Tuesday, August 10, 2010

And it all comes flooding back



(I know this video is about abuse more physical then what I went through, but the first time I watched it I seemed so familiar, that push/pull on/off feeling rang very true.)

I've mentioned before my first boyfriend P. We were together for almost 3 years. I moved to the city with him. We lived together after we broke up for another 9 months. What I don't often tell people is that the relationship was emotionally abusive. P spent a lot of time isolating me from my friends, he would tell me how ugly or fat I was, but how he still loved me and I should be grateful to have him. He never trusted me and used to call me a whore and accuse me of sleeping with other people despite the fact that I never did and never even came close. He controlled every aspect of my life to the point where I started doing things I didn't want to to please him and just stopped going out with my friends or going to any parties (and I was in college at the time, so there were plenty going on) because I didn't want to face the interrogation and accusations afterward. I was reamed out if I ever didn't answer my phone or immediately text him.

Through all that, I stayed, in large part because he spent most of the effort he put into the relationship to convincing me that I couldn't do better. That I was weird, I was fat, I was stupid, I was ugly, and no one else would have me. At first, I tried to break up with him, but he would cry since he knew it was my weak point, or later on, when that stopped working, he would make veiled suicide threats instead, until finally, I resigned myself to staying with him. Right before I started dating him, I had injured my knee, and started gaining weight. He dated me through the weight gain and made sure I knew it. When I was at my weakest point, with little self esteem, something in me broke, and I started to eat up everything he told me.

I would complain about him to my friends, and when I was alone, I knew how much I hated him, but I didn't leave. Even after we broke up, we weren't really. We still had sex, we still we completely enmeshed in each other's lives, I still paid for everything he had, including the apartment we shared. Nothing changed, but he used the break up as an excuse to bring other girls home and have loud sex when he knew I would hear it. He also creepily listened in and masturbated during the one time I brought someone home during our cohabitation.

Finally my best friend put his foot down. We kicked him out. I still saw him all the time (he worked at my local grocery store), and I occasionally broke down and had sex with him. Finally, about 18 months ago, I decided I'd had enough. I started deleting him from my life. His number, his email addresses, his facebook, were deleted or blocked. I even started grocery shopping somewhere else this past month.

But today, I saw him as one of the visitors to my online dating profile. Then he texted me. I can't seem to get him out of my life, no matter how hard I try, and he, for the life of him, can't understand why I would want to. He maintains he never did anything wrong. He thinks it was all in my head. That's the source of his power. Any chink in my armor lets in those thoughts that I'm just crazy, and as soon as I saw his name, that's exactly what happened. All those doubts, those worries come flooding back. I start to wonder if I should just date him again. I worry that all those things he said about me were true, that I'll never find someone else who will "put up with me."

It took me a long time to acknowledge just how bad our relationship was. I didn't call it abusive until recently, and it ended years ago, but even through everything I went through with him, even though I can't stand him, part of me feels this constant pull to go back to him. I don't think I ever will. I feel like my roommate and parents would pull me away by my hair if they had to, but they would never let me go back.

... After typing that last sentence, and realizing how true it is that everyone stopping me is probably the only thing that's kept us apart for so long breaks my heart a little. I can only hope someday he's no longer that little voice of doubt in the back of my head.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

My Adventures in Online Dating: Episode 8

When I get the instant messages from people on the dating sight, I'm generally pretty open about writing this blog. I often field questions, but I honestly kind of like it, since I figure it allows me to maybe open some minds. When having one such conversation recently, a boy asked me what I thought about sex toys. I told him I thought positively, and that honestly I didn't really see how there could be any negatives. To which he replied...

There can be, depending on the type of toys.

if you go too big, or overuse you can loose sensitivity or elasticisity


NO NO NO NO! I proceeded to tell him that wasn't actually true, he continued to tell me that was just my opinion.

The fact is sex toys don't decrease your sensitivity or stretch you out, and that kind of attitude it exactly what I'm trying to prevent and change with this site. But generally telling someone who tells you that they review sex toys that they are loose and won't be able to cum from sex is generally a bad idea, FYI. So until the next weird/ridiculous/douche-y thing I get in my inbox or messenger remember, if you don't know, ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give direction!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Memory in the Music


I don't know about you guys, but I have a soundtrack for my life. I almost always have music playing in my head, and spend most of my life out in public insulated in a bubble of music that blots out the rest of the world. I also tend towards falling in love with one or two artists at a time, where I will listen to same album or albums for months, then move on to someone new. But each of the bands or artists were on repeat for some part of my life. After I've moved on, the music keeps that place, that time, the people I was with, the feelings I had, it all stays with the music.

I have always been very connected to music. I know that everyone says that, and I feel like it's probably true for everyone. But as someone who doesn't easily express emotions, nothing makes me feel like music can. I sit stoically though tear jerker movies and books, but put on "Hurt" (I'm more partial to Johnny Cash's version, but anyone singing it will do), and I'm wiping away tears and pretending to be sniffling from a sudden and acute case of allergies. I use music to express the feelings I'm not comfortable expressing myself. I put on music that inspires specific emotions when I want to feel them, or when I want to remind myself of someone or something that has started to fade. However, these songs always inspire these emotions, weither I want them to or not, so when I hear them and I didn't intend to, it's like a punch to the stomach. A rush of pain, or anger, or loss can stop me in my tracks in the middle of a grocery store, or biking on a trail having carelessly left my ipod on shuffle.

I've been working on this. Working on letting go of the memories associated with those songs that hurt me. Reminding myself of the good things that happened while those songs were playing in the background. Trying to just let myself feel nothing as I listen to music I loved at one point. I've been mining my ipod for music that I'd long ago forgotten. They do make me think of the exs of the time, but for the first time, I've been able to just enjoy the music for what it is, instead of the emotions it evoked. So now I have a whole world of music to rediscover.... so if you don't mind me, I have some Flogging Molly, Tegan and Sara, and MGMT to listen to, so I'll sign off as always reminding you if you don't know, ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give direction.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Grooming Part 2: Taking it off

Like I said before, the decision to shave, trim, groom, what have you, is a personal one, and everyone gets to make that choice themselves, based on their own desires, not society or any one person's expectations. With that said, if you chose to take your pubic off or down, there are a multitude of ways to do so. All have their pros and cons, and I bounce back and forth between a lot of different things, depending on where I am, who's going to be seeing me naked, and what I have on hand.

1. Shaving - the old stand by
Pros- cheap, convient, can do it yourself, not painful
Cons - oh god the ingrown hairs, grows back quickly, coarse hair stubble

If you're going to shave, make sure you use a good shaving cream, I reviewed Wet brand's shaving cream. I also really like coochy shave cream (yeah, I know, stupid name, but it works really well) and Alba brand shave cream (which I get a whole foods). These are all the kinds that are an actual cream that rubs into your skin, as opposed to the shave gels or foams that sit on top, I've found they soften the hair better. I also recommend not using those female branded razors that everyone has, they get the job done and everything, but I've always preferred the Mach 3 it designed to take of coarser hair, it tends to be cheaper, and it fits on the venus handle if you already have one, I've always found them to give me a smoother shave, on any part of my body. Also, make sure you take a long shower or bath before hand. Finally, be careful not to nick yourself, pull things tight, become a contortionist if you have to, but I have a friend with a permanently notched labia as a result of a hasty and sloppy shave job. So be careful!

2. Waxing

Pros- Lasts longer then most methods, stubble is softer
Cons - expensive, ingrown hairs, may require nudity with a stranger, hair has to be at least 1/4 inch long for it to work

I had my legs waxed for years, and eventually my bikini line as well, but I've never gotten a brazilian. I consulted a friend who has. She said it's pretty painful, especially the mons pubis, but she thinks it's worth it. Hair grows in 3 2 weeks cycles, so for this method to be affective, you have to go either every two weeks or every 6, and you can't shave in between. Now the main thing to remember with waxing is that, if done wrong, it can lead to all sorts of problems, so if the place doesn't feel as sanitary as a doctor's office, don't let them near you. If the waxer does not put new paper on the table, put on new gloves, and uses a a new stick every time she goes to apply wax, DO NOT LET HER NEAR YOU. With waxing, this is not a place to skimp, generally the more upscale a salon, the more likely they will be cleanly/sanitary, though this is not always the case, so pay attention, and if something feels off, trust your instincts. Also, a brazilian will require you to be up on all fours and on your back with your legs spread in front of a total stranger, so it's not for the faint at heart.

