Saturday, October 31, 2009

Spicing it up: Costumes

It's halloween today kiddies, and I figured before I go out in way too slutty clothes and get a little schnockered, there would be no better time to talk about the role costumes can have in the bedroom.

To be honest, I've never been a huge fan of costumes, I spent a whole lot of time getting comfortable with who I am, and god help the person who doesn't agree that I'm fab, cause they're never getting in my bed. If my sexual partner can't find me hot in my supergirl underoos, they don't deserve to see me in my sexiest thong.

That said, I have some items I've worn in bed and no where else, and when it comes down to it, it's all about setting the mood and having fun. If you're role playing, having a school girl outfit (I know I know, it's cliche, but it's cliche because almost everyone out there, including me, thinks it's hot.) can help you get in character for your school girl/principal fantasy. If slipping on a pleated skirt helps you leave your inhibitions behind, then by all means, get as many outfits as you want and wear them often.

Where I have a problem with costumes is when you're using them to cater to someone else. If you feel silly or awkward in it, why are you wearing it? You should only wear something in bed (or really anywhere at all) that makes you feel hot, sexy, and confident. If you're pulling at the hemline or worrying about your thighs jiggling, you're not going to be able to let go and have fun the way you deserve to. I have certain underwear that make my ass look great, I know it, and when I wear them, I feel great, and it makes me more outgoing and more flirtatious, even if no one can see them but me.

So go out there, find something that makes you feel amazing. Wear it tonight or any night, and let yourself go! Ok kiddies, I'm off to get ready for a fun night. I hope all of you are too. As always, this is cleofaye saying, when in doubt, just ask, and when you're unsatisfied, give direction!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Anal Sex Part 2: The Ins and Outs of Butt Sex

So I've been thinking about this post for a while, and I know it's going to be on the longer side. There is a lot to discuss when talking about how to have anal sex, and I don't want to leave you without any important information. I don't want you to get lost in sea of never ending text, so I'm dividing this into things you need to know before, during, and after. So if you're with me so far, let's get started.

A lot of this will be similar to the other anal play posts, but they bare repeating, and are completely relevant to this discussion, so I would rather repeat myself then miss anything


First, go read my last anal sex post about myths and facts surrounding butt sex. No, I'm serious, go read it now. I'll wait. Ok, now that those points are out of the way, some more advice.

For the recipient:

1. DO love your body. Your butt is happiest when you're taking regular poos powered by lots of fiber, fruits, and veggies. You never know when you're going to want to have butt sex so really, you should just always be eating these things and pooing well before any sex session, it will make your butt sex and your body cleanier and happier.

2. DO listen to your body. Sometimes you just don't feel up to it. Maybe you have a rumbly stomach or have been having some digestive problems all day, you might want to skip bum sex that night, or face a much messier then usual experience. Sometimes you go to stick a finger in and it just doesn't feel right, regardless of how turn on, lubed up, and gently it's done. Don't power through, you're body is trying to tell you something and you'll likely have an unpleasant experience.

For the penetrating partner:

1. DON'T just stick it in. Make sure your partner is turned on, warm them up with rimming and fingering before even attempting to put something the size of your cock in there.

2. DO get permission. Even if you think you've done plenty of warm up, your fingers are gliding in and out easily, and your partner is enjoying it thoroughly, make sure to expressly ask them if they are ready for your cock. Sometimes they'll want more time then you expected.

3. DO know your anatomy. Do you know what to expect? Do you understand how the rectum works and what has to happen for butt sex? Do you know that it is two rings of muscles, about an inch apart from each other that both have to relax? You do? oh good, moving on then...

For both of you:

1. DO talk about it beforehand. Make sure you discuss butt sex beforehand so you are both sure that you want to do it before the time comes. If one or both of you has reservations, talk them out, and make double sure you're comfortable BEFORE penetration.

2. DO think about positioning. Butt sex involves a lot of communication, and if you aren't at the level where you know your partner's every thought by staring at their back (like you would for doggy style), you might want to try facing each other the first few times. It will be much easier to read your partner's facial expressions if you can actually see them.

3. DO have clean up ready. Have paper towels or baby wipes around for clean up, as well as fresh towels in case a shower is needed.


For the fucker:

1. You asked just to be sure right? Ok, then DO lube up. Hopefully you've already done this step since you fingered their ass, but if you didn't or they need more, lube up your cock, using what's left on your hand to lube their asshole and pushing some in with your finger.

2. DO be up to the task. Make sure you're completely hard. Semi hard cocks just don't do butt sex, it's a sad truth.

3. DO take it in stages. Place the head right at your partner's asshole and push gently (don't force it if it's not happening) but firmly. Once you're in, you'll hit the second set of muscles. Stop there, let your partner relax, then repeat the step again. Move forward in small increments, letting your partner adjust each time, until you're in completely. Check with your partner, play with their clit/penis, make sure they're comfortable before you start thrusting, and start off slowly.

4. DO mind the bend. No one is a straight shot, everyone has a bend, your dick may conform to it when you are going slowly, it probably won't if you're going fast, don't thrust right into your partner's colon, that's never comfortable.

5. DON'T be afraid of more lube. If you're getting a little dry or starting to drag AT ALL, add more lube. It's always better to err on the side of too much then too little.

For the fuckee:

1. DO Relax. If you're tense, there is no way in hell it's going to happen. If you don't want to do it, then don't, because letting someone put their dick in your ass when you really don't want it there is never going to be a good experience for either of you.

2. DO pay attention to your body. If your butt says it's not going in tonight, despite the fact that you want it to, you're relaxed, you're lubed up, and very turned on, then don't force it. If you have your heart set on butt sex, try getting off and giving it another go, you're ass is generally a bit more relaxed after an orgasm.

