Thursday, July 30, 2009

PSA: Partner trust and power play

(After the start of a blog post, which gave me a lot to think about, I decided that as well as all the fun we will have here, with the how to's, the reviews, and the kink 101's, there will be the occasional completely serious and, in my opinion, important posts. I'm going to label these PSA's, so you'll know before hand, and feel free to skip them if that's not what you're here for, but I do think they will be worth your time. So here you go)

I was starting to write a blog about sensation play, which included a discussion of trust, when I realized that the concept of trust with your partner was important enough to garner it's own separate entry. I'm not going to sit here and talk about the joys of monogamy or bash casual sex. I enjoy casual sex, and I'm not too good at monogamy in general, and that's not what I'm talking about.

Sex can be casual and good, it can also be casual and kinky without problems. However, it's a fine line that is drawn, and you need to be smart and safe. Use your common sense. Don't let someone tie you up that you don't trust with your life, same with being blindfolded. Yes, most people are safe and considerate partners who would never intentionally hurt you (outside of what you asked for of course) or take advantage of the situation, but better safe then sorry.

No self respecting dom (I also use the word top, these are interchangeable) should start a scene, no matter how mild, without a safe word in place. You may think this is overkill or unnecessary, but again better safe then sorry. You never know how you are going to react to different situations and forms of stimulation. Something you were interested in and agreed to beforehand may completely freak you out in the moment, and you need a way to communicate that to your partner. There are also stories of people bringing up repressed memories of rape or past abuse during a session, again something that isn't likely, but something that should be kept in mind.

A good top should also ask for some rough guidelines, some dos and don'ts, so they know the boundaries before they even come close to crossing them. I know this can seem to take the spontaneity out of the experience, but again, it's much better then involuntarily stumbling on something that completely freaks your partner out and could potentially change your relationship irreparably. The easiest way to have this conversation and still keep that sense of spontaneity is to have it somewhere completely innocuous. I suggest doing it after agreeing to NOT try it that night. This allows the top to think up all sorts of things they want to try, knowing the boundaries they have to work with and gives the top the power to spring it on the bottom unexpectedly.

Power exchange can be either something you do once a while in bed or a lifestyle. When I met my first boyfriend, P, the idea of being a sub appealed a lot to me. I wasn't ready to be responsible for my own life yet, so having someone tell me what to do was comforting. I let him control me, in bed and out of it. I pretty much gave up who I was to be who he told me to be. I trusted him completely. I trusted him with my pleasure, my pain tolerance, and my virginity, which at the time was still intact.

P and I had been dating for about 7 or 8 months, and were both getting frustrated not having sex. We drove each other crazy dry humping naked, but I was just too scared to go through with it. (I was like the one kid the "you will get the chlamydia and you will die!" lesson plan worked on) We were fooling around, naked, grinding like crazy, driving ourselves crazy and getting intensely turned on. We broke apart, catching our breath, when P expressed his frustration and asked me why we couldn't have sex. I understood. I was terrified of having sex. I'm incredibly unlucky and was sure I would be the girl using every form of protection possible who still managed to get pregnant. At the same time, I grew up Catholic, and there was a large part of me that was scared and guilty about what I was doing, and wasn't ready to cross that line into real, live, premarital sex. All of these fears were hard for me to articulate, and even harder for P to understand, though he tried hard to respect my wishes.

We were discussing, for what seemed like the hundredth time, why we weren't having sex, when did I think I would be ready, and what it would take for me to feel ready. I felt guilty, I was a virgin, waiting wasn't that hard for me, but P had been a bit of a man whore in his younger days, and liked to remind me that his time with me was the longest he had ever gone without sex. In an effort to give him something, I told him he could put our favorite sex toy in my butt. It seemed to cheer him up a bit and he got it out of the drawer. I got on my hand and knees, giving him full access to my ass. He lubed up, put the toy in, and off we went. I buried my face in the pillow, I had a tendency to be loud, and gave myself up to the moment.

I felt him take the toy out, and I didn't really know why. I could sense him jerking off behind me, and I didn't think anything of it, I mean, I was getting off, why shouldn't he. Then I felt him put his dick to my asshole. I know that I said no. I don't know how loud I was, but I know I said it. To this day, I have no idea if he heard me. He pushed the head in, and started thrusting. I started to cry, but he couldn't see my face, and continued to thrust into me. His cock slipped out, and I collapsed on the bed, pulling myself away from him and sobbing.