3. Hair Removal Creams

Pros- Cheap, easy, can do it yourself, lasts slightly longer then shaving
Cons- Smells bad, ingrown hairs, may cause chemical burn

I'm not actually recommending this since on every brand they have warnings everywhere not to put this stuff on your vulva, but the honest fact is I've done it. I don't have sensitive skin, so I've never gotten chemical burn, but my roommate used it on his back and did, so really, don't do it. If you insist, don't put it on your labia, mons pubis only, but really, just don't. If you do, I'm taking no responsibility on you getting chemical burn on your most sensitive areas.

4. Electric Razor

Pros- Quick, no ingrown hairs, don't have to do it in the shower
Cons- Can be expensive up front, can pull if not charged

This is the method I'd settled on in the last few years. There is the full range of electric razors ranging from over 100 dollars to 15ish. I picked up a little con air one for 20 bucks at Ulta about 2 years ago. The little thing happily trimmed my hair close but not shaved completely since then. However, since a run in with my roommate's back hair, it has offically died and has been functioning as an epilady, slowly pulling each hair out individually. I need to replace it, but it proves that you don't have to go for one of the super expensive models for it to last a while and work well. I highly recommend it if you don't want to fully shave but prefer to trim you pubic hair short.


So, take these options, with of course full, natural bush also being an option as well, and weigh the pros and cons for yourself. Try anything and see how you like the feeling and the look of fully shaved, trimmed, natural and see what you like. And, don't forget, if you don't know, ask, if you're unsatisfied, give direction.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

My adventures in online dating: episode 7


File this one under cheesy and dumb.

hey how are you?

So I am guessing you love Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia?


Yes, I live in Philly, but seriously, does that mean all the people in California love Californication? Sometimes, people are weird

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Joy of the Pelt


Back in the day.... and yes, I am using that phrase to reference the 1970's... Men were HAIRY. Just look at Burt up there. Frankly, I think he's sexy as hell. Yes, I admit that I prefer my male sexual partners to trim their public hair, but that's mainly because I enjoy sucking their balls, and it's easier to deep throat without 2 inches of hair going up my nose. However, other body hair is a completely different story. Personally, I generally think, the more the better.

Granted, I am fully in support of people who shave for various reasons. I had on sex partner who was very fair skinned with about a dozen multi directional hairs in the middle of his chest. He found shaving it to be easier. I also know a guy who's hair only grows on one pec, so he shaves it, again, I totally understand that. Finally, they're not really my type, but I also get body builders who shave for competitions to better display muscle definition.

That said, I HATE this metrosexual, manscaping thing that has taken over our men. If I wanted to lay on a hairless chest, I'd be having sex with a woman. A, one of the sexiest men I dated was of Persian decent. He was hairy pretty much from head to toe. However, he was self conscious about it. The first time he disrobed in front of me, he apologized. Frankly, I find this just as ridiculous as a woman feeling the need for apologizing for not having a completely hairless pussy.

Hair is natural. Body hair is one of the defining characteristics of being male. Desiring men to have no body hair is resigning them to look like little boys. Gay men have an entire subset of men that both love and embody this idea (bears and otters and sexiness oh my!) but straight women haven't really done this. Are their fetish sites out there for women who want to see hairy men? I don't think so, but I'd love to know if there were.

Laying next to a guy who has a a good amount of chest hair was always one of my favorite things about sleeping with men. I used to really enjoy the feeling of chest hair against my skin, it also reduced that stick to each other feeling where after laying together when you get up and it feels like getting off a leather couch with bare skin. It's warm, it's soft, and it's just hot to be able to grab someone's chest hair in ecstasy. My roommate also pointed out the fun of the difference in texture with hair vs. skin, saying there is so much more than you can do with hair as compared to skin.

So can we just do away with the manscaping now guys?

Monday, July 26, 2010

Grooming Part 1: To shave or not to shave.


Pubic hair is a fact of life. After puberty, everyone's got it, but watching most mainstream modern porn, you get the impression that women are completely hairless from the neck down. Even the landing strips and small patches that were big in the nineties have gone the way of completely bare vulvas (Random aside, my computer isn't recognizing vulvas, if that's not the pural what is? Vulvae? Vulvi? Anyway...). It seems then, that pubic hair, outside of bush fetish websites, has been declared (like the internet) over.

The problem with that is, women are not, in fact, hairless, and to add to that getting your vulva as baby smooth as they look in mainstream porn is almost impossible. Even freshly shaven, one chill and you're left with a stubbly, usually painful, mess. (Which has always made me wonder if they keep porn sets warmer for just that reason. Anyone know?) The average girl has very little hope of looking quite as smooth as the average porn star, and has very little incentive to do so, yet, somehow, men have come to expect or demand it.

While I find this expectation ridiculous, to be honest, I kind of get it. The vulva is hot, I like looking at it, and being able have a completely unobstructed view is fun, and I really enjoy sucking on bare outer labia. However, in the end, I neither demand or really want my lover to keep themselves clean shaven. I've had my face rubbed raw by a girl who had shaved earlier that day but already had stubble, and have had the experience myself of stepping out of the shower, getting a chill, and ruining the just shaved smoothness.

The first time I shaved, I did it because P, my first boyfriend, requested it. He had a lot of experience, and I was a virgin at the time. I shaved because I felt like I needed to "keep up," like I was competing with all the girls that had come before me. It was a pain, and I never really liked it, but I kept up with it because somewhere in my head, it's what I was "supposed" to do, or what I "should" do. When I finally broke up with him, I found myself much more comfortable just letting it grow, but eventually it would start to itch when it was too long. Finally I bought a cheap hair trimmer and found happiness in shortly trimmed but not actually shaven hair. It allowed for plenty of viewing, but didn't hurt or itch and didn't result in ingrown hairs. I have generally found that I enjoy it in my sexual partners as well. Trimmed hair usually ends up softer then shaved, yet it's short enough to not go up my nose or get caught in my mouth during oral sex.

That said, pubic hair stylings are completely personal, and everyone is welcome to their opinions, I just encourage you to make your decision based on YOUR personal feelings, not any sort of obligation, expectation, or pressure, not that of society, a significant other, or a sexual partner. With that kiddies, I sign off, as always, saying if you don't know, ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give directions!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

My Adventures in Online Dating:Episode 6


Received the following instant message the other day.... I'm going to let it speak for itself. (Note, my profile says I like geeks)

im a geek but im hung like a chinchilla

dealbreaker?


Seriously?


(P.S. I so want a chinchilla now.)

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Review: Bum buddies


Sex toy online store sent me the Bum Buddies Rear End Rapture Butt Plug in Intermediate by Adam and Eve Toys. Yeah, yeah, dumb name, I know, but give the toy a chance.

When I got the toy, my heart fell a little bit. This is once again an instance of my eyes being bigger then my ass. I swear, I do read the specs on these toys, but in my head, they're always smaller then they are when they show up. However, this toy is nice. The silicone feels velvety and has just a bit of give. I love the feel of it, I love squeezing it, and kind of want to rub it on my cheek. However, this love the the toy doesn't actually translate to me loving the toy inside me.

I tried everything, lots of lube, (water based of course), getting off first (once then more then once), and spending time warming myself with fingers first. It didn't work. I only managed to get the entire toy inside me twice, and since there wasn't much of an indent before the base, as soon as I got it in, it would just pop right back out again. I would be fine with holding the toy in play if I didn't, you know, need my hands to be doing other things to get me off. However, I did try just putting the smaller tip of the toy and masturbating with just that in, and that was good, as I generally enjoy something in my butt while I use a toy in my vag. Again, this toy wasn't for me, but I think with some more time, patience and work, it probably could be. (I'll just add that short stubby arms are not ideal for someone who likes to play with their own butt.) I also am really looking forward to using this toy with a partner. I have more patience when I'm with a partner, I'm also not all tense from being contorted into an uncomfortable position. I could see really enjoying this toy in my butt while I have vaginal sex with a partner. Unfortunately, at the moment, I have no way of testing this theory, but if I do, I will be sure to give everyone an update.

Now, the run down, first, the things I liked about this toy

1.The packaging. This first plus took me by surprise, I saw the picture online and thought, it would be just another toy a picture of a half naked girl, a bar code, and that's it, but if you ignore the cheesy ass picture on the front, the packaging of this toy is great. There is TONS of info on there! It states right on the front that is it phthalate and latex free, it outlines care instructions, reminds you to use water based lube, and suggests you try heating or cooling it. Impressive, Adam and Eve toys, now get rid of the naked girl on the front and you would be perfect.