3. DON'T just lay there. Give yourself more stimulation. Play with your clit, insert a dildo in front (there will be more on dp in another entry coming soon), try different things and your old favorites, it will only add to the sensation, and make the experience more pleasurable.

4. DON'T be scared to speak up. This relies on a lot of communication. If something feels wrong, tell your partner right away. You probably just need more lube, a different angle, or some other quick fix, but if you're still uncomfortable or feeling any pain TELL THEM and STOP. If you check everything out and are up for trying again, that's fine, but better safe then in the hospital with a butt sex induced injury.

For both:

1. DON'T forget that communication is key. Yes I've said this to both of you individually, it's worth repeating. If it doesn't feel right don't do it. Pay attention to your bodies.

2. DON'T freak out. Yes, I've talked a lot about what can go wrong, but the fact is, just be safe, keep checking in, and go at it. Butt sex in intense and hot and sexy and anything else you want it to be, don't let the technicalities of it psych you out.


For the sodomite:

1. DO cum inside. I recommend it because you need to pull out slowly, and that's not always the first thing on your mind if you're pulling out of your partner's ass just before climax. Use a condom or don't, your choice, but the pullout method is useless in the butt anyway, so just do it.

2. DON'T whip it out. Once you've cum, pause a second, and pull out SLOWLY. If you rip it out, it's possible to really hurt your partner.

3. DO clean up without freaking out. If there was some poo involved, wipe it off, go wash up, shower if needed, but don't freak out or say anything about anything being gross or disgusting. You chose to put your cock in someone's ass, it's always a possibility. If you are an asshole about clean up or make your partner feel shitty about something they can't control, they have my full permission to kick you in the taint... just sayin.

For the Sodomized

1. DO let yourself feel it. The moment your partner pulls out is an odd sensation, to me it always just felt... for lack of a better word, sad... to have my butt feel so suddenly empty. If that's you, just know it's a pretty normal feeling.

2. DO shit it out. Depending on the poo situation, you may or may not need a trip to the bathroom to wash up or shower, but while you are there, sit on the toilet. You'll have a post bum sex poo that will basically be all the lube (and possibly cum) leaving your butt. If you don't do this, if you fart, or sneeze, or clench any of your ass muscles, (and you will, butt sex sends a ton of air up there) it will come out where ever, when ever you happen to be (you know, like talking to your parents in the living room one day, a sneeze, and boom, soiled panties that you had to pretend were fine for a good five minutes to not arouse suspicion, not that that has ever happened to me or anything.... moving on)(also, quick aside, check your poo for blood, just in case)

For you both

Butt sex is what you make of it. Enjoy yourselves, be careful, and try everything that looks interesting. That's all for me for today, so this is cleofaye saying, if you don't know, ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give direction.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Loving your local sex store

(First of all kiddies, I want to let you know that I've put in paperwork to become and affiliate at passional. This will get me a discount there and I might be getting free toys to review at some point. I'm going to be talking about sex stores in general, but I will be praising passional as my home store. If, knowing I'm affiliated with them, you want to take what I say with a grain of salt, I understand and feel free; but I don't have advertising on this site because I can't control what ads are displayed, and I would never allow something on this site that I don't use myself or trust is a good product/store. Maybe one day I'll be able to get sponsors and banners and all that, but as of right now, I'm keeping this place just information and products I use myself.)

There are tons of sex stores out there. They range in size, selection and skeeze level. A good one can open you up to new experiences and toys you never knew were out there. A bad one can make you feel dirty and wrong for just wanting to buy a vibrator. I grew up in south jersey, and worked in atlantic city after I graduated from college. There are dozens of sex shops in Atlantic City, all skeezier then the next. I had been dating P for a while, and had come to one very distinct conculsion: I HATED his porn. It was all either really low budget or the high end Andrew Blake, I have to fast forward past all the girls standing around and crawling on the floor to get to the action type stuff. We needed better porn, and soon. I decided we needed some lesbian porn, preferably something with Jenna Jamison in it. (I loved her then, and still do, the woman is my porn idol.)

We were by Atlantic City already, and that was where P had gotten all the porn he already owned, so we set off to get some more. I walked into the first store (there were 3 or 4 on our list) and the place sent a chill down my spine. It was racks and racks of porn dvds in hinged display cases. There was a glass display case at the counter with a few kinds of lube and some dildos, and behind the counter a middle aged man who looked at me with both a shock and hunger that made me think they didn't get many young women in the store. I could feel his eyes on my back as I browsed the hundreds of titles on display. There were a few other middle aged men in the store. I was the youngest by a good 15 years and the only girl. I stopped at a title and flipped it over to see the next (the display was like the kind the have for posters, all attached at the middle where you can flip through to see each one.) and there was a loud metal screeching. I was horrified, I felt like everyone was staring at me (besides the guy behind the counter who I knew was). I refused to touch them again I was so embarrassed. P decided to take initiative and ask where the lesbian porn was. When the counter guy told him, he proceeded to call across the room to let me know he'd found the lesbian porn. I blushed so hard I felt like a had a fever. I couldn't take it, grabbed P's hand, and pulled him out of the store. Over pizza I explained that perhaps calling across the room wasn't the best way to go about things, and there was no way in hell he was getting me back into that store or any of the others on the list. We ended up buying a porn from the back room of a movie rental place where all of the movies could be purchased as well. I never went back to an Atlantic City sex store again.