P took one look at me and started to cry. He told me it's what he thought I wanted. When I asked, he said he didn't know if he had heard me or not. I had to comfort him and tell him everything was ok, when I was dying inside. I had to pull myself together to drive back to school, and go through the motions like nothing had happened and nothing had changed. For about a week I had to field his drunken phone calls and tell him no, he's not a bad person, no, I don't hate him, no, he shouldn't kill himself.

Then, it was like it had never happened. P went back to the way things were before pretty quickly, and got angry when I couldn't do the same. He would demand to know why I didn't want to be tied up, why didn't I want to be dommed, why wasn't I as fun as I used to be. I stayed with him for another year and a half. After I lost my virginity to him, I figured there wasn't anything else he could do to me, so I let him do all those things I'd denied him before. I let him tie me up, call me a bitch and a whore, and play out rape fantasies. I let him smack me, spank me, and hit me with riding crops. I did it not because I wanted to, or because I enjoyed it, but because I resigned myself to it. I felt like I didn't deserve better. I was in it for all the wrong reasons, but I didn't see that until much much later. That is not a what D/s relationships, or BDSM is about, and it's important to know the difference.

Before you let someone, anyone, tie you up, hit you, explore any kind of power dynamics with you, make sure you know why you're doing it, and make sure you're doing it for the right reasons. I'm back in the lifestyle again, though I dom now. I don't think I ever could sub again, because for me, being blindfolded or bound takes me back to that time and headspace, somewhere I need to never be again. I'm not telling this story to scare anyone, or to get sympathy, but because I can't think of any cautionary tale I could tell with as much understanding as my own. Be careful with power exchanges. Make sure the person you're giving power to deserves it, knows how much responsibility it is, and has your safety and sanity at heart.

I've been told this entry ended on a total down note. I need to change that, it's not my intention. I do enjoy S&M, I just can't sub anymore, and that's my own issue. I think there are plenty of people who sub for the right reasons, and love it, but that just wasn't me. I've really gotten a lot of pleasure out of domming. I enjoy planning and plotting, and thinking about all the ways I could play with my sub. I'm happier with myself now, and I think someday in the future I'll find someone I trust enough to give up my control. I look forward to it, but in the meantime, I'm happy with my subs and slaves, and I'll never stop getting a kick out of being called mistress.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Hand jobs

Ok, now we're going to be talking about penises. Not my favorite subject, but one I'm pretty well versed in. However, today, we're talking about handjobs. Like kissing, this isn't really my forte, but I have done it. I don't touch any penis I wouldn't put in my mouth (or various other orifices), so I tend to skip the handjob phase of things, but that's just me. I have had some fun experiences giving them however.

When I got my first boyfriend,P, I was older then most girls. At 20, I'd seen plenty of porn, but had never handled a real live penis. The idea totally freaked me out. I was uncomfortable with my own body, but even more uncomfortable with the idea of seeing his body. He took off his clothes, and he, like most white boys I've been with, was a grower. I will quote Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner. It kind of looked like a "hairy acorn." I was completely thrown, but I got used to it, and the boy became the boyfriend I had for almost three years. From then on, we always referred to his flaccid penis as "travel sized for [his] convenience."

We're going to pause on that kind of ridiculous note to quickly discuss the ridiculous of penis appearance. I've been with a decent number of people with penises (not all of them men, but we'll get to that in a later date, I promise), and the only thing I've really learned about penis is that is completely unpredictable and varied. Flaccid, they are sort of vulnerable and unassuming. They can be a multitude of colors and sizes, with foreskins or without, and yet, you can never tell from that what it's going to look like in it's full glory. I've been shocked by the sheer amount of change. Hard, they can be angled in almost any direction, with balls that hang or pull tight, with foreskins that pull back on their own, or those that need a little help. Remember, don't be scared, take the reigns, and go for it. (Ok, that little aside....ermmm....aside, we now return to our regularly scheduled sex blog)

We laid in P's bed, with him playing with by nipples, and he got hard pretty quickly. I pulled my hand down to his dick, and the first time I touched it, I realized I was completely out of my league. It wasn't at all what I expected. Most of my boyfriend's skin was rough, but his penis felt soft, smooth, almost velvety. It also felt hard, like I expected, but the fact that skin slid around it, was mind blowing. He had a lot of precum, so I had no problem sliding my hand up and down the shaft. I thought I was doing well when he put his hand around mine, closed his fist to tighten my grip, and sped up my stroking considerably. Like I said, I knew nothing.

From there, I swear, I got better, but it was a learning experince for me. And, as we know, this is the part where I lay out what I've learned and what you need to know, in easy to follow do and don't format.