2. It's silicone. Who doesn't love silicone? It's soft, it has some give, which is the main thing my other favorite material, glass, doesn't have. It's easy to clean (dishwasher, top rack, sans soap, 10% bleach solution, boil for 3 minutes), phthalate free, and has a nice soft feel to it. Just remember that you can't use silicone lube with it, or it will break down your toys. Since it's made for anal play, make sure you get a good, high quality, thick WATER BASED lube. I like Maximus, but any kind you like is fine.

3. It has a nice slight curve to it. It, for the small amount of time that it was fully inserted, it felt nice against my G spot. I'm really anticipating using this toy with a partner, since I think if I could have this toy in while having sex, it would feel AMAZING.

The only main thing I didn't love about this toy is the size. Honestly, I'm impatient when I masturbate. I cum really quickly, so the idea of warming up my ass, getting the toy in, and the clean up all taking considerably longer then it took for me to get off doesn't seem worth it. Mainly, this is because I'm the quickest, no nonsense masturbator ever. I get in, get off, get out, and am back to how I started in about 10 minutes. Like i said, this isn't the case when I'm with a sex partner, and I feel like this toy would be much better suited for that, for me.

However, I think that shouldn't discourage those who are looking for slightly bigger butt plugs, since I recommend the toy as a whole. If you'd like to buy this sex toy or any of their other anal toys, head over to sextoy.com.

Monday, July 19, 2010

PSA: Condom Lube Alert!!!!!


I was reading through my blog reader, and an interesting post from Feminists with Female Sexual Disfunction. The author, K, wrote to both Durex (for some reason I can't find their non- latex, Avanti condoms on their website) and Lifestyles about the respective companies non latex condoms. Both companies replied that the lubricant used on both brands is silicone based.

I hate the fact that I'm allergic to latex. It narrows the selection of condoms I can use severely. There are no non latex equivalents to the Magnum the infamous larger condom. While I've generally been fine using regular non latex condoms (though not Trojan brand) with the larger guys I've been with, the fact that I can't buy any of those flavored or textured or whatever other kinds there are out there. All I really have is a choice of brands, and of polyurethane or polyisoprene. (Really, for me, there's no contest, polyisoprene is far superior and is what is used by pretty much every brand except Trojan.) However, with this new information, I'm annoyed all over again. There are not non lubricated, non latex condoms. However, the lubricant on these condoms is damaging to my strap on, and most of the toys I have that I share with my sex partners.

It seems like this just means that the makers of condoms disregard the needs of those who practice safe sex while using toys. Silicone is pretty much the premier material for sex toys. Almost every sex toy I own is silicone, and if I want to share them, I use condoms on them. Now I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I know I can sanitize my toys, but I like the option of being able to use the toy on both myself and my partner in the same session. I honestly don't really know what I'm going to do. Probably use the condoms that I know are breaking down my toys, rather then not practice safe sex. I'm just pissed and frustrated that it's even a decision I have to make.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

My Adventures in Online Dating: Episode 5

So there I am, sitting on the dating sight when there, in my matches in the side bar I see it. My stomach drops. It's B. The girl I dated, the girl I was pretty sure I was going to marry, the girl who dumped me because SHE'S STRAIGHT.

She can only show up as one of my potential matches if she has on her profile that she likes women. I click over, I have to know, and yep, she's listed as bi. Honestly, I don't know what I feel. I'm angry- "Is she going to just do to some other girl the same thing she did to me?" I'm hurt- "Did she lie to me? Was it just me?" I start myself on the little death spiral of negative thoughts that generally ends with me ending up a spinster with 20 cats and no friends.

I let myself wallow for a minute, I shook myself off, picked the option to hide her from my matches, and I haven't really though of it much since. This is called progress right?

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Revealing Yourself

I've been planning a blog post about "coming out" to dates for a while now, but then something amazing happened. I actually got asked out on a date. This doesn't happen to me very often. I'm pretty shy in person and am generally oblivious that people are hitting on me until way too late. I have mild social anxiety, so I have a hard time introducing myself to people or initiating conversation with someone I don't know, which is exactly why I started using online dating. It allows me to essentially "introduce" myself to hundreds of people without actually having to make that move in a bar/club what have you.

One of the main reasons I like online dating is that I can put all of my potential "problems" out there right up front, so I don't have to worry about people not finding me attractive, or not liking me being kinky or poly. I've had people dump me for such things, and flip out at me for not telling them earlier.

So anyway, I was asked out by a girl who has no idea of my "reputation." She doesn't know about this blog, she doesn't know I'm poly, and she has no idea that in my spare time I enjoy tying up and beating the crap out of people. Now that I think about it, it's pretty probable she thinks I haven't slept with a man in years.

So when do you talk about these things? How do I tell her. Do you wait until you know if you like them and risk losing them over it? Do you tell them right off the bat? I had plans of writing answers to these questions, but honestly, I'm not really sure. I haven't dated someone who I met organically and I didn't talk to extensively online first since before I was all those things. So what do you do? Who knows, but as long as your honest (if someone asks you, don't lie. EVER) and respectful, no one can blame you for being who you are. In the end, if you lose someone for anything you have to "come out" about, they probably weren't right for you in the first place.

In praise of the average penis

So in the course of my sexual escapades, I can't tell how many times some guy, in an attempt to get me to sleep with him, or sleep with him sooner has told me that he has a huge penis like this is supposed to be some magic phrase that makes me drop my pants and bend at the waist instantly. It's something that has always irritated me, because frankly, you're more likely to incite me with telling me how distinctly average you are.

I've played with a decent number of penises in my life, from a little below average to well above, the fact is, they're pretty much interchangeable. I'm easy to get off, I want penetration, but I don't need to feel full. Most guys can get the job done, I don't see what the big deal is.

I've had a few run ins with boys who had notably large penises and it has never actually been that pleasant of an experience. First was with J. I went on one date with him, and ended up back in my room with him. He was about my height (I'd give him 5'4 at most) and when he took off his pants, his cock I swear was almost down to his knees. He couldn't keep it hard in a condom, I had just gotten on when it started to go soft. Of course the second the condom was off he was rock hard again and trying to convince me to do it anyway. I refused, so in total got about 1 minute total penetration.

The second guy whose penis stopped me in my tracks was G. For those of you that follow my twitter feed, G was the rope bondage/porn/nyc/spanish hottie I hooked up with for a while who I met through the blog. He made no claims about penis size, but sent me a naked picture of himself before we met. I called my roommate into the room and demanded confirmation of what I was pretty sure was the biggest dick I'd ever seen outside of porn, he confirmed it and frankly I was a little scared.

I've never really considered myself a size queen, but I was kind of excited to have sex with him, since there is an entire urban mythology surrounding huge penises. However, when we finally started having sex, his penis size was always a problem, not a blessing. I couldn't ride him, I couldn't deep throat him,trojan non latex condoms didn't fit him, and unless he held back an inch or two, every time he would thrust, I would get stabbed in the cervix or spleen. The worst part was I really liked him, but having sex with him always had to be tentative and careful. We couldn't just let go and be rough, which meant sex with him, regardless of how much I liked him, was always lacking.

So seriously guys, stop it. Stop the bragging, stop the insecurity, stop making a huge penis the holy grail of manliness, because honestly, I'll take average any day.

So that's it for today kiddies, as always, this is cleofaye saying if you don't know ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give direction!

Monday, July 12, 2010

Review: Ben Wa Balls

In the first batch of sex toys I was able to chose to review from Sextoy.com I also chose a set of ben wa balls by California Exotics. I'm slightly obsessed with Kegel muscles and exercising them. It's good for you in general, and I've been over that before so I won't go into too much detail, but I'm always looking for a good exerciser that I can use anywhere (not the kind you have to lay in bed to do.)

My first experience with the ben wa balls was, to be honest, forgettable. I put them in, no problem, being glass and me always being at least slightly wet, they slid in easily. However, once they were in, I couldn't feel them at all. i did jumping jacks, I ran errands, I sat, laid down, tried every position I could think of, and I couldn't feel them inside of me. However, this was a few months ago when I was getting laid way more then I am now. When I tried again more recently, the experience was a little different. When I first put the ben wa balls in, I could feel them in a pleasant, full, way. However, once they worked their way farther up, I once again couldn't feel them.

Taking them out was an... interesting experience. First, I would suggest taking them out sitting on the toilet, since flexing those muscles and pushing will totally make you pee. Also, I put them in and forgot about them, and almost lost it down the toilet when I started to pee. However, occasionally they would be very far up and take a bit of pushing and fishing with my fingers to get them out. This was both a good thing, as it gave me an actual workout, but I have a bit of an imagination, and whenever they were difficult to get out, I would have visions of my roommate having to get them out, or a not so fun trip to the doctor. Like I said, I have an active imagination.

