Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Strapping it on Part :1 picking a strap on

Strap on sex is one of the hottest things I've ever done. There is something about the ability to fuck someone else that is completely appealing to me. I'm a little excited that it's going to be our topic of conversation for the next couple nights. First, to clarify, we're talking about girl on girl strap on sex here. We will talk about strap on sex with boys (pegging) but that's fodder for another entry.

The first step of strap on sex is, well... buying a strap on. There are a lot of things to consider.
1. Harness-
-Harness or harnessless- First you need to decide if you want to buy a dildo and a harness or one of those fancy double headed no harness dildos. (I have a review of the feeldoe, a really well known harness-less strap on coming later this week, but we'll just leave it at I'm not a fan for the moment.)
-Material- Second you need to decide on the material for your harness. The two main choices out there are leather and nylon. I'm a vegetarian, but honestly, my harness is leather and I wouldn't have it any other way. Leather ages really well, is smooth against your skin, and really, it's just hot to wear leather in bed. The only major downfall is that leather tends to grow a bit when it's warm and moist (like a pair of tight jeans that are falling off by the end of the day), but a good tug on the buckle every once in a while, and you're good to go. Nylon, from what I've been told, doesn't grow and is pretty cheap, but every one I've seen just looks cheaply made and makes me think of my seatbelt chaffing my boobs during long car rides, really, it's just not for me.
- Style- You also need to consider the style of harness you want to buy. There are two main styles out there. One with a T strap construction that attaches to the waist of the harness in the middle at both sides, coming down between your legs and back up. The other has more of a V style with two loops on the side to put your legs through. With the T strap, you can attach a small plug or vibe to it to stimulate yourself during your session. However, with all that movement, this style can chaff and ride up your ass. I prefer the V style because it leaves easy access to your vag, and I find it more comfortable.
- Quality - Also, just keep an eye out for quality. You're an adult, you know what to look for. If it looks cheap, it probably is. Some things to look for: Two fasteners on the waistband, one a buckle, one a snap (This allows you to adjust the waist to your size, then snap it on and off without having to readjust every time.) and rivet fasteners. (These things can take a beating, so make sure to tug all the joints of the harness to make sure it won't come apart at an inopportune time.)

2. Dildo - Ok, so you've found the perfect harness, now you just need to find the right cock to fill it. Again, there are a bunch of things to think about. But before all that, I'm just reminding you that you need a flared base, but you knew that already right?
- Size- Ok, so don't just think about yourself on this one. I had a girl I dated for a while who's only strap on dildo was the size of a coke can around. There was no way in hell I was letting that thing anywhere near my chuff. Yes it's fun carrying around a big dick, but if you plan on fucking someone with it, you're going to need something they can accommodate. Ask your clerk if you're unsure, but generally go for something in the middle of the shelf's display and you'll be fine. This is also something you can bring your partner to buy with you if you're planning on using it on one person exclusively.
- Shape - There is everything out there from realistic, they look like they molded it from my ex type dildos to ones that are shaped for g spot stimulation to really basic phallic shapes. Realistic ones creep me the fuck out to be honest with you, but that's a decision everyone can make for themselves. Keep in mind that things like veins or a head at shape and texture to a basic toy, which can be more fun for those on the receiving end.
- Material - There are five basic options you have for this, but honestly, I only really like one. Again this is a personal decision, but I'll give you the rundown and tell you why I opted out of everything else. Glass- too rigid, you could really hurt someone if you thrust wrong or pop out. Latex- I'm allergic. Cyberskin- a latex/silicone mix it starts breaking down after about a year and gets dirty really quickly. Jelly toys- One word: phthalates So I settled on silicone. It's durable, it's got give but not too much, it's sanitizable, and a lot of silicone toys have a lifetime guarantee.
- Vibe- Finally we have vibration. I've mentioned before that vibration really isn't my thing, but a lot of people really like it. There are two main ways you can do this with strap on sex. A lot of dildos come with a bullet vibrator inserted in the bottom. You can turn it on, strap it in, and you're good to go. A lot of strap on harnesses also have a pouch in the front for a bullet to be tucked in. Both of these techniques works well. The advantage being that you can turn it on or of or replace it with your own bullet, all depending on your mood.

So that's it. It's a lot to think about, and there are tons of different combos out there. A strap on isn't a lifetime commitment, and you can get multiple dildos or harnesses or both to fit your needs, and swap them out as you see fit. There's a world of possibilities out there, go out and find one that works for you. This is cleofaye, signing off with when in doubt, just ask, and when you're unsatisfied, give direction

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Trans girl sex: I'm a clumsy asshole

(As per my last post, I consulted B before posting it, and she told me to "have a ball", so here's my infamous, how I broke a penis story)

So I didn't intend for it to be insane anecdote that only happens to cleofaye week, but I've been planning this entry for weeks, and that whole riding crop phone number thing was just way too good not to blog about. Right now, we're going to have a quick discussion of pre op or non op trans girls. I've had two trans girlfriends. One had surgery while we were dating, the other had it not long after we broke up, so I experienced sex with both girls while they still had a penis.

The decision to have Sexual Reassignment Surgery (SRS) is personal and something I would never venture to ever have an opinion on, having never been had it. I will say that the first time I saw my girlfriend K naked was a little jarring. It was just completely unexpected (in a back of the mind kind of way, since I knew beforehand what was going to be there) to have this girl, who was waaay more feminine then me, with long blond hair and adorable little boobs with a penis. (To make matters a little more confusing, it was also the first uncut one I had ever seen. I was completely out of my element.)