P and I used to drive up to Philly on a pretty regular basis, and one day we parked on bainbridge, right near a store with a big pink sign saying "Fetishes Boutique." I elbowed P and jokingly asked if he wanted to go in. He said yes and since I had brought it up, had to go along. I walked in to another middle aged man behind the counter, and thought I was in for another humiliating experience. But, to my surprise, he looked up, met my gaze, smiled and asked me if this was my first time in the store. I nodded, and he proceeded to explain the layout, introduce himself and his coworker in the back room, offered to get anything we wanted to look at closer, and offered a 10% discount for our purchase as first time costumers. The place was well lit, clean, and welcoming, nothing like what I'd experienced before.

I didn't manage to buy anything that first day, but I went back a few weeks later to get my first sex toy . I've been back many, many, times since. I've been to openings of their small fetish art gallery upstairs (and been tied into a rope harness while there), I, with the help of my best friend and all the workers there, picked out new lube for my mother (she's had KY at her bedside for as long as I can remember and I had to put a stop to it), I've taken my mom and her friend to buy new toys their (they put 300 dollars on my rewards account), and I've even taken a pole dancing class though them. Most of the workers know my face, and I've always gotten fantastic service every time I go. These people know their stuff, and are always willing to share what they know. The place has actually expanded, split into two stores (toys & clothes), and changed it's name in the time I've been going there, and my experiences have only gotten better.

I know that not everyone has access to a place like passional. But that's what the internet is for. There are tons of sites out there dedicated to helping you find what you need and getting you sex toys discreetly. Check out the sidebar for a few suggestions. I'm no longer freaked out sex skeevy sex stores, and in fact sort of revel in freaking out the middle aged male staff by discussing with my friends, loudly, my favorite BDSM experiences. I've found nothing shuts them down quicker then a cute girl who knows way more then they do. For those of you with sex shops around, this is what I look for, and my suggestions for a better shopping experience.

1. Good location. If you're going to be scared to leave your car in the lot or that you're going to get shot on your way there, it isn't worth it.

2. Friendly staff. Yes I've mentioned the gross middle aged men that work most stores more then once, but that's because they were the main reason I was so freaked out. I like a place that at least has a few women on staff, or if not, the men are not looking at you like they want to rape you in the back room.

3. Knowledgable staff. The staff at passional know what they're talking about. They put me to shame. If I ever have a question or want to learn about something I haven't tried, they are always right there with the answer, no matter how obscure the subject or kink. If the person doesn't know what phthalates are, then walk out of the store right then and there.

4. An focus on safety. When I buy rope, they suggest safety scissors to go with it. They have a full range of condoms, female condoms and dental dams. They always explain not to use silicone lube on silicone toys. They do not sell anything with phthalates in it. The make sure you know how to clean and/or sanitize anything they sell before you leave the store. If you're store isn't set on making sure you have the best time you can as safely as you can, they are not worth your time.

5. Classes. This is the sign of a store that is dedicated to helping people have better sex lives. Lectures or demos on everything from blowjobs to spanking are fun, informative, and a great resource

6. Well lit/ good layout. You don't want to be in a place so crowded you can't move around, you also want to be able to see what you're looking at. If you can't reach half the toys (this happens to me a lot, I'm only 5'2), you're not going to consider buying them. This also shows the staff cares about their merchandise and has thought about making it easier to shop there.

7. A full range of merch. If I'd never gone out of Atlantic City for my sex toys, I probably would not be into half the kinks I am now. I like to be in a place that has everything from the tame to the things I would never even attempt. This gives me a place to both ask questions about the things I don't know, and exposes me to things I may not have known were out there.

8. A range in price. You get what you pay for. I've learned this lesson a number of times. I remember sending a friend and her girlfriend to passional for a strap on. They said it was too expensive, and ended up going to a notorious novelty sex store in philly and buying it there. It was a jelly toy with phthalates, and wasn't firm enough to use. Yes they paid less for it, but it sat in their closet completely unused until they finally threw it out. Yes, the best sex stores may be a bit expensive, but there is almost always something in your price range, and what they sell lasts.

9 Bring someone. If you're nervous or freaked out, bring someone with you that you're comfortable with, and who, preferably, is more outgoing or comfortable talking about sex then you. You'll have their support and worse comes to worse, they can do the talking for you.

Finally.... just make your own decisions. Don't stay any place that makes you feel uncomfortable. Like I said, there are plenty of online stores if there isn't a place where you can relax and buy sex toy in person. So go out there kiddies, try your local sex shop, and don't accept a shitty experience as the way it's going to be. Keep shopping around if you have to, or go online. And, as always, feel free to email me with any questions ( I'm off kiddies, and I'll sign out, as always by saying, when in doubt, just ask, and when you're unsatisfied, give direction!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Anal Sex Part 1: Myths and Facts

I've already said that I'm a big fan of things in my butt. P, the first ex, was very into butt play, knew what he was doing, and made me love it right along with him. I'm generally pretty paranoid, so I was very scared of sex for a long time. Butt sex was something that wouldn't get me pregnant, so it was much easier to convince me to give that up first (and yes, I got him tested before we did anything together, so there was no STD risk either). I only had butt sex for about 6 months before actually having vaginal sex. I have a few things to clear up and talk about before we get into the mechanics of actually doing it.

1. Myth: Butt sex is painful- Butt sex can be painful, if you're not careful and communicating closely with your partner. In short NO, BUTT SEX SHOULD NOT HURT. EVER. Everyone got that? If it hurts, it means something is wrong and you should stop, figure out what's wrong, and keep going only if both partners are still up for it and ready. This is why you should never use a numbing agent. You could not realize you're hurting until you've done serious damage.