So the breakdown of the toy, cause we all know how I like my lists...
1. They're cute. I'm not very girly, but something about these just made me really happy. How can you not love little purple butterflies in glass?

2. They're glass. Yes, I love glass, yes we've been over this, but the quick rundown of why it's great, they're durable, they're smooth, easy to clean/sanitize (top rack of dishwasher sans soap, 10% bleach solution, or boil for 3-5 minutes), and it requires very little lube.

However, in the end, this just wasn't the toy for me for one main reason, they were too light. They didn't really give me an adequate workout like I was looking for, or at least a feeling for fullness. However, I would recommend them for someone who is looking to start out with an easy Kegel exerciser, just make sure you're comfortable having to fish them out. If you're looking for this, or one of their many other dildos or toys head over to Sextoy.com. Thank you sextoy.com for giving me the chance to review these ben wa balls.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

My Adventures in Online Dating: Episode 4

So I made the switch not long after I put the blog on hiatus, that I wanted to stop looking for casual sex online and start looking for dates instead. Sadly, changing my profile to reflect this hasn't really affected my messages in the way you would think.

I recently got a message from someone who's picture is of a cat, doesn't have pretty much any info on his profile except that his is a "well hung black stud" who "guarantees discretion." He also made some vague reference to his "situation" so I'm guessing he's got a girlfriend at the very least. Sadly enough, he actually took the time to write a message, which means he read my profile, saw no mention of wanting casual sex on there, and decided to message me anyway. Really? HOW DO THEY KNOW???? (I mean, it was shady as hell, and I wouldn't have replied anyway but I swear they can sniff me out)

Also, if you're enjoying these rants, I found this site www.okcupidkillme.tumblr.com. These guys put mine to shame.

Don't forget, if you don't know, ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give direction!

Friday, July 9, 2010

Rape Culture

So I'm usually not one to react to other bloggers I see around the interwebs. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and even if I think the opinion is hateful, who am I to change someone's mind. I just sit here at my computer and I blog MY opinion, and I hope that it can be a voice heard over the din for people who need it.

However, I woke up this morning to a shit storm on my Twitter stream (by the by, come follow me). Britni wrote a post about getting sexually assaulted at a night club recently. That sparked a reply post over at view from the floor. That spurned a whole string of replies in the sex community. First I want to say that I'm not friends with Britni. We've had a few exchanges online, but we don't really know each other, so this has nothing to do with friendship,(Not that there would be anything wrong with it if it did) this is about the assumptions that allow society to sit back and blame women for male actions. It's ridiculous, and it has to stop.

The fact is, Britni is young, thin, and cute. She wears short skirts and high heels. She writes and talks about sex openly and honestly (God forbid). She's gotten catcalls and been harassed and people just say, well, you should know better. It's victim blaming at its finest.

What exactly are we, as women, as victims of sexual assault, or rape, or harassment, supposed to do, exactly? What are we supposed to "know better" than to wear? Are women not allowed to be young, thin, and cute, because that's not exactly something we have control over. Are we not allowed to drink because then we'll throw ourselves at someone and they can't tell the difference? Are we not allowed to be around any man who drinks, because they can't control themselves? We can't wear skirts above the knee because men look at us and become animals?

The fact is, it doesn't matter what we do, victim blaming is universal. Even if you've done "everything right" you still must have been putting out signals. I was a good little girl for a very long time. I was a virgin until 20. I didn't dress provocative. I made it clear I was uninterested and frankly could be a huge bitch doing so. I wasn't this young thin ideal. Yet when I came home from my first boyfriend's house wearing a tank top and pajama pants instead of the work uniform I had gone out in, my mother told me I looked like a whore and I was asking to be raped.

Later, I was raped by my boyfriend, I spent a long time calling it other things: "pseudo rape", "the incident" anything to keep from admitting it was rape. When he started to cry and feel guilty, I let him blame me, let him tell me I asked for it, because I felt like it was my fault. I had internalize so much of the rape culture hate that even though I was a virgin when it happened, even though I had told him I wasn't ready for sex, even though I had said no when he started to penetrate me, I was convinced I had "asked for it." Posts like the one in response to Britni just bring me back to that sad, self hating place.

I, we, as women, should be allowed to wear what we want, we can do what we want and we not fear that we are inviting someone to rape us. (Quick aside, when searching for the duke case, when you type in "duke lacrosse team" the auto complete suggest scandal, incident, case, controversy, and charges, but not rape, figures). This assumption that men are under evolved morons with no impulse control is insulting to all men out there. Men know what rape is. They are capable of controlling themselves. They are not actually dicks and no brains, and the idea that we are supposed to treat them like they are is both insulting to them and exhausting for us. All men are not rapists. I'm going to go out on a limb and say the majority of men are not rapists. Most men are thinking, feeling, empathetic human beings who don't think a women is theirs for the taking. Don't insult them and us by saying they can't handle seeing a pretty girl in a short skirt, or like they said in my high school, boys can't be exposed to bare shoulders, they will be unable to concentrate on their work. Let's give the boys a little more credit then that, so we can single out the douche bags who are rapists and give them the blame and hate they deserve.

So that's my little rant ladies and gentlemen. Be good to each other and yourselves, and I'm signing off reminding you, if you don't know, ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give direction.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Review: Melon Crank


I signed up as a sex toy reviewer for Sextoy.com and I was really excited when I got the first list of sex toys for possible review. I was like a little kid in a candy store.... there were so many things to chose from. I the first thing I picked was this Clear Nubby Melon Crank by Don Wand. Ever since seeing a crank glass dildo on Real Sex 27 (which unfortunately I can't find a decent link to, but you can occasionally still find the show on HBO on demand, and by the by, I actually recommend you watch it. If you can get past the very nineties hair and clothes you'll see that show was amazing. It was my first exposure to most the kink/sex positive community)I have always wanted one, so when I saw one up for review, I jumped at the chance.

I used this toy in every different way I could think of, I put it in my butt, I put it in my vag, I put it in the DFB's butt, and I had him put it in my vag. Separate occasions, because we know putting something in our vagina after it was in someone's (even our own) butt is asking for a problems right? right, moving on... I have to say, while I like everything about this toy in theory, it just wasn't exactly for me. First, a fun down of all the things that are fab about this toy.

1. It's glass. I've waxed poetic about how much I love glass before so I won't go into too much detail but, it's easy to clean, easy to sanitize (boil for 3 minutes, 10% bleach solution or top rack of the dishwasher(no soap)), and requires very little lube. It's my go to material for toys, but as always, that's a personal preference. Also my main compliant with using glass toys with partners(it's rigidity) is made moot by the lack of thrusting with this toy.

2. It's got loads of texture. The head is ribbed, the shaft and base have nubbs that are big enough that you can feel them, but not so big as to be irritating. Since it is spun instead of thrusted, this texture leads to some interesting sensations... which leads me to my next pro...

3. It HAS A CRANK PEOPLE! This was the whole reason I bought this toy, the crank. I loved the idea of having a toy spun inside me with texture to make me cum. It didn't disappoint. When it was in either my pussy (where the DFB could spin it really fast) or in my ass (where the spinning was slow and the sensation more intense) I really enjoyed the feeling. I'm finding it hard to articulate exactly, but I usually enjoy the thrusting motion when I use a dildo, but with this, I didn't thrust at all, just spun and the sensation felt more widespread and pleasant as opposed to the localized and intense sensation of hitting the g spot. With just the spinning and playing with my clit, I was able to cum, which almost always requires thrusting for me. It was definitely different and made the sensations interesting and fun. Who doesn't like feeling something new?

4. It's cheap. (in price, not in quality)It's true, I didn't pay for this toy, but I'm kind of a miser, so I'm always looking out for my readers in that regard. Who has 70 bucks to plunk down for a toy? This one is 18 bucks at Sextoy.com. You have to love affordablity.

Now I don't want to call the rest cons, because I don't think they're cons, they're issues I had with the toy, but that were specific to me.

1. It's big. I'm not a size queen. My go to toy for getting myself off it less then an inch in diameter at it's widest point. I know that this toy is only listed as a "small to medium" anal toy, but for me it, at 1 and a half inches in diameter, it was the largest toy I've ever had. It took a lot of warm up and work to get the toy in my butt, and honestly, I'm not patient. I like something I can put in after just a minute or two of lubing up and being fingered. That said, once it was in, it was a good full feeling and didn't feel TOO big. The DFB took it much easier then me, and really enjoyed the size, so again, that's just something I'm still working on.