Once I got over the initial disconnect, K and I had pretty regular, good sex. We eventually parted ways, and I started dating B, who was also pre operative at the time. Only when I was with B did I realize how different things could with trans girls. Here are some things you should know about sex with pre op trans girls:

1. If they are new, a trans girl's boobs will be extra sensitive. Both the girls I dated were relatively early in the transition process (at the most 2 years), so their boobs were still growing. This meant their nipples were very very sensitive. This is both good (yay fabulous reactions when you play with them) and bad (it's much easier to hurt them). As always, take the cue from the girl your with, but be extra careful.

2. Depending on their hormone levels, they may or may not be able to get hard. K wasn't on enough testosterone blockers during her transition. This actually resulted in a lot of complications for her surgery, but the testosterone in her system allowed her to maintain an erection like any man I had been with. B, on the other hand, had a lot less testosterone in her system. This meant that sometimes she could get hard, sometimes she couldn't. It was a non issue, since could still get pleasure either way, and was amazing in bed. We had most of our best sex without ever using her penis.

3. This is totally my personal theory, but I think that trans girls habitually have huge pre op penises. Every trans girl I've talked to about it or had sex with has been well above average. I don't know what the link is, but I'm just putting it out there that I think it's pretty common for these girls to have very large penises pre operatively.

When B did get hard, it was a little different then the boys I have been with. She usually wouldn't get fully erect, and if she did, the shaft would be hard, but it wasn't as rigid in relation to her body. (I'm trying to come up with a polite or better sounding way to say it was floppy against her body, but I'm not coming up with anything.) We could never manage butt sex, and everything generally worked best in missionary.

This is where we get to the cringe worthy part of my story. B and I were fooling around like we always did. She got really hard that day, and we were both a little shocked. We decided to try me on top, since we usually couldn't and we saw this as a rare opportunity. It was fantastic, for about 2 minutes. I was riding my ass off when, as it will happen sometimes, she popped out. But I, in the throws of things, didn't think, since when this had happened with guys I was with, if I just stayed in the same place and came down, they'd go back in and things would continue. Unfortunately, that wasn't what happened. We miss aligned, and I came down on her, hard.

I remember it hurting, and her scream. I rolled off of her, and within minutes we were both crying. Her from the pain and me from the shock of it all. We ended up having to go to the hospital. If she weren't having surgery to have it removed, she would have required surgery to fix her penis. She refused the surgery. I have to say that the staff of the hospital was amazing, considering the situation, but the experience was still horrible. Eight hours later they gave her some pain killers and sent her home, with strict instructions not to go anywhere near her penis for at least 6 weeks. At this point, we'd only been dating for about that amount of time.

For two months, it was torturous. If she got turned on at all, it would hurt, and I would feel guilty. We couldn't kiss beyond pecking, couldn't fool around, hell sometimes I would look at her the wrong (or in other circumstances the right?) way and she'd be in pain. We made it through our two months, and slowly started fooling around again. She never really got as hard again, which was an expected side affect and what they had wanted to perform surgery to fix. We still both came and enjoyed each other a whole lot before we broke up. She had her SRS surgery not long after, and it was unaffected, the only thing either of us really cared about. We can both look back on it and laugh, and honestly, it's one hell of a party story. But I'll put it out there as a cautionary tale.

So that's my story tonight kiddies. Totally explains why I refused to ride anyone for almost a year after that doesn't it? As always, this is cleofaye signing off by saying when in doubt, just ask, and when you're unsatisfied, give direction!

Moral delimma

So I had a post all ready for tonight, but I'm having second thoughts about posting it. I need to talk to the other person involved, I think before I put it out there. I'm sorry for the delay, I just don't want to hurt anyone in my attempt to educate the masses. Love you kiddies, and I will be posting the entry as soon as I converse with the ex it involves, and if it's not before then, I will have a how to on strap on sex tues. or wed.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Does this shit happen to other people?


So I'm just popping in for a quick story, I will be posting a longer normal post either today or tomorrow, but I came home from work today and had an experience I had to share. I've been having problems with my roof leaking pretty much since I moved in. They come, they fix it, it works for a while, then a month later it's dripping again. I've gotten used to people in my room. I always come home and the crap that's fallen from the ceiling that I've been too lazy to bother with (since every time I clean it up more falls the next day) has been swept up and teh broom is propped on my doorway, and I know they've been around.

Today was no different. I saw the broom and figured they were around. They had also moved a bunch of my stuff out of the way and cleared under the stairs, where it leaks worst. Then a bit of red caught my eye. The ends of the rope that I keep tied to my bed frame (easy access for tying up my favorite sub) were piled at the head and foot of my bed. Weird. Then I looked up and saw what you see pictured. My riding crop, which I'm sure was on my floor somewhere was carefully placed across my bedside table. There were also condoms (which my ex bought even though I told her that I can't use latex, and I've been trying to give away ever since, so don't take this as an endorsement of any kind)lube and a low temp candle on the night stand. I'm pretty sure they were all there already. My "goodie drawer" was also half way open, so lord knows the dildos, strap on harnesses, and anal sex manuals that he saw. Then I stepped closer and noticed that neatly placed under my riding crop was a small slip of paper with a name and phone number. I swear to god this shit only happens to me.