2. Fact: Butt sex is intense- Girls, think about this logically for a second. Your vagina is designed to pop out a baby. A fucking baby. If it were that sensitive, or you could feel the skin stretching around a penis, it would be so painful, women wouldn't be able to handle child birth. Now think how sensitive your butt is. Exactly, you can feel everything during butt sex in a way that makes vag sex seem completely numb. That's exactly why being careful and lots of communication are especially important during butt sex.

3. Myth: Spit is enough lube for butt sex- I call bullshit on this. I have friends who swear by spit, but frankly, I've never had anything but intense pain the few times I've tried it. Use a good, thick lube that doesn't dry up. I suggest silicone based for butt sex, but any one that you like is fine.

4. Myth: Butt sex is naughty- ok, I'll give you that yes, to some people butt sex is naughty, but that stigma has been fading fast for years. Tons of people put things in their butt, it's just that no one talks about it. It's not that shocking or taboo anymore (unless of course that is what gets you off about it, then sure sweetie, you go be your naughty naught self). I mean they sell lube at walmart for god's sake, and that place won't sell music that mentions butt sex, so really, it's not that big of a deal anymore.

5. Myth: Butt sex is rough and impersonal- again, I'll give you that this is sometimes true. But then again, it's true about any kind of sex you can have. It's not the type of sex you're having that determines the tone, it's your mood. Butt sex can be just as intimate and loving as vaginal sex, if you want to it to be. Your interaction with your partner, and your position will determine what style of sex you're going to have (rough, romantic, sensual, etc...) not what orifice you're having it in.

6. Myth: If a guy's into butt sex, it means he's gay- yes, gay men have butt sex, but lesbians have oral sex, does that mean every girl who likes to be eaten out is really harboring lesbian tendencies? That's all I have to say about that.

7. Fact: You have to be more careful during butt sex- You're vag is designed to pop out a baby with minimal damage, you're butt isn't. Anything sharp, gritty, too dry, or rough can rip the lining of your anal cavity. This requires you to be more careful and communicate with your partner so you know if you have to stop, slow down, or add more lube.

8. Myth: Butt sex is all about scat play- You poop out of your butt, we all know this, but no, butt sex is not scat play. If you eat a decent diet with a good amount of fiber, and don't do it if you're not feeling well or have to poop, you shouldn't have a problem. If you do, it's a slight amount that's easily wiped off with some baby wipes or paper towels. Yes accidents happen, but most butt play, if you listen to your body, goes off without a problem.

I think that's about it. If anyone has any more questions before the butt sex how to (to be posted early next week) email me at or leave a comment here. So it's something to think about, and give a try if you've been leery of it before. That's all I've got for tonight kiddies, so, as always this is cleofaye signing off with if you're not sure ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give direction!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

The problem of cum

We have multiple discussions of sex with boys, with one thing that's been missing. When you have sex with boys (and yes, I pretty much always call them boys because the fact is regardless of age I have never met a boy who was completely mature, not the first one, who was 12 years older then me with 2 kids, not even my dad)you have to deal with cum.

First, some cum basics. When a guy orgasms, he squirts out a mixture of sperm and seminal fluid (something for the sperm to live in) at a rate of .8 seconds between spurts. Generally it's white, though it can be slightly more off white and that's normal as well. It has a consistency of raw egg, but that changes over time. Cum starts off liquid, thickens up for a short amount of time, then becomes more liquid again. This developed so cum would stay in the vagina longer while thick, then potential run through the cervix easier when it turned more liquidy again. (nifty how that evolution works isn't it?) When cum dries on skin it feels like back in grade school when you used to let elmer's glue dry on your hand then peeled it off. (I know I can't be the only one who spent most of elementary school covered in glue.)

Now that we know what it is, what do we do with it? What should you do with cum? Personally, I've always found the easiest way to deal with cum is to let it land in a condom. You pull out right away (before he gets soft at all, but you knew that already right?) pull the condom off, tie it up, throw it out (don't flush it, it's bad for the environment and doesn't always stay down.) and you're done.

We've been over before that I really don't like condoms that much, so for me, it's actually easiest to let the guy cum in an orifice. You can clean up as you like from there, generally going to the bathroom is more then enough for vag or butt sex. If you want to let a guy cum in your mouth, it is up to you what you want to do (but we've gone over this already). Swallow it and you've got instant disposal, spit, and you just need to have either a cup, a paper towel, or something to spit in/onto.

While we're on the subject, we'll have a quick aside about taste. Everyone's cum tastes different, the same way every girl tastes different. There are a lot of things that affect the way cum tastes, and a lot of changes a guy can make to improve it. I've said it once and I'll say it again, tasting a smoker's cum is like licking an ashtray, it's fucking gross. The fact is, the healthier the guy's diet, with a few rare exceptions, the better tasting his cum. Red meat makes it more sour, fruit (especially pineapple) makes it sweeter. Vegans are rumored to taste very good, junk food addicts tend to taste awful. Anything that makes your pee smell bad,(asparagus and coffee for example) makes your cum taste that way too. So really, if you're a considerate guy, please don't have garlic, coffee, and a huge steak and expect a blowjob afterward.

There is also the option of letting the guy cum on you. Some girls love it, some hate it, so really it's a personal decision. Growing up with years of porn, most guys appreciate a good "money shot" moment. Offer your ass or tits and they're generally happy. However, the holy grail of porn is the facial. Now some women have a problem with facials because they think they are demeaning/degrading/pushing the women's movement back 50 years and all that. I plan on explaining this further in a separate blog entry, but basically, what you do in your bedroom has nothing to do with life's general power dynamics. If you think you wouldn't mind a guy cumming on your face, don't let your feminist sensibilities tell you it's wrong. You're doing something you find fun and interesting, and it has nothing to do with your feminist values or some idea that men are more powerful, so get that out of your head. Personally, I get off on anything that my partner really gets off on, so it's never been a big issue for me.