2. I couldn't use it sitting. I masturbate sitting up, usually watching porn on my computer. Because of the size, I couldn't put this toy in vaginally and sit upand because of the crank I couldn't just use it as a butt plug while sitting either.This is really only a problem because I'm a creature of habit and kind of a brat about changing my routine(also, my bed is across my room, so I have to turn the porn volume up, and I don't like to disturb my roommate)I also had a slight problem with the angel laying down vaginally, but a pillow under my ass fixed it without much fuss. So again, a lot of people masturbate laying down or with their ass in the air, or honestly, in any position imaginable, but I wasn't able to masturbate with it.

3. It's harder to do solo. The spinning action was way harder to do on myself then on someone else. So my spinning was a bit haulty and slower, but still got the job done. Damn my short stubby arms.

4. Hair. I'm not that hairy of a girl, I generally keep my pubic hair trimmed or shaved, the same with any hair around my ass, so for me, the toy spin freely without any kind of a problem. However, the DFB has a little bit of a hairy ass, and when we tried to spin it, even with a lot of lube, hair would get caught or pull, so it wasn't comfortable for him. Something to keep in mind.

Finally, I should let you know that I dropped the toy in my bathtub (which is an old school solid one, not one of the plastic kind they have now) and broke the handle and base off, so while this thing can handle being dropped in my wooden floor (what can I say, I drop things a lot), be careful around tile or other hard surfaces.

All in all, I liked this toy, but, I have to use it with a partner, which is a little bit of a negative for me. I would recommend if for seasoned butt play enthusiasts, those who aren't particularly hairy or are groomed short, and for someone who wants to try a different sensation.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Dear Sextoy.com

As I said before, I started reviewing for Sextoy.com a while back. The shipments take a while to get to me, and by the time I'd gotten and used the first set of toys, I was offically in my funk. I didn't want to write. I had used them with the DFB, and I didn't want to think about him. I was just feeling down and not responding to the calls for upcoming toys available to review. All while sitting on about 70 dollars worth of toys that I had been sent for free, and hadn't reviewed, i.e., I was being an asshole.

I got an email from Domina Doll, who runs the reviewer program, and I was flooded with guilt. I didn't want to open it, I was scared of what she was going to say. I didn't want to feel any worse then I already did. Finally, I sucked it up and read the email. I was shocked. She was amazing. She was kind, she told me she understood how hard it was for me. She told me even a bare bones like/don't like review would be fine. She told me she hoped everything was ok. I couldn't have asked for a better response.

It was just the nudge I needed to get back into this. I needed someone to tell me it was ok, and as soon as I didn't feel guilty for not doing it, I wanted to write and I had a reason. I know there has been a lot going on in the sex blogger community about different companies and how they treat their reviewers. I just want to put out there, that sextoy.com has been nothing but nice to me, when honestly, I hadn't been doing what I was supposed to, so if you're buying toys, think about going with them, because they've proven to me at least that they really do care about me as a person, and a blogger, not just as someone to get their name out there. Thank you Domina. That is all.

I'm back bitches!

Hey everyone. I'm back. I'm still dealing with some of the things that brought me to the decision to close the blog, but all in all, I'm doing better. First I had outstanding reviews to write, and I've been hearing/reading some interesting things I've wanted to write about. I'm probably going to be staying away from my personal experiences for a while, and stick to reviews, advice, and discussing sexuality in the media. Which means I'll encourage you again to send me any questions and feel free to send me anything interesting about sex that you find at cleofaye01 at gmail.com. I'll be posting a review later today, and should have a few more coming in the next week or so, so I'll leave you with my words of wisdom: if you don't know, ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give direction! Love and kisses cleofaye.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

And so it goes....

I'm sure you guys have noticed a distinct lack of posts on my part. I'm sorry. I been going through a lot lately, some of it good, some of it bad, but all of it comes together to mean that I'm going to have to put this blog on hiatus. I don't know for how long. I'll be posting a few outstanding reviews that are due, but I don't know if or when I'll be posting again. There's a lot that's going into this, and though I don't know how many readers I actually have, I'd like to give you an explanation. I don't have all my thoughts completely formed, so things might be a little disjointed, and I apologize in advance for that, but I'll try my best.

I've never had the best self esteem. Growing up chubby will do that to you, but having an older brother and going through school, I developed a pretty thick skin pretty quickly. Working at a homeless shelter for youth cemented my ability to let any and everything bounce off of me. I was able to maintain this thick skin because I'd found myself, and been pretty pleased with who I am and who I had become. I've grown a lot since I was 18, and I've changed for the better.

Sex helped. I was really, inexplicably, effortlessly good at sex. I'd never been so naturally talented at something before. The power of walking around knowing I fucked like a porn star, that I came at the drop of a hat, that I had no gag reflex was amazing. I had this secret knowledge that no matter what anyone thought of my looks or my body, they were missing out. I was more comfortable naked in bed then clothed.

I had always been a serial monogamist, but after my most recent break up, I entered my slut phase and unabashedly started sleeping with many more people then I had before. I made myself a set of rules, mainly to keep me from fucking half the city. I wasn't going to have sex with someone I wouldn't want to make out with. I wasn't going to have sex with anyone I didn't like. I wasn't going to break up closed relationships.

I sought out experiences, kinksters, threesomes, whatever I could find that was new and interesting. I was racking up partners, but sticking to my rules, so I was fine with it. I don't know when it happened, but something changed. Things changed from having sex with someone because it was fun to having sex with them out of some sense of obligation. I slept with people because I had told them I would. I slept with them because they bought me dinner. I slept with them because it would be good blog fodder. I slept with them because sex is who I am, and I didn't know how to find people without it.

With that change, the rules degraded. I fucked a guy who's dinner conversation made me want to reach over the table and scoop his eyes out with my spoon. I fucked a girl who clearly had feelings for me who I just saw as someone to fuck around with. Then came the DFB, the Douchebag Fuck Buddy. This guy is everything I hate in men. He was a white, heterosexual cis male with no understanding of checking his privilege. He treated me like a child with leftist ideals because I "didn't know any better." He was crass, bigoted and homophobic. He said things I found appalling. I was never particularly attracted to him. But I had sex with him, multiple times. It's some of the best sex I've ever had, which to be honest, depresses the hell out of me. Then, I discovered he had a girlfriend, or more accurately discovered he had a girlfriend who thought he was monogamous. I cut it off with him.

3 weeks later in a moment of weakness I texted him. I started having sex with him again. I hated myself for it every time I did it, but it never stopped me from wanting it. The sex is amazing, and I found myself justifying fucking him. He may be this, he may be that, but under it all, he's a good guy. I even thought about telling him to dump his girlfriend and give dating a shot. (Thank God that didn't happen.) Last week, we went to dinner and he started lecturing me. I should "take better care" of myself. How it was a disgrace that I couldn't be bothered to dress up for him, to put on make up. How I should lose some weight. How if I were prettier, with the sex I have, I could rule the world. I just sat across from him, taking it, nodding. I even fucked him that night. Once the numbness of the experience wore off, I realized that I'd pretty much hit rock bottom.

I'm not dumb, I know what people think of me. I'd always known he'd felt this way, but he'd never said it, so I was willing to ignore it. The truth is, I've allowed myself to get into relationship after relationship with people who don't think much of me, and make it pretty clear they don't respect me. I've been treated like crap. a lot. And I take it, every time, because in the end, I get it. I have this thick skin, the ballsy front that tells the world I love who I am and fuck anyone who disagrees, but it's not true. Most days, I don't like myself, so I allow people in to my life who treat me like shit and make me feel worthless because in some back corner of my mind, I don't think I deserve any better.

I've used sex as my means of attracting and keeping partners. I've let it become something that defines and creates relationships instead of being a part of them. I hate myself for the people I've let into my life. and I don't really know how to change. So I'm taking some time off, time to myself, and hopefully, I'll get my head on straight. I've really enjoyed having this blog, and it got me through some hard times.

So with that said, I'm signing off kiddies, and I'll leave you with words that are still very true. If you don't know, ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give direction. Love and kisses..... cleofaye

Sunday, April 11, 2010

My Adventures in Online Dating: Episode 3

I'm a bit of an insominac sometimes and lately I've been up past 2 most nights. When I'm bored I like to troll around my dating site to pass the time. I've said before there is an IM feature. Last night I was on, talking to a boy who had written and interesting and thoughtful message to me and who happened to also be on super late, for about a hour. Over the course of that hour, I got 2 separate messages of "WOULD YOU LIKE BIG COCK?" (yes, in all caps, because that's not annoying as hell or anything) and "You want to fuck?"