- First, I've said it before, but I can never say this enough, but DO pay attention to body language! If his breath quickens and he actually drops that stupid boy-having-sex silence enough to actually let an "oh yeah" escape, you're on the right track.
- DO watch and learn. I think watching someone else masturbate is probably the most informative and easiest thing you can do to understand you're sex partner better. Pay attention to what they do, hard, soft, fast, slow, two fingers, or whole fist, and it's easier to replicate what they like.
- If you're a girl, DON'T assume boys like things like girls like things. For girls, hard is good, soft is better, there's a finesse and attention to detail needed, this is not the same for boys. Slow is good, fast is better. Soft is good, hard is better. Lots of sensation is the key. Remember, they have like 1/10th of the nerve endings that the clit does, and over a much larger space.
- DO use lube. Amount varies from guy to guy, but use the precum, it's a quick and easy lube that will make sliding over his skin easier. If there isn't enough, a drop or two of lube across your fingers will work wonders. (Just make sure you're using something high quality that doesn't gum up quickly, but again lubes are an extensive subject for another blog entry)
- DO try different positions, and make yourself comfortable, it may be a while. I personally advise having him lay on his back and sitting cross legged between his legs.
- DO use both hands. Switch things up, use each hand separately, one on top of the other to encase the whole penis at once, or intertwined with the penis in the middle. It's all about possibilities.
- DO use a steady rhythm. Once you find a rhythm that does good things, and you want the boy to cum, just stick to that rhythm, and it will usually do the trick. However if you're up for a little more work and fun, vary things every time his breathing gets rough and you can have a fun night of edging in store.
- For the rhythm challenged among us, DO try music. You know who you are, those boys and girls out there whose dancing looks a bit like a spastic monkey, those without rhythm. To keep yourself on a steady pace, listen to music (make out music is a time honored tradition anyway, embrace it) with a steady beat and follow it. I've also found that when I distract myself by thinking about something else, my hand will naturely find a rhythm and stay on it. I gave one of my best handjobs ever while catching up with a friend on the phone.
- DON'T be scared to take a break. Girls don't have those forearm muscles like guys do (where the hell do you think they came from in the first place?), so if you're getting tired, have him show you how it's done for a little while, that way you can enjoy the show, and get a little recovery time
- DON'T forget there will be clean up. Guys, I'll plead on behalf of everyone who loves dick out there.... be prepared for this! I don't care if you cum in your socks when you masturbate; have paper towels, baby wipes, or preferably a routinely washed cum towel (or hell all three and a warm wet washcloth if you feel so inclined) around to wipe your hands on afterward. Your partner will appreciate it.

So, penis is always interesting, and can be fun. If you're nervous, tell the person you're with, and don't be afraid to take baby steps. After my first attempt, I was too embarrassed to try again for a while, so I had my ex jerk off while I kissed him, played with his nipples, and played with myself while I got more comfortable with penis. After a few times of that, I was ready to jump back on the horse, so to speak, and try again, with much better results.

So, this is cleofaye saying, give penis a chance, and a good old tug, and as always, when in doubt, just ask, and when you're unsatisfied, give direction.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Sex review : glass dildo

So.... My first sex toy review, I'm so excited. I figured there was no better way to launch my sex toy reviews then by reviewing the first sex toy I ever purchased, a glass dildo. This was many years ago ( about 2004 or there abouts) when I bought it, and despite my best effort and google skills, I haven't been able to locate the exact model I bought. The closest thing I found was here.

I got my first sex toy in reaction to being a virgin and getting my first boyfriend. I was too scared for penetrative sex, but wanted to explore sexuality more. This lead to a lot of finger fucking (more on this in blog entries to come). I loved the feeling, but my boyfriend had incredibly rough hands, and he would rip my skin most of the time. This would mean I would get back into my car and suffer the bumpy, two hour long drive back up to my college apartment in agony. I would hold of peeing for as long as possible, because the burning sting when my urine hit the torn skin was like someone had taken acid to my vagina. It would slowly heal over the course of the week only to start all over again over the weekend. After the 3rd time in a month, I put my foot down, his fingers were not going near my chuff ever again.

Then came the process of shopping for a sex toy. At the time I was much more shy then I am now, and was still living at my parents house. I couldn't order things over the internet, because I couldn't have them delivered, and if fact didn't want to even bring it into my parents house. I lived in a very conservative, family oriented, jersey shore town, not a sex shop in site. I'd been traumatized enough by my experiences trying to buy porn in the sex stores in atlantic city. I couldn't imagine talking to the skeevy counter guys (because of course they were all men) about what kind of dildo to get without getting lots of comments and looks that would make me want to take a shower.