A few words of caution if you're going to do a facial. Make sure you don't get it in your eyes. At the very least it will sting, at worst, you can end up having to go to the doctor with an infection. (If you have glasses you can always wear them as protection, and of course enough of guys have a sexy librarian thing that he'll probably think it's sexy). If you're a guy reading this, honestly, just don't be a douche. Don't aim for her eyes, nostrils or hair, though everything else is free game. Also, be a gentleman and have a towel ready so she doesn't have to sit there with your spooge on her face waiting for you to find a cum towel.

Finally, a word on cum clean up. First, clean it up while it's still wet, dried cum is a bitch to get out of even the finest of body hair. Second, use luke warm water. You can also use cold water, but that's just unpleasant, but hot water will actually make cum clump and will make it even harder to get off your skin or out of your hair.

So now that I've talked about it a bit, I'm hoping you'll be inspired to try something new with cum (if that's the kind of sex you're into anyway, sorry all my female lovin' folk, I'm sure I'll have something for you soon). So in closing, this is cleofaye telling all of you, if you don't know, ask, and if you're not satisfied, give direction!

Saturday, October 17, 2009


Sorry, kiddies, but the entry is going to be late today. I would apologize, but I'm getting ready for the beyond fantabulous Kate Bornstein to come speak at our local LGBT bookstore, Giovanni's room, which with the closing of Oscar Wilde in NYC is now the oldest LGBT store in the country. They are currently trying to raise funds to reconstruct an outside wall that was deemed unsafe, and costs 55,000 dollars to replace. Ms. Bornstein is coming to support that. If you're in the philly area, I would highly, highly recommend you come. Details here.

Not only will her fabulousness be there, I will be too, working the door. Come see us kiddies, it promises to be an amazing time!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Strapping it on Part 2: Doin the Deed

So you've picked out the perfect strap on... it's cute, it's hot, it's sexy, and it's all yours, and you can't wait to use it right? Right. But the question is, how do you want to use it. To talk about strap on sex, there is an important component we have to discuss. What about strap on sex appeals to you? Is it just a fun way to get off your partner hands free, or is there more to it for you? For some girls, there is a distinct feeling of power and fun in the gender-bending aspect of having your own penis. If this is you, feel free to try some role playing with your strap on. Have your girl give you a blowjob or handjob. You'd be surprised how erotic it can be, even if isn't exactly part of you.

I don't really have a fun anecdote for the first time I used a strap on (We're talking about just on girls, to be clear, we'll get to pegging at a later date). I remember not really being interested in getting one, but my first gf K really wanted me to, so I did. I dated her in a triad with my ex P, so I never really saw the point of it, since we already had a penis in the mix, so penetration was something we could have without a toy. (Yes I know having sex with a girl with a strap on is different, but I was young and stupid, and footing the bill, so I wasn't too psyched to spend the money on something I didn't think we needed.)I only got to use it a handful of times before we broke up. After some experimentation with P, it sat in a drawer gathering dust for a very long time. I've since used it with most of my exs at least once. It's not something that's part of my average sexual experience, but I always end a session with it thinking it's something I should do more often. So here they are, my little list of Dos and Don'ts for strap on sex (with a girl, in the chuff).

- First, DO OWN IT! It can feel a little intimidating or silly donning a strap on and harness for the first time. I remember my first few times; quickly slipping it on sitting on the side of the bed, rolling over and just starting, feeling way too shy to let myself be seen in full glory. Yes, it might feel a little weird at first, but girls with strap ons are hot! Revel in how sexy you are and how much pleasure you're going to give your partner and go for it!

- DON'T crap out! Fucking someone is a lot of work. Like way more then you would ever expect, especially since it's not something we girls get to do that often. You're abs, ass, and thighs will all be feeling it after a few minutes of vigorous sex and probably for a few days after wards. These aren't muscles we use that often, but power through it for the first few times, chalk it up as that day's workout, and pretty soon you'll build up the endurance to go for as long as your partner can take it.

- DO communicate. As much as it can feel like it sometimes, a strap on isn't part of your partner's body, this means she can't always tell right away if she's at a bad angle or hitting your cervix. This means she needs you to TELL HER! If there isn't good communication, sex isn't going to be good for either of you and really, if that's the case, what's the point. Just a quick, "oh, bad angle hunny" or "too deep" keeps the action going while fixing the problem (because you'd never sleep with someone who doesn't pay attention to your signals right? right, good)

- DO watch out for pop out. You got yourself a good stiff dildo right? ok good, then this shouldn't happen too often, but if you get a little overzealous you can pull too far out and the dildo will pop out of your partner. Be very countious of this, since nothing can kill a good strap on session like getting a hard dildo thrust into your taint. It hurts, a lot. Generally the dildo weighs enough to pull your harness down a little when it pops out, look for this sign or try putting a finger on either side of the dildo for your first few times until you get a feel for it.

- DO consider a vibe. We went over that most harnesses or toys (usually at least one or the other) have places in them for a bullet vibrator. If this is something you enjoy, by all means, use it. If you're indifferent, ask your partner's preference.

- DO use lube. You got yourself a nice silicone toy right? Good, now that's a good choice, but silicone toys are notorious for "eating" lube. Even if your girl is a naturally very wet, use a little lube (Water based only, but you knew that already right?). I'm going to go on the record as saying I recently tried Maximus brand water based lube and it's the best water based I've ever used. It's thick, doesn't gum up, and won't hurt your silicone toys, just a quick suggestion.