Part of me has to laugh at these things. I've come to expect them, I have that I'm open to casual sex on my profile, and I know there are people who search just for that. But honestly, I was curious, because what kind of girl response positively to that? I asked both if they ever got good reactions to that pick up. They both stated they had. I politely declined both offers and both boys were nice enough to leave me alone after I did. However, I have to wonder how often a girl answers yes to such advances, and at 3 in the morning, what do you do? Meet? Cyber? Webcam? (if anyone knows I'd love to hear it.)

I'm thinking of doing a social experiment and IMing random boys with things like "You wanna fuck?" and "YOU WANT VAG?" to see what happens. If I get the balls to do it, I promise I'll report back.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Review : Wet products

A while ago, the fab people at Wet sent me some products for review. I've said before I don't want this to become just a review site, so I promise to only post reviews between my regular updates. Anyway... I was fully expecting little single use packets. I was shocked to find small bottles and full sized products, but I appreciated it.

The first product I tried was Wet's Total Body Shave in Forbidden Fruit. I'm not really a shaved bare kind of girl, mainly because I'm lazy and have been the victim myself of getting stubble rash from eating a recently shaved girl out, so I generally go for an electric razor, but in the interest of the blog, I went all in and fully shaved my bush. I liked the shave cream (which is saying a lot, I usually use all natural stuff from Whole Foods that is amazing, so I'm a shave cream snob.) and have continued to use it on my legs and underarms. It rubs in completely, conditions my skin well, and makes for a smooth shave. I did get some in grown hairs, but less then usual, and the guy I presented my newly shorn chuff to that night stated it was a nice close shave.

I'm not the most girly girl, so when I saw "Forbidden Fruit" I was a little leery of it. I've never really liked all those scented lotions. I like to smell clean, like shampoo and soap, not like I've dipped my crotch in some sort of sun ripened cotton field with cucumber melons. It's just not my style. The shaving cream has a smell, and I can't completely place it, but I like it. It's sweet, but not overly so, and light, so it's not overpowering. I would totally recommend it, especially over those crap girly shave gels like skinimiate and all that.

I also got a small bottle of Wet's Clear Flavored Body Glide in Kiwi Strawberry. Even though the bottle says sugar free and the website seems to say it wouldn't cause your chuff to go all wonky (hello yeast infection), I've never been one to trust artifically flavored (or, now that I think about it, really anything flavored) things near my vag, but I've never been one to need lube for plain old penis in vag sex (I didn't have an ex nickname me slip and slide for nothing). I also personally can't imagine the taste of kiwi strawberry mixed with chuff. Two good (well at least kiwi strawberry is good in theory) that do not go well together. I LIKE the taste of eating a girl out, it's half the fun. So I decided against using it for vaginal sex.

I did bust it out with DFB for anal play. We both just tried it on our fingers first. I didn't like it, but I'm a bit of a foodie and mainly vegan, so something so obviously artificially sweet wasn't really my thing anyway. DFB didn't love it, but thought it tasted pretty good. I did notice that it didn't have a bitter aftertaste like some do, but it left that super sweet taste in my mouth like diet soda does. I used my silicone strap on on DFB and tried it out. It's a little thin for my tastes. I know some people like that consistency, but for me, it just made it easier for me to drip on the bed. I also compulsively use more when it is not as viscous, but there was no need to reapply. DFB then used it to put first a toy then his cock in my ass. It did it's job, but he agreed that the liquidiness of it made it a bit more messy for him as well. All in all, a decent lube, especially if you enjoy lubes with a thinner consistency. I'm not a fan of flavored lubes in general, I like the taste of the things I put my mouth on, or I wouldn't put my mouth on them, but if it's a problem for you, this taste would probably take care of that.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

E lust #10


HNT Courtesy of Babe Lincoln

Welcome to e[lust] - The 10th edition! Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #11? Start with the rules, check out the schedule in the site’s sidebar and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Negotiation - Not Nearly As Awkward As Having a Breakdown in Public - All the worries about getting to know a new person (“Am I dressed ok? Are they gonna like my stories about my grandma?”) get exaggerated when you’re talking about sex and desire...

Dollar Store Domme - He definitely can't elude the dollops of toothpaste I dab onto his nipples. It takes a delicious second before he feels the cool burn penetrate his flesh. By that time I'm already up and selecting a plastic spatula from the credenza.

The Best of Both Worlds or Lost in Limbo? - Whether intentional or unthinking, bisexual denial is a frustrating thing for bisexual, pansexual or ‘fluid’ people to have to deal with.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Navigating Genderqueer in Suburbia - But pray tell how do the rest of us navigate it? How the hell am I supposed to know if you identify as male or just like dressing like one?

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

The Daddy Issue: Sexualizing Abuse - I needed to walk through this fear, and turn it into pleasure. I needed to prove to myself that he hadn’t broken me. That he hadn’t changed who I was to become. That I was not affected by what he did. That he didn’t abuse me.

See also: Pleasurists #69 and #70 for all your sex toy review needs.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Erotic Writing

15 minute phone sex
...And Orgasms On Demand
A Neighbor In Need #7
Afternoon Delight!
Casino
Desperation & Dominance
Dreams
Evening Home, Part 3
First Asleep Loses
Happy ending
I Got....
I am a keeper of secrets
I Got Fucked
I am Coming for You: A Letter to Scin
Late Night Satisfaction
Lolita's Mother
Making M Squirt
Sir ~ intro
The Hatter
The Flash Fiction Friday FAQ!
Trussed
We fucked, they applauded
Where there is a libido, there is a way
Wicked Wednesday: Idyll

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

20 Reasons Why Sex Is Good
Defining Sex
Hurt me, Pet
I Was Raped
Playing Dumb
Red Flags of an Abusive Partner, Part 2
Restrictions and Satisfaction
Someone Else's Shoes
Sex Isn't Everything
The Art of Sensual Touching-Caressing for You and Your Partner
The STI You Haven't Heard of: Molluscum contagiosum
The Suit
Vibrant Woman or Live Masturbation Sleeve
What I Don't Need

Kink & Fetish

A Little Girl's Need for Submission
Are You Done Yet?
A Reformatory Punishment
BDSM Advice Series: Floggers
Bruises
Determined to bind
His Slut
I Really Wasn't In The Mood
Impact
Pain and Healing
Questions From DH About These Things We Do
Surrender
Sub Drop: Fact or Fiction?
Tiiu Ashcraft - Fetish Artist and Beauty
The Eroticism of Tattoos
The Competition
Wanting to want

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

A History of Violence
Asshat of the Day Award
Awesome Mentoring Work and Upcoming Apprenticeship

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Where have all the boys gone?

What kind of sex blogger doesn't have sex? Well.... apparently this sex blogger. The sex in my life has been tapering down in frequency for the past 6 months or so, and with the ending of yet another fuck buddy relationship, I'm faced with the idea that I have no idea when the next time I have sex will be. This idea both freaks me out and frustrates me.

I've mentioned before both the fact that I sincerely hate the search and screening of a new sex partner process, and I have the highest sex drive of anyone I've ever met. (I'm sure they're are more people out there like me, but I've never met anyone, and I sure has hell have never slept with anyone that even came close). These two facts leave me in a perpetual dilemma, constantly wanting sex partners, but never wanting to have to find them.

Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I believed fr a little to long in the stereotype that men always want it and it's the girl's job to regulate how much sex the uncontrollable boy gets. In the end, it all results in my constant surprise at how hard it is to find reliable sex partners. It's not hard to find someone to fuck once. Give me 10 minutes on craigslist and I can have plans with at least 5 or 6 different men, but that's not what I'm looking for. 1. I never meet up with someone for sex without emailing back and forth and at least 1 g chat conversation. I have a pretty good judge of character, and if you can get past that phase of the process, you're generally a decent person. 2. I'm not looking for a one time thing.

With the amount of sex I want to have, I would be racking up numbers like crazy to keep myself satisfied, and while I don't have a problem with large numbers, the increase in exposure and risks of all kinds (craigslist killer anyone?) isn't something I want. So why is it so hard to find men who want to meet habitually? I make it clear I am NOT looking for a relationship. I don't stay over, I bring my own protection and toys, and if I do say so myself, I'm pretty good in bed, so I don't get it. I would think guys would be as happy as I am to not have to keep looking for lots of sex partners, but lately that hasn't been the case.

Who knows, maybe I just pick bad people, or maybe noncommittal people just pick me, but whatever it is, I'm sick of it. Is it really that hard to find a guy (or girl, but honestly, with as hard as it is to find a guy, and how many more of them (straight men) there are, I've sort of given up on finding a girl, or a few guys) that wants to have sex a few times a week and have someone to call when they just want their brains fucked out? Apparently it is. Who knew?