I wanted to go far enough away that I would have no chance of running to anyone I knew, and I had stopped into passional, which, at the time was named fetish boutique, just out of curiosity the last time I had visited philly and was completely struck (and, honestly, at the time a little freaked) by how friendly and willing to help the staff was. Me and the boy drove up specifically to make the trip there. We went out to dinner while I worked up the nerve to go in.

I walked into the place, trying to make myself as small as possible, embarrassed and terrified. We were the only people in the place, for which I was grateful. My boyfriend pretty much had to drag me through the store to the counter with the insertables. I was interested, but too nervous to ask about anything, instead whispering to him to indicate what I wanted to see. I wanted something basic, not too expensive, and that required very little care.

I settled on a basic glass dildo with a tapered bulb on either end, one smaller then the other. The saleslady patiently explained that they were easy to clean.... just wash with antibacterial soap to clean; boil or put in the top rack of the dishwasher to sanitize. She also explained that they hold temperature well, and you could put it in warm water or in the freezer before play to add a new dimension to the session.

We took it home, excited to try it. I first time he inserted it, it felt so good, I burst into tears. I had never felt anything like it. Having my boyfriend use it on me while I rubbed my clit, brought me to the most intense orgasm I'd ever had. It soon became something we did every time we were together. There were some drawbacks to it however. I like my information in bullet format whenever possible, and I assume everyone's like me .... so here's the pros and cons of glass dildos in fun bullet form.

Pros
- Retains heat and cold... fun to play with
- Bulb design was easy to hold
- Almost indestructible (I've dropped it... a lot, on tile, hardwood flooring, and on my stone counter tops, not a crack or chip to be seen)
- Doesn't degrade like some other materials can (I've had it 5 years and it's still in the same condition as when I got it)
- Glass needs far less lube
- Incredibly easy clean up

Cons
- Doesn't give at all (Be careful when it's someone else using it on you, if you hit something at the wrong angle, it really hurts)
- Takes a while to heat up (pulling it from a cold drawer, it can be jarring, warm it up with your hands first)

All in all, I absolutely love glass dildos! They're easy to use and clean, and require pretty much no special care. You can drop them and they don't break, you can heat or cool them. Mine is my old standby. I use it almost daily, though I do prefer it for solo play more then using it with others. However, if you're partner's not the careless type, go for it!

Rating: 5 stars!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Making out

So.... This is a how to blog after all, so here I am, in all my glory to share what I've learned about making out, which I'm defining as fooling around that involves everything above the waste.

First I'll disclose that I'm am no where near an expert on this part of sex. I'll be much more comfortable as we get to more x rated activities. I never really just made out with people. I've kissed the same number of people I've had sex with. I find kissing to be intimate in what can be an extremely alarming way (yeah, yeah, intimacy issues, I'm aware.... moving on). I never make out with people I'm just having sex with or that I'm not dating. I know that a lot of people see making out as just something fun to do, but for me, it's more serious then sex.

Given that, making out can be a really fun and erotic experience in and of itself. I find this to be doubly true in places where things can't go any further. (I'm not suggesting large amounts of PDA, no one wants to see that, but a quick discreet lick right behind the ear can make the rest of a party all the more interesting.) Kissing and kissing styles are as varied as personalities. Everyone likes something different. Listening to responses and paying close attention to body language is your best friend when you're starting out with someone new. Be sure to pay special attention to and sharp intakes of breath, since indications of pleasure and pain can be vary similar. Some quick dos and don't (or really just some quick dos) for the most basic of skills, kissing...

- DO explore! yes, the neck is always good, but so is a shoulder, fingers, the palm of the hand, the inside of the elbow, the hollow of the clavicle.

- DO be gentle! No one wants to explain hickeys to work the next morning. This is especially true for those of us with very fair skin. If your partner expresses a desire for more intense sucking, do them a favor and put the resulting bruise somewhere out of a standard neckline view

- DO listen to direction! If you're lucky enough to be with someone who will actually tell you what they want, do it.... you've been saved the trouble of having to figure it out yourself.

- DO take their cues! If he opens his mouth, try some light tongue. If she sticks her tongue forcefully in your mouth, respond in turn. People usually do to others what they like done to themselves, they're showing you what they want.