- DON'T think you're in control. Just because you have the strap on on doesn't mean you're calling the shots. You don't have the sensation to really understand what is going on, so you must listen to your partner. They determine how hard, how fast, how deep and how long. You're cock isn't going to get soft, and theoretically you could go all night, but that's probably not going to be pleasant for the person you're going all night with. When she's done, you're done, no excuses or exceptions. If it's then you're turn, that's fine, but chaffing is no joke, and give your partner a break.

So that's about it. Like I said, we'll be talking about pegging with a strap on in a seperate post, so keep an eye out. In the mean time, have fun kiddies and as always, if you don't know, ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give direction!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Does this shit happen to other people? (Part 2)

So I have a uber flirty online persona. It's always been that way, it's just who I am. I have a twitter account.... I think most of you knew that already, since I think that's where a lot of my readers come from, but that's besides the point. The other day one of my twitter friends stated she was free for the weekend and needed to pick who to have sex with. I, of course, offered my services, which is completely in line with how I act on such sites.

After a brief flirty exchange with a slightly older woman, I recieved a direct message from her telling me that in fact she couldn't come up this weekend, but would like to at some point and wondered if her bf would be welcome as well. Yes, yes indeed, I got propositioned for a threesome via twitter. Seriously, does this shit happen to anyone else?

(by the by, if I decide to go for it, I'll keep you updated)

PSA: Coming out

So national coming out day is sunday. I thought, in honor of this momentous occasion, I would talk a little about coming out, and leave a few closets of my own behind. I don't talk about myself too much in this blog. I mean sure, you guys probably know more about my vaginal anatomy and sexual bloopers than most of my ex's, but in terms of who I am, I tend to stay deliberately vague. There's a number of reasons for this. 1. This blog isn't really about me, it's about what I know and what I can teach others. 2. Most people in my life don't know about this blog, so I keep things vague so if they stumble on it, I won't be found out. But with a topic like coming out, you can't write about it without being personal.

There is more then one closet, and many many things to come out about. Yes the most common is coming out as gay, lesbian, or bi; but you can come out as queer, trans, kinky, poly, or say... a sex blogger. Anything that people don't generally know about you is something you have to make the decision to come out about or not.

There are a lot of reasons not to come out. If you don't know what your sexuality is and are still questioning, it's perfectly acceptable to wait until you have a better understanding of yourself to tell everyone else. If you're kinky, there may not be a reason to tell people like your coworkers or family, honestly, would you want to know if they are?

With that said, it can be hard to keep a secret, especially if you're just falling in love, don't you want to talk about your new person constantly? Suddenly it doesn't matter that it's a third in your relationship, or a boy after everyone has thought you were a lesbian.

So here it is, my coming out manifesto. Here is everything that I'm either partially or fully in the closet about, as well as some things pretty much everyone knows about me. These characteristics are not who I am, but they very much shape my experience of the world, and to understand me, one needs to understand where I am coming from. However, they are not set in stone, one day, maybe they'll change, and that's the beauty of a fluid identity, the ability to adapt and change.

1. I am queer. I'll never be straight, but honestly, I'll never be gay either. After falling in love with my first boy ever, I don't know where the future lies for me. I know that I love personalities first, and that honestly, genitalia comes last in my consideration of who I want to be with. Everyone knows this by now. Even my coworkers have been there through my ex girlfriends and an ex boyfriend. They like to call me Anne Heche, but in general, it's never been something that anyone has had a problem with.

2. I'm genderqueer. You would never know it to look at me, but I've stuggled a lot with my gender identity. If I could take a magic wand and turn myself into a boy, I would, but for me the process seems worthless if the end result doesn't involve an actual functioning penis. I an cursed with femininity, regardless of how hard I try to hide it. I have a curve figure and a face with incredibly feminine features. I've done everything from chopping my hair off to wear three sports bra everyday to give myself a more androgynous look, but I've never been able to get any more masculine then baby butch dyke. So I gave up and have resigned myself to a fairly femme look. However, I still align most strongly with the trans community and feel that if one day the technology changes, my mind may change as well.

3. I'm poly. I had a triad relationship for about 9 months a few years ago, and have had open relationships ever since. I don't know if monogomy is for me, but honestly polyamory brings a lot of work and potential drama into a relationship. Who knows, but for right now, I refuse to find myself limited to any one person.

4. I'm kinky. I'm BDSM top. I can't handle a loss of control in the bedroom, it makes me uncomfortable.

5. I'm a sex blogger. Yes, readers, I know you know this already, but the fact is a huge population of the people I know don't. My mother knows, my brother has read it, my dad has a vague idea that I do something on the internet that he doesn't really want to know about. My conservative extended family has no idea, neither do any of my coworkers. Telling people that you talk about sex all the time can ruin your credibility in certain circles, so I don't advertise this blog as much as I could, to keep it from a lot of the people in my life.

So that's it kiddies, I'm officially out... to the internet at least. Feel free to leave anything you want to come out about, even if you want to be anonymous. This is cleofaye saying, be proud of who you are and, as always, if you don't know, ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give direction!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Admin updates

Hey kiddies, I have a couple quick things that I need to let you know about.

1. I'm coming up on what will probably be some of the last regular how to blogs. There will be plenty of kinks to explore, but in terms of the basics, we're coming up on the end. That means the format will probably be changing a bit. I'm thinking that I'm going to start going to one kink or how to early in the week and a wildcard later in the week.

2. I've added an email address to the site.... yep, right over there in the sidebar. You didn't even notice it did you? I didn't think so. But yes, I'm going to be taking your questions and anything else you want to email me at Send me love kiddies, I can't wait to hear from you.