P.S. Sorry for the crap photo quality, I had to take it with my phone. Also, my dresser isn't as dirty as it looks, its the grain of the wood coming through my crap spray paint job.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Vaginal Sex part 2: Missionary and Girl on Top

So we've talked about vaginal sex and what it means and what consequences it can have a length, so it's time to talk about the fun part. Sex can be one of the most fun things to do in bed. There's tons of variety and a range of attitudes to explore. Sex can be dirty (in a good way), kinky, and rough, or it can be slow, sensual and incredibly intimate.

I will admit, I held off a really long time before I had vaginal sex for the first time. I had butt sex first, and had it for almost 7 months before I agreed to vaginal sex. The first time we did it (on valentine's day, there was music and I believe candles.... yeah, I know, I just threw up in my mouth a little too) I remember thinking... "That's it?" Butt sex involves a lot more sensation. This just felt almost numb in comparison. (This makes sense when you think about it, the vagina has to pass a CHILD. A CHILD! if it could feel things going in or coming out of it the way your ass can, women would die at childbirth). After some position changing and me playing with my clit, we found a rhythm that worked for both of us, but it definitely took a while.

Most women (the stats range from 70% to 90% on this) can't orgasm from penetration alone. Most men (I have no stats for this, sorry) don't actively try to change that. That means that most women don't come in what is, for most couples, the go to form of sexual expression. I don't know about you, but I think that's just wrong. There is no reason that clit stimulation can't play an integral role in vaginal sex, it's just that someone has to take the initiative to make it that way. Women often feel too self conscious, and men either can't multitask, or aren't good at light pressure when they're actually fucking and end up not helping or possibly hurting the poor girl.

As a bit of general advice (because you know I'll be in my do's and don't soon) there are two things that are always important to keep in mind. 1. Girls, play with your fucking clit already! You're probably not going to get off if you don't, and don't wait for him to do it or to tell you to do it. Take control of your own pleasure, and just do it. 2. Positioning is important. In the right position, you can hit the g spot, or go deeper, or go shallower, you can custom make a penis if you know how to use positioning to accommodate for any size.

There are a lot of things you should consider when deciding on what position to have sex in. Though honestly, most of the time, you just fall into something that seems natural and it usually works. However, you never really think of the things that can make sex not work until you try something that REALLY doesn't work. Some things to consider... both of your general size, penis curvature, strength of both partners, penis size, and depth of the girl's vagina. So for this post, and probably at least one possibly two more, I'm breaking down some positions and giving you dos and don'ts for each.

So here we go
-Missionary - best for.... ugh, I don't know, I pretty much hate regular missionary

I truly think missionary is where the whole lie there and think of england shit came from. The guy lays on top of you (all his body weight) thrusts into you (at a bad angle) and you can't even reach you're clit (just fucking bad). For a long time I had a policy of I do everything but missionary when it came to sex, but A did it before I had a chance to protest. I learned from him that you can make this position a bunch of different things, so keep trying.

- DO MODIFY, MODIFY, MODIFY. Pull your legs up and hook them around his back for a better angle. Try everything.

- DO get bendy. You might want to work on your flexibility for this one. Most of the modifications for this one involve being able to comfortably put your ankles up near your head or at the very least your knees to your chest. Be smart about this, you can injure yourself if you force your body into positions it's not ready for.

- DO leave room for clit play. This is self explanatory... have him be more upright, or put one leg down if you're going that route, but seriously, access to the clit is totally important.

- DO have him sit up. Most guys are curved up to some degree, meaning the more upright he is, the more likely you are to be hitting the g spot.

- DO use your kegels. This pretty much applies to every position, but always remember that clenching those muscles will make orgasm easier for both of you.

- DON'T be a "dead fish." One of my ex's used to use that phrase for girls who would just lay there. I think this position doesn't always lend itself to lots of movement on the girls part, but change that! Move around, lift your hips up and fuck him back, make your appreciation vocal! Just have fun, and make sure that he knows you are.

- Woman on Top - best for- girls in control, thinner guys

So Girl on Top is a classic, fun position. There's a lot a variation, and it allows the girl to fulfill her own needs first before letting the guy cum. However, gravity is indeed working against you in this position, so you have to be careful. (Yes, I have in fact broken a penis. Yes, I will write about it, but not until later this week, it deserves and entry all it's own.) This position is good for first times, and anyone who is nervous about penis size or pain, since it allows for the woman to control the speed and depth of penetration.

- DO consider the size of your boy. I'm not talking about penis size, but just general stature here. P was huge, he was just a big guy, and being on top was much harder with him because if I straddled him, I had no room to maneuver. The only way I could bounce up and down was on my feet, which frankly takes a whole lot of quad strength, is exhausting, and is not the best for my bad knee. However, A is average build and I can easily ride him with no such problems.

- DON'T think just up and down. One of the best parts of girl on top sex is the ability to grid on a guy. Moving in a horizontal motion allows the girl to push his penis into her g spot.... or any other place she decides feels good. Yes up and down is good, but have some fun trying just horizontal motion first.

- DO torture with your kegels. You've been working you kegels haven't you? Well this is the time to use them. Squeeze and release, play with the sensation, see how he reacts, repeat as needed.