Ok.... now we'll move on to one (or two) of my favorite things... BOOBIES! ok... I'll calm my inner twelve year old boy, but boobs are an endless source of joy for me, both my own, and those of other people. First, I feel that over the bra action has been highly underestimated. If the girl is wearing the right kind of bra (minimal if any padding) playing with her nipple through the material can be a good warm up. If you can see the girl's erect nipples through the fabric, you're good to go. If you can't, just skip this part and go straight for bare skin, you'll just be wasting your efforts in a losing fight against better lifting and shaping. But light touching through fabric, especially since most bras have very smooth or silky fabric is good. I emphasize the word lightly here. It should barely feel like you're touching her at all. Also very light scratching with your fingernails through the fabric is a good feeling.

Now, the bra removal. We all get thrown... I mean, god forbid she have one with like five hooks, be wearing a sports bra or the ultimate in confusion, the front-n-loader bra, but in general most will have two to three hooks in the back. You get points for doing it without looking. I know most people have mastered this, but if anyone still has trouble, with one hand, reach around and put your thumb on one side of the hooks, pointer finger on the other, and pinch the sides together and past each other. This should unhook everything. If it doesn't, laugh it off, kiss the girl, make some self depreciating comment about how suave you are, and try two hands. If you can't get it from there, just have her do it herself, and don't let it bother you. Granted you could always pull the back rub seduction maneuver and avoid this whole ordeal, but that's a story for another entry. Now that we have that out of the way, another list of do's (and actually some don'ts this time.)

- DO pay attention to body language people! If she's pulling back slightly when you're sucking her nipple, YOU'RE SUCKING TOO HARD.

- DON'T attack the nipple right away. Like in most sex, it's all about build up. play with all of her boobs, lick and suck your way around and near the nipple, grazing it very lightly on occasion, but hold off as long as possible before actually going for it.

- DON'T assume because the last girl liked it, this one will too. Approach each girl as a new experience, because she is. Learn what she likes instead of going to standbys that have worked for you in the past.

- DO be careful of body jewelry. As a girl who has had pierced nipples, I say this on behalf of all of us. BE CAREFUL! If there are piercings, and you suck them, it's like pulling on an earring, not a pleasant feeling. Also make sure you don't snag it on anything.

- DO more then suck. Lick, kiss, nibble, and (depending on how the nibbling goes over) bite. I know it's your mammalian instinct to suck, but please, vary things up a bit.

- DO be an equal opportunist. There are two boobs. Two nipples. Play with them both. Yes, everyone has a side that they are just more comfortably positioned on, but don't let one of her boobs feel naked and neglected in the cold air.

So in short listen to your resident boobie lover cleofaye, and give them the attention and the combination of rough and gentle they deserve. And as I will always say, when in doubt just ask, and when you're unsatisfied, give direction.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

sex etc

So here it is, the inaugural edition of my new blog for anything and everything sex and sexuality related, appropriately titled sex etc.... I am not an expert, I don't have a degree in sexuality or anything (though I have a BA in psych and my senior thesis was a 23 page paper on the female orgasm), I'm just a girl who loves sex, a lot, and according to others does it pretty well.

I know that not everyone feels the same way about sex as I do, and that's where this blog comes in. I want to help everyone come, even if I can't help everyone do it personally. I want to help anyone who wants to know but is too scared to ask or has been too self conscious to try something.

When I first started having sex, I channeled my honor student instincts into lots of research. I found plenty of places telling me how to have safe sex... but I paid attention in 7th grade sex ed. Condoms are good, STD's are bad.... we know all this already. However, I had a lot of trouble finding anything telling me about the basics of things outside of vanilla, heterosexual sex (not that I'm not a big fan of that as well). I had to learn a lot from trial and error, and I want to help others avoid making the mistakes that I did.

So this blog will NOT cover sex ed from high school. Everyone has had those scare tactics enough. Use condoms if you're not fluid bonded with someone. Use whatever protection you find works best for you if you are. I've said it, and now we can move on to more interesting and useful things.

Though I do have to make the disclaimer as well that though I advocate S&M and submission in many senses, I will say that I only believe in what practitioners of BDSM refer to as SSC, safe, sane, and consensual. Be safe in your play, make sure you know what you're doing before you start, and make sure you know how to get out of it if things are too intense. Be aware of what is going on around you, and make sure you know and trust your partner and are completely comfortable with everything that will happen. Finally, make sure you know that the person you're with is comfortable with everything that's going on, and that they have the means to express any doubts in a judgment free and understanding environment. With that said, have fun out there everyone!

This blog will include things like, breakdowns and tips for everything from kissing to fisting, sex toy, book, porn and store reviews, responses to interesting sex related articles, and anything else sex related that may come up. So.... Here we go.