3. I'm thinking about changing over to wordpress. I'm a stats geek and they have more stats on their dashboard then I could ever ask for. I don't know much about wordpress, so if anyone has had any experience with it, good or bad, please let me know.

4. I'm going to be a collaborator on a new blog! Don't worry kiddies, I won't let it interefe with my posting here, but I've signed on to be a guest blogger at on wednesdays from here on in. I'm going to be discussing kinky sex. I'll probably be cross posting a bit from there when we talk about fetishes, but she has a word limit of 500-800 words, so I may be rewriting or at least fleshing out my posts for here since mine usually run 1000 words plus. (Yeah, I know I know, I'm one verbose motherfucker.)

5. I don't know how many of my readers are from the philadelphia area, but I have to PSA a second for something that really means a lot to me. Giovanni's room (12th and pine in philly) is now, with the closing of Oscar Wilde in NYC, the oldest running LGBT bookstore in the country. They recently realized they had to renovate an outside wall to keep up with building codes. They are trying to raise 55,000 dollars. They've got about 15 so far, but they have a long way to go. If you're from the area, check them out, they are fantastic. If not, please support their online bookstore at This place was one of the first where I really felt welcome and at ease when I first moved to philly. I've been attending a book club there for over a year and a half and sometimes it has been one of the few things that has sustained me. Please take the time out and support a independent, LGBT owned bookstore, and forgive me for rambling about it a bit.

So that's it kiddies. As always, this is cleofaye saying if you don't know ask, and if you're unsatisfied, give direction!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Vaginal sex part 3: Doggy and Wildcard

Ok, so we've gone over the basics of vaginal sex, and a few positions, but we're not done yet, so off we go into the land of heterosexual vaginal sex for more positions and tips.

Doggy style (Yes, I know the technical name for this is "rear entry" who uses that shit, Do you really think you're going to turn anyone on by getting close to their ear, lips parted seductively, and whispering "I want you to fuck me in the rear entry position" But I don't think I've ever come across anyone who didn't love to be told fuck me "doggy style")- Doggy style is a crowd favorite for a lot of reasons. It allows the fucker a fabulous view of the fuckee's ass, it allows for deep, fast, hard penetration, and it's in almost every porn ever. It's fun, and it's easy to modify to take into account things like penis curve, and how far back the vagina is on the body (This actually varies a lot I've found. Who knew?) So here are a few quick tips on doggy style straight, vaginal sex (because trust me, we'll be talking about doggy style butt sex soon enough.).

- DO go full tilt. The more distinct the angle of the receiver's body, the more friction, and the better it feels. So all that crap in porn where the girl is on her hands and knees, forget it. You're going to want to be on your shoulders or elbows at the highest. This also allows you a free hand to either play with your clit, or play with his balls, or go back and forth between both. Just be careful that you don't lose your balance (yep, yep, been there, done that). If it's too hard for you to keep your balance that way, guys, put one foot on the bed to raise your hips, or stand on the bed and squat (but that's can be hard to balance on too)

- DON'T just let him plow you! Be an active participant. Fuck back, use your kegels, reach of and play with his balls. If you're feeling really into it, tell him to stay still and just pump back and forth yourself. This way you'll control the depth, speed, and angle of the action and determine what's best for you.

- DO change it up. Yes, doggy style is classic porn fodder for the nameless, faceless pounding, but it doesn't have to be. Going slow, caressing her ass and keeping in constant contact can all keep the experience very intimate. Also, don't feel obligated to stay upright behind her, lay your chest along her back and wrap your arms around her chest or play with her clit. The more skin contact, the more romantic/intimate it feels.

- DO try pulling out. If it's not your thing, it's not your thing, but it's always kind of hot to be able to cum on a girl's ass. Just sayin.

Ok, I'm going to admit that those (Girl on top, Doggy, and some form of modified missonary) are the big three in my sex life, my go to positions. I'll just throw out a few wildcards that I'll take when I can get.

Sitting- I've never gotten the whole sitting on the bed indian style, rocking back and forth super intimate form of this I keep hearing about, it's so not my style. For this I need a couch or a chair or something (and I don't have any good chairs for this is my bedroom, and my roommate and I are close but not you-can-fuck-in-the-living-room close) which is why this one is pretty rare for me. There are two main ways you can do this.

- Facing each other. Have the girl straddle your lap, either on her knees or feet, hold on to the back of the chair behind you (I recommend a big lounger or something like that, this isn't for those wooden kitchen chairs) and go to town.
- Facing the same way. Depending on the length of both partners legs and the height of the chair, either straddle his legs, or have him spread his legs and balance between them, either way put your hands on his thighs for leverage and bounce up and down and grind to your heart's content.

I'll also say that you can fuck standing, but honestly kiddies, I'm short, like really short, like 5'2 short, and I have never managed to make this work. Theoretically it could work on steps I think, but again with the roommate not really being the voyeur type. If both partners are pretty close in height (use heels to help this out if you're close) or if the girl is a little taller, this will be a lot easier. You can also spread your legs to even the height difference if it's not too distinct. What can I say, I love my tall ones, even the shortest girl I've ever dated was over 5'10, and with that big of a height difference it's almost impossible.

So I think that's it kiddies, my last post on straight vaginal sex. It's all kink, queer, and interesting from here. These tips, as always, are just a guideline, if you find something that works for you, go for it, and just go with the moment. If it feels right to throw your leg over his shoulder, or you want to put a foot on the bed to change your penis angle, go for it and see what happens. Just have fun kiddies. That's all from your preventatively short hostess, cleofaye and remember, when in doubt, just ask, and when you're unsatisfied, give direction!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Links Galore 2

I know I know, you're saying Cleofaye! A crappy links post? That's like those clip shows sitcoms put on to not have to write new content. Indeed it is kiddies, indeed it is. As per usual, heterosexual, vaginal sex has me staring at the screen blankly. I will power through by tomorrow night at the latest I promise, but here's something to hold you over until then.