- DO put on a show! Yes, with woman on top puts you on display a bit. This is a good thing! Use it. Touch yourself, play with your hair, your tits, grab his chest and use it to balance as you ride him. He's having the time of his life with you riding him, make sure you have fun doing it too, and embrace your hotness. There is nothing sexier then a woman who knows she's sexy and is enjoying herself.

- DON'T do all the work... if you don't want to that is. To change things up, you can always raise your hips a little and let him thrust into you from below. It can be a fun loss of control and gives you a little break/ability to let go and focus on your own orgasms.

- DO change it up. This is another position that can change a lot in atmosphere. It can be slow and sensual and totally intimate, with your bodies pressed together and you making out the whole time as easily as it can be rough and purely sexual with the girl completely upright and going to town. Try all of them, see what works for you and what you like.

So kiddies, I don't know why, but writing this entry has been totally taxing, taking me three days and more procrastinating then I want to admit. But there will be more where this came from and I should be posting again in a few days with the infamous broken penis story. Until then kids, this is cleofaye saying when in doubt, just ask, and when you're unsatisfied, give direction!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Work it girl! Kegels and you

So it's time to talk about a girl's best friend, the Kegel muscles. The pubococcygeus (PC) muscles' benefits were discovered by Dr. Arnold Kegel. However, most doctors don't talk about them except in cases of childbirth and urinary incontinence. This, honestly, is a travesty. Regular exercise of the Kegel muscle can lead to stronger, easier to achieve orgasms.

The PC muscles control the pelvic floor. When a girl has an orgasm, the muscles naturally contract, squeezing anything inside the vagina (A fun fact is that the vaginal walls contract a rate of once every .8 seconds, the same rate of male ejaculate, in an attempt to facilitate fertilization.(sadly enough I remembered that from my senior thesis paper from college 3 and a half years ago, but I can't remember where I put my purse half the time, figures)) This means that voluntary control of these muscles can add fun new sensations for heterosexual sex. It also means that contracting these muscles can heighten the sensation inside the vagina and facilitate orgasm.

When I was growing up, I was a latch key kid, so I was home for a few hours alone, or with my older brother, everyday until my parents came home. At their bedside, my parents had an encyclopedia of sex, which I decided, at the tender age of eleven, to read cover to cover (Though honestly, it may have been because I had read everything else in the house, they couldn't keep me in books at that age). The book was aimed at married couples with kids, and stressed the importance of exercising the Kegel muscles. I was horrified. I had gone eleven whole years without Kegeling once! I had so much time to make up for! That day, I found my PC muscles and started flexing them before bed. I did this everyday, sometimes multiple times a day, because I didn't want to have weak orgasms or leak pee (somehow I hadn't quite picked up that those things only tend to happen after childbirth.) Move on 9 years, as I was with my first boyfriend.... When he went to finger me for the first time, he could only get his pinky in I was so tight, and apparently I squeezed it so hard when I came it went numb. I've eased up on them a bit, and have had a decent amount of sex to loosen things up, but I still Kegel everyday, and every guy I've ever been with has been shocked at how tight I can squeeze. I would encourage everyone to get to work on those PC muscles today!

- First, to exercise the muscles, you need to know how to find them. The classic way women are told to find their Kegel muscles is to go to the bathroom. While you are peeing, stop the flow. The muscles you use to do that, those are your Kegel muscles. Once you've found them, you should be able to contract them (without a full bladder, if you exercise them with a full bladder it can actually weaken them) and feel them pull in towards your mid back.

- Once you've isolated these muscles, you should start exercising them daily. You can either contract and hold for 3 seconds, and release, repeating ten times. Work up the amount of time you hold for, until you get to ten seconds. Repeat this three times a day. You can also contract and release quickly, counting up to 10 or 20. Do these sets 3 times a day, or more.

- Now, once you get good at this, you can do it anywhere, standing in line, sitting in traffic, what have you. I can't tell you how many boring lectures in college I got through by doing sets of 50 (I have rock hard PC muscles... now if only the rest of my body where that toned)

- Once you get your PC muscles nice and toned, you can use them during sex to play with your partner. During heterosexual sex pulsing them will squeeze the guys cock, and you can use that to your advantage. It can heighten sensation during missionary or doggy style sex, but if you really like to torture your partner, use it while you are on top. Sit on his cock, don't move, and pulse, it will torture him a little, but in that good way I swear.

So that's all for today kiddies. Start flexing those PC muscles, it's a quick easy thing you can do that can really enhance your sex life. So, as always, this is cleofaye saying, when in doubt, just ask, and when you're unsatisfied, give direction!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Vaginal sex part 1: PSA: be prepared

Ok, here it is, The first of what is going to be at least 2 possibly more entries on plain old vaginal sex. Honestly, I've been dreading this entry for weeks. I couldn't figure out why until tonight. Everyone talks about vag sex. It's the default that everyone thinks of when someone says the word "sex." It's the end all and be all of every hetero-normative, male orgasm centric, completely crap health class I've ever had to sit through. One of my reasons for this blog even existing is to take the emphasis off of it and onto all the other fun things people can do together naked. I sort of hate what vaginal sex is for all of those reasons.

