Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Obligatory New Year's Blog

So hey, apparently we're in 2010, who knew? oh... that's what all those fireworks were on thursday, that explains a lot. So yes, it's a new year and in general, people like to use this time to reflect on the year that has been and the year to come and say their hopes and dreams, their regrets and triumphs.

My life has changed a lot in the past year. This time last year I was dating the girl I thought I would marry, if things had gone the way we were planning, I would currently be engaged, planning a wedding for sept., attending grad school, and living in the middle of pensyltucky (the name for the intensely conservative areas in rural pennsylvania). This time last year I had only slept with 5 different people, and all of them were long term relationships (and 1 what I thought would be a long term relationship but ended up being a three week fling). I was happy, and I had my future planned out. I was going to be a therapist with a focus on trans therapy, and by the time I got my certification I would be married with two step children. I knew what I wanted, and I knew where I was going.

A year later, my life is nothing like I thought it would be. I've had my heart broken twice. I've had the possibility of falling in love with a man thrown back into a sexuality I had finally gotten comfortable with. I got accepted to the grad school in pensyltucky weeks after being dumped and deferred because I was too scared to go alone. I started as something to keep me from pining over A. I started sleeping around, allowing myself the excuse of something being good blog fodder. I'm seriously considering an offer to shoot porn with someone I met through this blog.

Sex has come to the forefront of my life in the past year, and to be completely honest, I have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, I've had some really amazing experiences and have been able to explore parts of my sexuality I had forgotten or repressed because I wasn't sure I should like or want the things I do. On the other hand, I fear that every new experience lowers my chances for finding someone long term. I feel like there is a line somewhere in the sand where you go from the girl you date to the girl you fuck, and I fear I'm crossing it, or have crossed it, or will cross it and not know until it's much too late to go back. Chalk it up to being 25 (well turning 26 in a matter of weeks, but we're not going to talk about that) and watching my friends get engaged by the dozen and realizing I'm not even close to that.

For this next year, I need to make some choices, and I need to figure some of my own shit out. I've been very actively "not dating" for the past 6 months or so, and plan on staying single for quite a while longer. I'm applying for grad schools in cities, because really, a freaky queer like me needs to be in a city, I'm hoping to start in the fall, and hoping even more that I get in. I'm exploring being a sub again, though taking it slowly, and I'm looking forward to trying to explore more in the sex blog universe and find more out there for me. I was going to say, all in all, it was a good year, but the fact is, last year sucked. I'm lucky in my health, job, and family, the very important things, but I spent most of it heart broken and confused. I'm not glad to see it go. Fuck you 2009, good riddance, and here's to 2010, a year of some big decisions for your humble blogger friend. So kiddies, remember I love you, this blog has kept me sane and going through some bad times and I can't thank you enough for your readership, and, as always, if you don't know, ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give direction.

3 comments:

  1. Quote "I feel like there is a line somewhere in the sand where you go from the girl you date to the girl you fuck, and I fear I'm crossing it, or have crossed it, or will cross it and not know until it's much too late to go back."

    your only 25 - enjoy yourself and someone will come around that is good enough for you. treat this past year as a learning experience.

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  2. LOVE your blog.
    I’m fielding submissions for a tongue-in-cheek relationships website, featuring anonymous anecdotes from women on sex, dating and relationships — and I want you to participate!
    Every woman has at least one hilarious, jaw-dropping or cringe-worthy anecdote to share. Think of yours and submit it by January 31st. I’m sure you have a good one!
    Submission Guidelines
    The best anecdotes focus on YOU. For example, if your boyfriend cheated and you pulled an Elin Nordegren (of Tiger Woods fame), your anecdote should build up to the shocking moment you struck his SUV with a 9-iron. In other words, highlight what you did that was shocking, funny, emotional, embarrassing, etc. — whether you regret it or would gladly do it again. There are no taboo subjects. Feel free to express yourself.
    • Detail a specific incident or encounter
    • Build up to your leading moment
    • Limit submissions to 250 words

    Please Note: By submitting an anecdote, you agree to the Terms of Submission. All anecdotes will be completely anonymous. Your email address and/or personal information will never be shared or published. Submissions may be edited for grammar and clarity.

    I e-mailed you as well, so if you would like to participate just respond to my e-mail!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I would Love to see you do some Porn!

    ReplyDelete