I'm sure this should lead me to some larger conclusions about life and stereotypes and sex drives and feminist or something but honestly, at the moment I'm just annoyed I'm not getting laid.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

The eroticism of Tattoos...


I know, I know, I've been a horrible blogger. I haven't written anything in like 2 weeks. I suck. I could give you my excuses: depression, a grad school app crisis, and a hateful computer that's been locking up when I try to open more then one internet tab at a time... but the fact is, it doesn't really matter does it? You don't come here for stories of my life, unless those stories take place while I'm naked. What it all boils down to is I've been absent, and I'm sorry. I give each permission, if you ever meet me to spank me or something in punishment.

So in the weeks since I've written here, I haven't gotten laid at all. Out of my three local, semi consistent sex partners, one disappeared off the face of the earth, one moved 2 hours away, and the other and I haven't had a chance to get together for mainly scheduling conflicts. It's been about a month now, and honestly, I'm about ready to fuck the couch, but anyways, moving on.

I did manage to do one thing that made me feel amazing. I got a new tattoo. It brings the count up to 7, and it is by far the largest I've ever gotten. I went with my friend N. I was explaining to her how much I loved the feeling of getting a new tattoo, but while I was on the table, shaking from being in the uncomfortable position that long and gripping the table in pain, she asked if I wanted to change my answer.

No, never. I like pain, I like being a sub, but I have major trust issues, so I don't do it often. Body modification is completely trust worthy pain. A tattoo artist or piercer is someone who will cause you pain, but always stop when you tell them, always check on you to make sure you're ok, and will never do more then you asked/paid for. All the things a good dom does. I realize I could probably find a pro dom who would do all those things for me as well, but, like I said, I have trust issues, and I don't think I would be able to let go with a dom like I can at a tattoo parlor.

As the needle touches my skin, I feel a change right then. I can feel the blood rushing to that part of my body, feel the rest of my skin cool in comparison, feel the cutting, stinging pain, feel the warmth of the tattooer's gloved hand sliding over my skin, wiping off ink and blood. This time, for the first time, it was so big, the endorphin rush of pain hit before I was done. About an hour and a half into it, I felt the high hit. My skin felt electric, but at the same time, the pain was dulled. I rolled on to my side so he could get a better angle, and my eyelids drooped. I felt warm and safe and happy. I know that N was talking to me, but I couldn't tell you a word she said. I laid there, my head on my arm, with a stupid half grin as I just let the calm wash over me. My head was finally, blissfully, peacefully quiet.

Finally, 2 hours after we've started, the tattooer (who, by the by, is ADORABLE, I might want to marry him a little) looks up and tells me I'm done. I hold my pants up to my ass as he sprays my legs with water and rubs up and down the newly raw skin with his gloved fingers. The cold of the water shocks my system awake, while his hands calm me down again. I get up and look in the mirror. I hadn't really planned on getting a tattoo, and I definitely hadn't planned on one this large, but the second I see it, it's love at first sight; as it has been every time I've gotten one. The combination of raw, pink skin with dark, bold ink is one of my favorite things, and I wish they could always look as they do right after they are done.

For awhile after, I feel high. I love everyone and everything. I want to crawl in the lap of the cute boy waiting for his friends to get off work. I want to kiss everyone there. I want someone's skin on mine, I want physical affection, something I never let myself crave. But, as all things do, the feeling fades. Suddenly I'm exhausted. I want to crawl into bed, warm and safe, and I'm cranky that I'm not.

For a few days, I'm raw and sore. Every step I take jars my skin, making me ache. But I wash the new ink lovingly, running my fingers along the still raised words. The raw skin jumps and stings under my touch, but I love that feeling. But soon the flaky, itchy stage starts, and then, the ink is set, and it's just part of my body again, not special, not electric, just skin. But the memory sticks for a while, the high feeling, the feeling of the needle and hands on my skin, and that's enough. But soon the memory will start to fade as well. I'll struggle to recall the details, the exact mix of sexuality, sensuality, pain, and bliss that I've never replicated anywhere else will become a intangible concept in my mind instead of an exact feeling. And when finally the high is just a blur in my mind, that's when I get the itch for my next one.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Formspring time!

I've mentioned before that I have a handy little box on the sidebar where you can submit questions to me through formspring. It didn't tell me I had any until the oldest had been sitting in my inbox for over a month. Sorry about that to anyone who asked a question. Since I don't post them to my twitter or blog, I figured, I'd repost them here, (with a few updates or changes as needed)

1. Which form of bondage turns you on the most?

Probably rope bondage, because you can do so much with it. it can be pretty, it can be painful, it can be tight and binding. And depending on the person, the type of rope, the setting, the experience is totally different every time.

2. How do you handle being in a relationship with someone who is polyamorous and has a primary partner?

It really depends on what you're looking for in the relationship and what the poly person is looking for. If they are looking for an equally balanced triad, it could be more fulfilling then any coupling. Regardless, it requires a lot of communication and understanding on your part that yes, you are required to share, yes, they were there first, and unless it's distinctly decided, you'll have to understand the primary partner's needs are a priority. So it takes a lot of work, a lot of talking, and I truly believe a specific personality, I don't think everyone is capable.

3. How many guys and girls have you slept with?

This question prompted me to actually make a running tally, since I don't want to forget anyone. The final number was 17, 7 girls, 10 guys. (Sadly, 5 of those people have been since 2010 started, my number of sex partners has gone up exponentially each year) [Just letting you know, after being really proud of myself for writing them all down, I totally forgot 2 people, so the count is 19, 7 girls 12 guys]

4. When was your last orgasm? what caused it?

It was less then 12 hours ago, cause by masturbation with my favorite glass toy. The answer to this question is very rarely more then 24 hours. I masturbate almost everyday unless I'm really sick. (It's 3 weeks later, and the answer is almost exactly the same)

Sunday, February 14, 2010

The List

I lost my virginity on Valentine's Day.... yes, I know, seriously, there was music, there were candles, I made a special dinner, it was something out of a movie, and considering I am not one to appreciate romance (when it's directed at me, I'm one romantic bitch as long as it is me doing it for other people), that's just a little ridiculous. In honor of such an occasion, I've decided to post my list.... yep that list, all the sexual partners I've had. To make the cut, one or both of us had to cum, (or, for one sad boy, there had to be a valiant effort to that end).

Here they are, in chronological order (or at least, as near to order as I can remember).

P- Dated for almost three years (July 04-March 07) What is there to say about P? I very desperately wanted to be straight, and he very determinedly hit on me all summer as my boss at a block buster. I was 20 when we met, he was 32. I subbed for him until the incident. I owe a whole lot of my sexual knowledge and confidence to P.

K- Dated for about 9 months (July 06- March 07) I fell in love with K the moment I met her. She was 'the love of my life, and completely batshit crazy. She had spent a year in a mental institution before I met her. She would call me at 6 am having panic attacks outside her job. She pulled out all her eyelashes. She broke my heart. She's still the only one to ever make me cum from just clit play.

D- 3 weeks of dinners and 2 nights of making out/sex (November 07) I was a mess when D met me. I had moved to the city, didn't know anyone, didn't have a job, and was depressed. We had sex once after talking about it constantly. It was good, but I never heard from her again.

KN- Dated for 3 months (May 07-July 07) KN was trans, and honestly, I hooked up with her the first time because I thought it would be interesting. It was, but that was the most interesting thing about her. She had the personality of a rice cake. She had her SRS while we were dating, so I got to experience sex with her both pre and post op.

B- Dated 6 in open relationship months (August 08- March 09) B was also trans, again, I was very comfortable with her, but after the fact I wasn't in love with her. We were just supposed to have sex, but ended up dating, and planning a future together. She had amazingly long fingers and is still some of the best sex I've ever had.

KE- 1 night (sometime around Dec 08) I had known KN for as long as B, but she went up to school 2 hours away before we could get together. We met up while she was home for Christmas. She had huge boobs she wouldn't let me touch, and I kept my pants on the whole time

N- 1 night (Jan 09) I was missing penis, met him online. He was terrified, he came, proclaimed it the best blowjob he's ever had (he was 21, so I wasn't that impressed with the compliment), then was too nervous to have sex.

M- Fuck buddies for three months (March 09-June 09) We were both bitter and jaded. We both wanted sex. He helped me through my break up and we met to hook up one a week for the next few months. We continued to meet for dinner when both of us got s/o's and are still friends.