However, as much as I hate it, I LOVE sex. (and yes, even after that little rant, I'm going to just call it sex, since 1, I know everyone knows what I'm talking about and 2, I fucking hate the word vaginal) It is important, and honestly, if you're in a heterosexual relationship, and you've started having sex, you'll probably do it during almost all of your sexual encounters. There is a whole lot to say about it, and it is deserving of plenty of discussion and explanation.

Before we get started on the dos and don'ts, ins and outs of sex, there are a lot of things to discuss first. Sex is a big step. It changes everything. I'm not going to lecture you about "responsible decisions" and all that, you've had enough of that from everyone else. I'm not talking about relationships (though, depending on who you are, sex does change everything in a relationship for most people) I'm talking about everything else. I've talked before about calculated risk, the understanding that by not having completely safe sex you're putting yourself at risk. Sex takes you to a whole other level of risk.

First, if you're having heterosexual sex, and you're both fertile, this is the only sexual activity that leads to a whole lot of pregnancy risk. There are plenty of methods out there for protection. You know what they are. Personally, I hate condoms, so I tend to fluid bond to my boys quickly so I can use hormonal birth control. This doesn't work for everyone, but it's an arrangement that I find easiest.

I'm going to share two stories with you. But before I do, I need to explain that I'm not an emotional person. I rarely cry or get upset over things, so these two instances were very significant in my life. I'm not sharing them to be emo and angst-y. I'm just showing you what kind of an impact the consequences of sex can have.

I'm one of those girls who never does anything wrong, ever, not because I'm a goodie two shoes, but because I always get caught. I cut class once (yes ONCE!) in all of high school, and ended up in a two hour detention for a 30 minute class. I smoked pot once (again, yes, ONCE) in 23 years, and I had to take a drug test less then a week later.(which I did pass, though the week leading up to it put me off green tea forever) I just can never get away with anything.

But right after B and I broke up, I decided that it was my turn to have a little fun. I put a post on craigslist, looking for people who wanted to meet up and have sex. (Yes I know this can be dangerous, but I had my own screenings in place and I've lived to tell the tale, so we're going to move on) In a day I had well over 50 responses in my inbox. I sorted through, emailed some people, and found a few promising candidates. I arranged meet up times (yes in public places) within two weeks. I had sex with both men. One I never saw again, one I had sex with routinely for a few months and I now consider a friend.

However, I found a bump on my labia not that long after. I thought it was a clogged pore, so I poked at it with some tweezers for a while, nothing happened, so I left it and went to bed. I woke up the next morning and it was inflamed and red. It rubbed painfully on my underwear when I walked, and it hurt to sit. I was terrified. I'd had two sex partners in two weeks, new infections usually(not always) present symptoms within 2 weeks of exposure, and while I'd used protection with both partners, it's never completely fullproof. I called my OB/GYN and they amazingly told me to come right then and they would fit me in that morning. She took one look, and told me to calm down, I had (this is going to be completely phonetic) faliculitous, basically, and inflamed hair follicle. Just to be sure a got a complete screening. Everything was fine, but I deleted every potential new partner email in my inbox because I was too scared of the possibility of catching an STI.

I'm a hardcore feminist. I'm solidly pro choice. I'm also distinctly not ready to have a child. I always told myself, and anyone who talked about the subject that I would get an abortion if I realized that I was pregnant. It made the most sense. It was the "easiest" solution. It seemed like a given to me. Then, I had my pregnancy scare. Sure, I'd had months where I was a day or so later then I expected (and the complete terror when I first went on the pill and no one told me it takes a few days of sugar pills to get your period), but my periods were always really light, so not getting it until the last couple sugar pills was par for the course for me, and when it was time to start a new pack of pills, it had always come. A few months ago, right after my most recent ex, A, said he "couldn't be in a relationship right now, but I'm not dumping you", I realized that I was on my last couple days of sugar pills and not bleeding. I wasn't too worried, but days kept passing, and nothing was happening.

By the time I got up the nerve to buy a pregnancy test, I was three days into my active pills, so about 10 days late. My roommate had gone home, and A was no where to be found. He didn't know, I couldn't tell him because I was scared he'd think it was a ploy to get him back. My hands shook as I peed on a little white stick that would tell me how the rest of my life played out. And I waited. For the longest, loneliest, three minutes of my life, I waited. Suddenly I wasn't sure of anything. I couldn't have a kid, I wasn't ready. Would I be able to abort it? Should A know? Should he have a say? He's adopted, would he want me to have it and put it up for adoption? What would my family say? What would my coworkers think? I wrapped my hands around my stomach and I cried. (and let me tell you, dear readers, I never fucking cry)Suddenly everything that I'd always had decided, was completely uncertain. It turns out, the test was negative. Two weeks later (over three weeks late) I got my period and bled though a week of active and a week of inactive birth control pills. But I haven't had heterosexual sex, protected or not, since then. Honestly, I'm still in the process of rethinking my level of "calculated risk"

So yes, sex, does, in fact, change everything. The possibly of pregnancy or catching an STI is real. You can do things to minimize that risk, but nothing is 100% certain. If you want to take the plunge and have sex with your partner, consider the consequences so they don't sneak up on you. Keep track of your period, so you know when it should come. Pay attention. If you have a new bump or rash or discharge, don't ignore it. Even if it is nothing, you'd rather know then not.

