks, but we're not going to talk about that) and watching my friends get engaged by the dozen and realizing I'm not even close to that.

For this next year, I need to make some choices, and I need to figure some of my own shit out. I've been very actively "not dating" for the past 6 months or so, and plan on staying single for quite a while longer. I'm applying for grad schools in cities, because really, a freaky queer like me needs to be in a city, I'm hoping to start in the fall, and hoping even more that I get in. I'm exploring being a sub again, though taking it slowly, and I'm looking forward to trying to explore more in the sex blog universe and find more out there for me. I was going to say, all in all, it was a good year, but the fact is, last year sucked. I'm lucky in my health, job, and family, the very important things, but I spent most of it heart broken and confused. I'm not glad to see it go. Fuck you 2009, good riddance, and here's to 2010, a year of some big decisions for your humble blogger friend. So kiddies, remember I love you, this blog has kept me sane and going through some bad times and I can't thank you enough for your readership, and, as always, if you don't know, ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give direction.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

E lust #4


HNT Courtesy of Molls (via Eat The Cake NYC)

Welcome to e[lust]
- your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you're looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you're going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #5? Start with the rules, check out the schedule in the site's sidebar and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

♦ This Week's Top Three Posts ♦

Interrogation - I looked up at him, feigning cluelessness. “I know you can understand me. So I ask you again. Where are the lenses?” Another strike. I crumpled into the bench.

Reconciling the Identities of Feminist & Butch Top - There’s something supposedly anti-feminist about wanting to dominate. There’s something in the feminist rhetoric which says we are all equal especially in bed, so that means I-do-you-you-do-me....

Fire and Ice
- The rain comes down harder around us, the freez­ing drop pelt­ing what­ever skin lies exposed over the sur­face of the water.

e[lust] Editress

By the Twinkling Lights...
- His lips found my nipples and I forgot about the cold. If a car were to drive by and the passengers were to look past the twinkling lights on the tree, they would have seen a naked woman’s rear end pressed against the glass wall..

♦ Featured Post (Lilly's Pick)

Ronjazz: Late Night Rendezvous - Meet me in the parking lot at the post with the broken lamp. 10PM sharp! Do not be late! Stand facing the post, eyes closed. Wear a flimsy dress and heels - nothing else!

See also
: Pleasurists #58 and #59 for all your sex toy review needs

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Erotic Writing

Diary Of A Pissed Off Wife
Happy Halloween
Heartbreak hotel
Marathon Sex
Not Always, But Often: Part 1
Our (Sorta) Intro to BDSM
Rising above the Background
Sex at 2am
The Babysitter
The Chair
The Beginning?
The Pleasure Chest
The Slut Chronicles #10 ~ The Interview
The Walk
Today's Specials: Orgasms, Wet Panties, and Margaritas
Twinkling Heat
We are glass
What I Want

Kink & Fetish

Amber's New Dungeon
Awesome Body Mod Night
Day of Debauchery
Go Ask Teresa: Mothers
Jack was a Picky Eater
Kissing Noises
My very first experience of BDSM
Play Piercing? Seriously? Why?!?
Sounds and Catheters
The Taking of M

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Aftercare, Part I: The Basics
Ask The Negress: Privacy & Perversion.
Do Slaves Deserve Love?
Gyne-Vestiphobia: Fear of Women’s Clothing
Let There Be Love
On My Experience With Sex Toys
Riding The Crimson Wave - Having Sex On Your Period
The Gangbang as Social Commentary
Titty Fucking
TPE (Total Power Exchange): A Novice's Perspective
Weekend Fun

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

December 17th
God rest ye, merry cuckold!
You've Got To Be Nuts

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Condom Alert!

Hey everyone. I plan on posting the obligatory recap of the past year/hopes for the comming year entry soon, but in the midst of an insane weekend, I wanted to give you some quick information I just learned. I'm stated before that I have a latex allergy. That leaves me the having to by more expensive, harder to find, and less versatile non latex condoms. I'm spending the weekend with a new potential dom, and had two condoms in my bag, one durex avanti, and one trojan supra. (I know that some people can only use sheep skin condoms, but they DO NOT protect again HIV, so I don't consider them an option at all for me.) We had sex with the durex condom without a problem, however when we tried again with the trojan condom, we couldn't get it on. The boy is a bit....ahem... larger then average, and the condom couldn't be rolled past about halfway down his cock.

There is no option out there for a non latex magnum-esque (ie for those with large penises) condoms. It frustrates me that this is the case. Yes, non latex are more expensive, but they are the only option for a large amount of the population, and not accommodating for those that are likely to break or not be able to use normal sized condoms is a gross oversight in my opinion. So, to recap, is seems as if Durex condoms are a either a little bigger or stretchier, so if you're planning on using a non latex condom with a large guy, this is your best option. Just looking out for my fellow allergy sufferers out there. So that's all I wanted to say for today kiddies, so as always, this is cleofaye saying, if you don't know, ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give direction... oh, and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!