J- 1 night, (March09)- He was about my height (5'2) with what must have been a 9 or 10 inch cock. He couldn't keep it up in the condom, I refused to do it without one. He went down on me... for like an hour... until I just faked it (since he wasn't listening to my directions anyway). Only person who tried who never made me cum.

A- Dated 3 months (April 09- Jun 09) Was supposed to be a fuck buddy, I fell hard for him. Might still be a little in love with him. He was a sub and I had the best BDSM sex with him.

MI- 3 nights (Sept 09) Sub who wanted to pay to play with my feet. I let him do it for free, don't know if that's better or worse. Blew him a few times. He tried to pin me in bed despite my protests, I never let him back in my bed.

JP - Fuck Buddy (Sept 09-?) I met JP right before A and I broke up, and we didn't do anything for months. We would get together every couple of weeks, since neither of us got to have sex with women often. She just moved an hour away, so who knows if/when we can get together again.

D - 1 night (November 09) D is of the older couple fame. Hot, off the boat Italian, easily twice my age. Finger fucked me within an inch of my life then sent me home.

KK- 1 night (Dec 09) Met online, agreed to casual sex. I had my period, blew him, got an email a week or two later. He wanted more then casual sex, just not with me. Ouch

AK&R 1 night (New Years Eve/Day 09/10) Met the couple through Fetlife. Looking for a switch. Played all night and again in the morning.

G- Hooking up (Jan 10-?) He found me through my blog. Wants to do porn with me. Has a large penis I actually wish was smaller. Treats me better then anyone I've actually dated. Into rope bondage and BDSM.

PL - Fuck Buddy (Jan 10-?) Met on Twitter. Flew up from Florida to meet me. Went with me when my car got impounded. Best so far in getting me off whenever I want it, even if he's not up for it.

DFB - Fuck buddy (Feb 10-?) B actually sent him my way, realizing he was too kinky for her. Has almost the perfect penis. Lives nearby and is a perfect booty call (comes, cums, recovers, dresses and leaves, no fuss, no muss).

That's it. My list. I'll note that I started having a lot more fuck buddies after KN, because that when P and I actually stopped having sex once and for all. Looking at the list, I have mixed feeling about it. Some people I miss purely for the sex, so I miss for the friendship, and some I can't believe happened in the first place. But that's all for me kiddies on this Valentine's day, and wishing you all the love in the world, for yourself, since no one else really matters. With that I'll sign out saying, this is cleofaye, and if you don't know, ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give direction!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

My Love Affair with Porn (addendum)

I jut wanted to make a note about what I've been saying in my love affair with porn entries. I've gotten comments talking about the unrealistic bodies and expectations mainstream porn has. I know all that. I'm a big girl, when I started having sex, I was wearing a size 22. No one looked like me. It didn't matter if they were fucking on screen or falling in love in some hollywood romantic comedy. I learned long ago to forget that my body was never represented and to enjoy whatever was on screen in spite of it. Even now, at a size 16, I don't see anyone on screen, in general or in porn, that looks like me.

I'm hot, but the fact is, if anyone is taking me to bed and expecting to see an airbrushed porn star body underneath has a serious detachment with reality. I used to be ashamed of my body, or at the very least self conscious about it. However, when I started having sex, I realized how incredibly amazing my body is. There is nothing like an orgasm, and I came to understand very early if I was freaking out about what I looked like, they were elusive. I don't know when exactly the change happened, but it was pretty early. When I realized I was good in bed, I stopped insisting on dim lighting or in positions I thought I looked better in. I'm now more comfortable with a new sex partner naked then I am going out on a date.

I would be lying if I said I'd never had partners who made me feel shitty about myself, but I haven't allowed one in my bed in years. I don't have a hard time finding people who want to have sex with me, and I don't need someone who doesn't appreciate my body.

So yes, although this rant went a little off topic, I wanted to say I know that mainstream porn is full of a bunch of size 2 women with perfect bodies and plastic surgery, but you know what? so is every fashion magazine and mainstream movie (oh excuse me, I could always get work as the plucky fat side kick who always talks about food) so before we talk about body image and porn, put down the Cosmo and stop talking about how people like Kira Knightly have the best bodies, then maybe we can have a constructive conversation. For now, I'm going to say that at least porn stars are open about their plastic surgery, and admit their bodies are unnatural, instead of every other actress out there saying she's just blessed with good genes. So if you're willing to watch regular movies and browse magazines that lack images of women that represent your experience, I don't see the difference of watching porn with the same thing.

That was a bit of a rant, but if you can't rant on your own blog, where can you? I'll sign off as always, saying, if you don't know ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give direction!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Techincal Difficulties

Just letting anyone who sent me a formspring question that I didn't get the notification that I had any waiting until about 10 minutes ago, so I will be answering all of the questions and posting themas a blog entry in the next few days, I just wanted to tell everyone I wasn't ignoring them and I'll be sure to check it more often instead of actually relying on them to email me.

For now (since I'm just finishing up part 2 of my love affair with porn post and it should be up by the end of the night) I'll leave you saying If you don't know ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give direction!

Friday, February 5, 2010

My Love Affair with Porn Part 2

Growing up, my friends and I never talked about sex much. The closest we ever ame was a sleepover when I was 16 or so where a few of the girls admitted to masturbating, and where I revealed my adventures in babysitting with the spice channel. When I got to college, my friends were just as inexperienced and quiet about it as I was aside from occasional jokes. When I started being sexual with my first boyfriend, I felt really lost and confused and didn't have anyone to talk to.

Being the geek that I am, I decided to research. I started watching all the porn I could find, figuring that if anyone had sex well, it would be porn stars. I never got "the talk" growing up. I didn't have sexually open friends until after I was having having sex regularly, and I was scared to reveal the extent of my inexperience and ask my much older boyfriend to explain things to me, so almost everything I knew about the actual physical mechanics of sex I learned from porn.

I know there are feminists everywhere tearing thier hair out at that statement, and yes, I will totally own the fact that the porn I watched was the big hair, big tits, airbrushed to hell studio films women like to bash most. I loved them then, and they hold a special place in my heart now. I found them to be very educational. It hasn't always been meant as a compliment, but I've been told more then once that I "fuck like a porn star." So, here is the rundown of what I learned from porn.

- Blowjobs can/should be both pleasurable and messy
Those girls in the movies attack a dick like it's their first meal in a week. They moan around them as they work. They really look like their enjoying themselves. I realized that while my friends had been discussing how gross it would be to perform oral sex, apparently it could be fun. The girls would also lick, slurp and spit, making everything slick and slippery without shame, without apologizing, and without stopping to grab a towel.

- Play with your own clit
Girls in porn do this all the time. During penetration, they reach down, play with their clits and get themselves off. I never knew this wasn't something that everyone did. I did it the first time I had sex, and pretty much every time after. It puts me in control of my pleasure, which is always a good thing.

- Being....*ahem*... vocally appreciative is sexy
Porn is loud. Loud is hot. Would you want to watch two people fuck in silence? Neither would I, but for some reason, people get shy when it comes to thier own bedroom. Yes there are things like parents or roommates or neighbors to consider, but you can always smother yours cries with a pillow. I'm not saying you should put on a show if you're not feeling it, but don't stifle yourself for fear of sounding stupid. Making someone cum so hard they make a ridiculous/funny noise is an accomplishment. I've said it before, but it bears repeating. If you can't laugh at/during sex, you don't deserve to be having it.

- Butt sex is fun/normal/sexy
I know there are tons of problems with the word normal, but in terms of what my 19 year old self gleened from porn, normal was exactly what I was looking for. I wanted to know what people did. I found, in these movies, people had anal sex. Most people had butt sex, and from what it looked like on screen, it didn't hurt, it wasn't scary, and the girls looked like they were enjoying it. I realize now it's very possible they weren't enjoying it at all, but seeing it on screen gave me the courage to try it, since by that point, I'd gotten more sex positive friends, but none of them had ever done it. If you read this blog regularly, you already know I love butt sex. I have porn to thank for that.

- Facials are acceptable
I know that a lot of women find them demeaning. I never have. I've cum on men's faces, I don't see the big deal in letting them cum on mine. Again, this was something my friends were ignorant of or actively opposed to, but something I wanted to try after seeing it so often. I'm not a huge fan, I prefer to swallow, mainly because it requires less clean up and I'm lazy. But I get off on getting others off, so I'm glad I can fulfill the fantasy that most guys I've been with haven't had the chance to.

So yes, porn can be ridiculous, and porn can be unrealistic, but it taught me everything I know, and I'm proud to fuck like a porn star. On that note kiddies, I'll be signing off saying, if you don't know ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give direction!