I realize this post may have come off a little preachy. That's not my intent. I've obviously had plenty of sex with plenty of people, and I'm not saying that anyone shouldn't be having sex. I just know that for a long time I just thought if I were "safe" none of these things could happen to me. Yes, mine were just scares, and I thank whatever deity I decide I believe in that day for it everyday, but the idea that it could in fact happen to me wasn't something I was prepared for, even after almost 5 years of pretty constant sex. I'm just hoping to give you kiddies a better understanding then I had.

So that's it for today. This is cleofaye telling you to just pay attention to your body, be thoughtful in your decisions, and as always, when in doubt, just ask, and when you're unsatisfied, give direction!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Psychosexual: Fetishes

In my never ending attempts to keep this blog, relevant, interesting, and fun to write, I'm introducing a new category into my Thurs/Fri wild card spot, psychosexual. It's going to be a discussion on psychology and sexuality, how they affect each other, and how they are used or misused.

I don't talk about myself too much on this blog (you know, outside of my sexual proclivities), but I'm currently looking at grad school for a masters in psychology. I want to become a sex therapist, so sex and psych is a subject close to my heart. I'm going to try to shed some light on different issues in the psych world that overlaps with sexuality and hopefully stimulate some discussion. So here we go kiddies.... psychosexual.

First, to give you a basic background psych knowledge, the American Psychological Association (APA) publishes a big ol' book of diagnoses every so often called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders or the DSM. Every once in a while, they realize that times have changed and things need to be reevaluated, and they either issue a new addition or a revision. Currently the APA uses the DSM IV-R (Fourth edition, text revision), and the DSM V is currently being reviewed and debated by more committees then you can possibly imagine. This book is basically the psych bible. It contains the criteria for every diagnosable mental disorder currently recognized by the APA. Every psychologist in the country owns a copy, it's a cheat sheet with all the behaviors, thought patterns, and time tables that make up current psychological diagnosis practices. The DSM-IV R's definitions and criteria are going to be a critical part of these entries.

Now that the basics are out of the way.... on to this entry's focus, fetishes. The word fetish is probably one of the most misused words in the english language. It is thrown around often and without real thought as to the actual definition of the word fetish. Anytime someone has a preference in bed, they like to say they have a "fetish." It's used on tv, thrown around in polite society, it's basically become an accepted part of our pop culture lexicon.

Now lets take a quick look at what the DSM IVR has to say about fetishism. First, fetishism is a subset of a larger grouping of disorders called "paraphilias," which are characterized by "sexual fantasies, urges, or behaviors involving non-human objects, suffering or humiliation, children, or other non-consenting person." This is a large category of disorders that includes thing like pedophilia and voyeurism.

Fetishism is defined by three criteria:
1. Over a period of at least 6 months, recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving the use of nonliving objects.

2. The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

3.The fetish objects are not limited to articles of female clothing used in cross-dressing (as in Transvestic Fetishism) or devices designed for the purpose of tactile genital stimulation.

So... what does all that mean? It means that for someone to actually have a fetish it has to be a sustained desire for at least 6 months, it can't be on a sexual object (so no, you can't actually have a sex toy fetish), it has to be a inanimate object (so no, you can't have a rugby player fetish either.... mmm... rugby players.. oh.. sorry, moving on) and, most importantly, it has to interfere with your life. Let me repeat that. IT HAS TO INTERFERE WITH YOUR LIFE, meaning, it has to be a problem to be a fetish. This "interference" can be a range of things. It is most commonly an inability to sexually perform or get aroused without the fetish object. It can also be an inability to separate the object from it's sexual appeal (i.e. being turned on every time you see a pair of high heels, not really useful in a corporate environment.)So all of you little "fetishists" out there, you don't really have a fetish do you? No, you don't because you can control yourself and you can have vanilla sex and still have a good time can't you? That's what I thought.

This overuse and misuse of the word fetish is just another way that society has been sending us subtle messages that kinky sex is dirty, wrong, or something to be fixed. Fetishes are something that should be fixed. They are, by definition, a problem. Anyone who finds themselves unable to have regular relationships or finds their particular sexual proclivities inhibiting their ability to interact with people or do their job, should seek the help of a reputable therapist. Kinks, however, are a part of life. They make sex fun and exciting. It's more then fine if you like to lick someone's high heels or you want someone to wear stockings during sex, it's all part of the fun. It's not dirty, it's not wrong, and it's not something to fixed.

So just think about the connotation the word has next time you want to say the word fetish. Is it really a fetish? If it is, then by all means, thrown the word fetish into the conversation liberally. But if not, don't use it, don't label someone, or yourself as sexually dysfunctional if they, or you, are not.

So this is cleofaye, saying embrace your kinks, and signing off with when in doubt, just ask, and when you're unsatisfied, give direction!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Links galore

This is a little off my usual routine, but I've been spending the past hour or so, that was supposed to be on writing, horking my guts up for no good reason that I can figure out. I'll be back up and posting my regular snarky sex commentary soon, but I didn't want to leave you guys completely empty handed. I've been collecting the best sex links from around the net.... and here they are.

For the science geeks out there.... watch a couple have sex in MRI imaging.... way grosser then I thought it would be, but interesting.

A break down of who exactly uses vibrators. I was a psych major, so I find this surveys fun to read, takes me back to my college days.

Supernatural kinks... I grew up at the height of Buffy the Vampire Slayer mania, so I'll be the first one to admit a bit of a tendency towards the tall, dark, and undead.