As you know, I scour the interwebs for fun and interesting sex news. Here are some fun things I've found, with, of course a little snarky commentary from me.

10 weird ass condoms from Japan I don't really like condoms, who does, but these are so cute and in such fun neat packaging I would love to keep them on my bedside table. I especially like the kit kat knock off, they were one of my favorite candy bars as a child.

Myths about sexuality I'm hoping, dear kiddies, that if you read my blog regularly you already know this stuff, but it's always good to have someone dispel some myths. This is just a quick, fun little entry that packs some good information.

Snuggie Sutra
Because even though those things are ridiculously hideous, I still sort of want one, and lord knows I would be having sex in it.

Postman has been hoarding porn, toys, etc, for 10 years Yet another reason I like to buy my porn in person, even if I have to walk through the city with a sex toy bag that leads crazy men on the street to ask me what I got. (True story)

Sugasm #174

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #175? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks
5 things I have learned from customers last week at the adult store
“Attractive men typically buy the freakiest toys on the market.”

Doctor’s Visit
“Reach back and spread your cheeks for me”

“Recently it was in a more public venue.”

Sugasm Editor

Editor’s Choice
A Race to the Finish

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Join the Sugasm

Friday, October 2, 2009

Review: Feeldoe

Today we're going to talk about my experiences with the Feeldoe a "strapless strap on" dildo. There are a lot of reasons I picked the feeldoe.
1. It's silicone (though it is available in acrylic as well). I've discussed the benefits of silicone before, but just to recap, here is why it's fantastic. They don't have phthalates (Although people say you can be exposed to them for a small amount of time everyday, I don't want to take the chance. Your vagina is more absorbent then your mouth, and they're banned from things that go in your mouth. That's enough evidence for me.) It doesn't degrade the way other materials can. It has give, but not enough to flop out during sex.
2. It had a removable vibe. I hate vibration, my girlfriend at the time loved it, this would allow us to try it but not have to commit to always having it.
3. It's from a for woman by woman company, which is something I always love to support
4. I had read dozens of reviews of women RAVING about this thing. It was the best inovation since the vibrator was invented, it was amazing, it was the favorite toy ever. I thought if so many people liked it, it had to be good.
5. I go though stages in my life when I'm more genderqueer then normal. I dress in clothes I got from the men's department, including boxer briefs, I wear multiple sports bras in an attempt to flatten my boobs, and I generally try to bend the lines between masculine and feminine. I've always wanted a penis. I don't know if that makes me trans, since I know, as technology stands at the moment, I can't have one, and I've made no attempts to be male without it. The idea of a strap on cock that felt, like the reviews claimed, as close as possible to actually having one sounded amazing.

I discussed it with my girlfriend at the time, B, and she agreed it seemed like a good idea. Her only concern was that it was pricey. I paid about 120 plus tax for mine about a year ago. I agreed it was an investment, but with all the good reviews I'd read I was willing to put down the money for it.

There are multiple sizes available, color coded for your convenience. We bought it, took it home, excited and were cutting open the package the second we were in the house. We had picked the "slim" variety, which, like it sounds, was the same length as the original, but a little thinner. There was also a "stout" model and a "more" model available. I looked at the bulb that kept it in place a little leery. It looked big for me, but I shrugged it off and we made the purchase.

We brought it home excited to try it. We ripped open the packaging, washed it, and started getting naked. We played around for a while, getting ourselves turned on and decided we were ready to try it. I pushed the bulb inside me, wincing in pain. I was very wet (I've always been the kind of girl who leaves a puddle, so there was plenty there) and turned on, but my body still wasn't ready for the width of the bulb. I decided I wanted to keep going, got in position, put B on her hands and knees and pushed the head of the cock end into her ass.... and right out of me. We tried three or four different positions, but every time I thrusted forward, the bulb slid out of my vag. I had read that the feeldoe could be used with or without a harness, so I got out my beloved strap on put the feeldoe in, and tried again, but with the harness, the cock end was at such and extreme angle, we couldn't figure out a feasible position to use. We gave up, disappointed and each with our own set of big old girly blue balls.

There are several reasons this could have happened. I could have weak PC muscles, but as established earlier I've been Kegeling since I was 10 or so and can shoot a dildo several feet during a good orgasm, so I don't think that's the problem.

It could be because we were putting it in B's bum. I'll go on record as saying B had a tight ass, but it wasn't impossibly tight, and many of the reviews I'd read were of women who were using it in the context of a heterosexual couple, so this shouldn't have affected our performance either.

I mentioned before I have a very wet pussy. It's possible I'm just too wet to keep the bulb inside me, but silicone is notorious for drying people out, so I don't think that's it either.

Honestly, I think I was just too tight for the toy. My average dildo that I use for everyday masturbation is half the size of the bulb on the feeldoe. I just wasn't used to having to hold something that big inside me. After the disastrous results we had, I went back to the various websites I had seen the reviews on again. I found that about one in ten people had the same problem I did. I wasn't alone, but I certainly wasn't in the majority.

In all, I was horribly disappointed in the feeldoe. For me, it ended up being a big waste of money. It sits in my drawer collecting dust and annoying me every time I look at it and remember how excited I was when I got it. Apparently, for other people, this is the best sex toy they've ever had. And while I still love this toy on paper, in practicality, for me, it was horrible. I give it 0 stars out of five.

As always kiddies, this is cleofaye telling you, when in doubt, just ask, and when you're unsatisfied, give direction!