Finally, here's a fun little video about all the things people have gotten lost in their ass, appropriately titled, Not in Your Butt by the fabulous sex educator Ducky Dolittle


So I totally admit this is a lazy post, and I'll be more on the ball later this week, but I'm off to bed and hopefully no more face in the toilet bowl moments for tonight.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Sugasm #173

So guys, I didn't win the blogger vote for this week's sugasm, but I'm posting the links to the winners as promised.

This Week’s Picks
A Hot Fuck in a Parking Lot
“We got more daring and soon clothes were a hindrance to our insistent hands.”

I Think I’d Rather Misbehave
“I bet the secret thrill of this has your cock already climbing to attention.”

The Painter
“He says something, small talk, and I stutter something back, lost in the blue depths of his eyes.”

Sugasm Editor
Strildo?

Editor’s Choice
Yet Another Reason You Should Buy a Vibrator


More Sugasm


Join the Sugasm

Here are the links to my favorites (I also voted for the editor's choice)

Perfect body for three minute porn

In search of.... my clitoris

So, I don't know if I'm going to keep going with this contest or not. There's a lot of erotica in the mix, and that's not really my thing. As of right now, I'm thinking no, but if anyone wants to put in their two cents, I would appreciate it.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Admin type updates

Just a quick warning to everyone. I've been trying to get the word out on the blog a bit, and I've joined a sex blog group called "Sugasm" that takes everyone's best posts for the week, rates them, picks 3 winners then sends out the links for all the blogs involved. I thought I would give it a shot and submitted the Anal play entry. To be involved I'm required to post the results with all the blog links. I'll label it clearly so you'll know what it is if you want to ignore it, but I didn't want to do it without letting everyone know. If I don't think there are quality links or don't think the kind of entries are what I want on my blog, I won't be submitting again. It should be going up this weekend, so if you guys could let me know if you like it or if you think I should keep submitting I would appreciate it, since I don't want to do it if no one finds it useful.

Love and kisses kiddies!

Cleofaye

Friday, September 4, 2009

Sex Review: Bullet Vibrator

I have a confession to make up front. I am not a fan of vibration. I think I'm the only woman I know who would me more then happy without a vibrator ever coming near my pussy, ever. However, I know that I am the extreme exception, and not the rule. Most women love vibration and prefer it to any other kind of sensation when masturbating. With that said, I've enjoyed playing with vibration with other partners and had good results.

Today I'm going to talk about bullet vibrators, specifically, I'm reviewing the Sharp Shooter Vibrating Bullet. One of my ex's, A, had been expressing interest in vibration, having seen an old, clunky, I take C batteries type vibrator in my drawer and trying it out. He liked it a lot, but I hated the old thing, and being me, I needed to get the best of something if I was going to do it at all. There are dozens of kinds of vibrators out there. They range in size, shape, speed, and price. There is everything from your basic 5 dollar bullet vibe, to the ones designed by the Berman Center that top out at 60 bucks. As always, you need to pick out what you think will best fit your specific needs. I did that with the sharp shooter, and will explain why shortly, but first, back to the sex....

I couldn't wait to get home and try my new bullet out. Like I said, it wasn't my thing, but I took off A's pants and went to work. I tried it under his balls... good reaction. I tried it at the base of his cock over his balls.... very good reaction. Finally I lubed it a little and slid it up his cock and rubbed the head with it in my hand. He love it. We also tried inserting it in my chuff while he fucked me. It didn't hurt, but it wasn't the most pleasant feeling for me, but again, A thought it was great. All in all, the experience was good for me, I liked how much A was getting off, and I used other means to get myself off in the process.

There a number of reasons that I chose this specific vibrator over the others in the store.

- It is medical grade silicone, it feels nice to the skin, it doesn't get slippery when wet or lubed up. It doesn't require any special clean up, it's non porous, and it doesn't degrade. These are all good things.

- It is water proof. This means it can be used in the shower, it can be inserted, (vaginally only people! Remember never put anything in your ass without a flared base.)and it can be lubed (only water based, not silicone based on silicone toys remember?) up without any trouble

- It has three speeds. It has three speeds you can change through with the touch of a button. The only vibration I can tolerate has to be pretty mild, and the lowest setting was perfect for me. A liked a more intense feeling, so he loved the highest setting. When picking out a vibrator, the buzz you feel in your hand is going to feel much more intense on your clit. The best way to gauge the strength of a vibrator is to hold it to the tip of your nose. If your nose goes numb, it's probably not for you. It seems weird, but it's the closest you can get without dropping trou in the store.

- I also chose a bullet because I intended to use it for partner play. A is queer, so something phallic shaped in the bedroom never freaked him out, but that's not the case with all men. I've been told that the bullet is less intimidating for men just starting out with sex toys, and that they are more willing to try that on themselves then a vibrating dildo.

- It's discreet. Me? I shout my sexuality from the rooftops, but I know that's not the case for most people. This is something that can ad a lot of sensation to your sex play, but is about the size of my thumb (and I've been told I have slightly freakishly small hands). It's easily transportable, small enough to go in a pocket or purse. It packs a pretty big punch for something so small.

- It was 10 bucks. 10 freaking dollars. As my dad would say, you can't beat that with a stick. For all these features it was easily the cheapest thing in my drawer o sex toys. I also think it was the best value. Even broke college students need sex toys.

The only negative I could really find with this vibe was The batteries ran out really quickly for us, but, they're not expensive. It takes 3 LR44 alkaline batteries. I got a ten pack at Passional for 10 dollars. I also had trouble getting the top back on after replacing the batteries, but A got it on without a problem and blamed my lack of hand-eye coordination.

One last parting word about vibrators before I sign out. Don't be scared to experiment a little. Porn always shows the girl spread eagle, lips spread, pushing a vibrator onto her clit, but there's more then one way to do it. Try everything to see what works best for you. Over underwear, from above or below, with legs closed or even crossed, try everything, you may find just the position to make it fantastic.

Overall, not my thing, but a good overall toy to have, and a good value, even with replacing the batteries on the regular. Don't limit it to solo play, and give it a try. I give it 4 stars.

So, that's all for tonight kiddies, as always, this is cleofaye saying, when in doubt, just ask, and when you're unsatisfied, give direction!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Anal play: Rimming

So the obvious progression from fingering someone's ass is licking their ass, however, I'm aware that rimming is not a common practice, at least in the heterosexual community. I've also found that rimming is pretty polarizing. Most people either love the way it feels, or hate it. I will admit that I come down on the hating it side of the fence. I'm always willing to give it another try with another partner, but honestly, I'd rather skip this particular section of foreplay. I have, on the other hand, thoroughly enjoyed rimming someone else.

I take the prospect of licking someone else's asshole very seriously. I had an ex that repeatedly asked me to do it, and the idea completely skeeved me. I finally agreed to do it while in the shower so I could be assured he was clean. (By the by, not a good idea, the curve of his ass + the tilt of my nose= water right up my nostrils. I almost drowned, it was unpleasant to say the least.) I then started dating B, and for some reason looking at her ass, I had a distinct change of heart. I actually had an intense desire to do it, and she hadn't even asked me to. And there started my appreciation for bum licking.

First we'll again touch on the cleanliness issue. No one wants their tongue anywhere near your ass if you seem even remotely unclean. If you're partner is squeamish about it, shower beforehand. Even if they're not, don't run 10 miles on a humid day and expect it to happen. Swamp ass is not appealing. For couples trying it for the first time, especially if either partner is reluctant, I would insist on a shower, it puts the rimmer at ease, but it also comforts the recipient, who may feel self conscious about smell or taste. I've been over basic bum cleanliness and guidelines before here so I'm not going to go over it again. Be smart, if you have a gut feeling it's not a good idea, just don't do it.

I'll mention here, though you know as a policy I don't preach about safe sex on this blog, that if you want to practice safe sex, dental dams are ideal for this. Plastic wrap is also ok, though do not use the microwavable kind. This can also be used if one or more of the partners is reluctant but wants to try anyway. With that little psa aside, lets get back to the point, so here they are, cleofaye's dos and don'ts for rimming.

DO RELAX! This is for the recipient. Relax. If you're too tense, you won't enjoy it. Just lay back, let go, and enjoy yourself.

DO vary your technique. Up and down, side to side, in circles. These are all good things. Press hard, or just lightly flick with your tongue, listen to how they react and go with what they enjoy.

DO spread the cheeks. Use your hands to pull their ass cheeks apart, or just go all out and bury your face in there, but none of this pussy footing around it. You're licking the asshole, that's the point, and it's going to take a little work to get to it. However, be careful. For some reason when my ass cheeks are spread too far apart at the top, the skin right at the crack and break. It's painful. So if you are spreading with your hands, do it from the bottom, not the top.

DO pair it with something they like already. play with their pussy or rub their cock. If you're doing something they already like (or they're doing it while you're going to town) it can ease them into the new sensation

DON'T force it. Once someone is relaxed and enjoying themselves, they my like you to stick your tongue in a little. This is not something you have to do, but a lot of people like it, so it's always worth a try. However, this sensation can be less then pleasant. As someone relaxes their ass relaxes as well and penetration is much easier. If they're not to that point yet, sticking your tongue up there will not work and only be unpleasant.

DON'T assume that rimming is "dirty" sex. Yes rimming can be something you do during the throws of wild, crazy, kinky sex, but it doesn't have to be. It can be just as intimate as any other act. It is all in how you do it. If you stroke your partners body, kiss your way down their back, kiss and lick their ass and during the act, it can be a very loving and sensual experience.

DON'T restrict yourself. When you're licking the asshole, explore a little. Lick down to the taint, or the taint and balls if there is penis involved. Everything is game, use it all to make them feel good.

DO be considerate about clean up. Things will get a little wet sloppy down there. Think about this beforehand. Have a towel, paper towels, or something for the rimmer to wipe their face on when they come up for air. They'll appreciate it, and so will your sheets.

DO consider the kiss. Kissing after a rimming session can be a touchy topic. By allowing someone to rim you, you're telling them your ass is clean enough to put their mouth on. If this is the case, you should have no problem kissing them after wards. If you do have an issue, be warned, they may be (justifiably in my opinion) pissed about it,but be sure you are up front about your expectations or requirements (gum, teeth brushing, what have you) before you start.

So that's my spiel, so this is cleofaye telling you all to go toss some salads and, as always when in doubt, just ask, and when you're unsatisfied, give direction!