Friday, December 4, 2009

Does this shit happen to other people? Part 3

So it has become a running gag among my friends that I am "the worst lesbian ever." I'm inclined to agree, one since I don't really define as a lesbian, or really anything for that matter, and two because I will fully admit to having waaay too many men in my bed to call myself a self respecting lesbian.

But in general the argument against my "lesbianism" runs as follows (keep in mind that yes, this is all a joke, so yes these are all stereotypes, we're aware):

1. I like penetration over almost any other kind of stimulation

2. I pretty much hate all oral sex

3. I don't talk about feelings or my relationship with my partner

4. I hate cuddling

5. I don't do slow, kissing, loving sex

We're now going to add something else to the list that I generally don't make public knowledge, but hell, it's funny, and if anyone else has heard of it, maybe it's my readers, so here it goes. I'm allergic to chuff. Yep, allergic. Not to my own, that the good lordessa for that, but yes I'm allergic to pussy.

It all started with my first girlfriend K. I had started a new medication not that long into our relationship and a few weeks after starting it, I noticed a small cluster of red bumps near either corner of my mouth. They looked like tiny little pimples but never came to a head. They didn't really itch or hurt, but they annoyed me and I was sure it was from the medication. I went back to my doctor and when he asked me side effects, I pointed to my face.

He leaned in close and said, (and yes, this is a real quote, I shit you not) "It looks like you have the yeastie beasties" yep, that's what he said. He explained my skin was having an allergic reaction to a new kind of yeast, wrote me out a script for a topical cream and sent me on my way. He just stated briefly that he didn't know how I could have gotten it, and honestly, it didn't click at all at the time. It wasn't until a few nights later, face deep in K's chuff that I realized where exactly I had gotten it from.

I continued to use the cream everyday. The bumps cleared up and never came back. I made sure to wash my face after oral sex and it wasn't a big deal. After K, aside from a one night stand, which I walked out of the room to wash my face pretty much as soon as she'd come, I was with trans girls or men, so didn't have to worry about it. It wasn't until I started hooking up with J. It had been years (yes years! so sad, I know) since I had eaten pussy. I had completely forgotten about the "yeastie beasties" We had sex, I ate her out, and I went to sleep. I few days later, sure enough, the red bumps were back with a vengeance.

I actually found the old cream, but it has long since expired. I tried tee tree oil, advice from my hippie roommate, but while it tingled and stung a little, it didn't do anything to clear it up. I now have to face the prospect of going to my new primary and explaining that I get a rash from eating pussy. I keep looking for holistic treatments, but so far, I haven't been successful. For right now I've been washing my face a lot and getting her off other ways while I figure it out. So yeah, I'm allergic to pussy. I argue that may, in fact, make me the worst lesbian in the world. So the secret is out. I now have to remember to explain to girls before hand why I run to the bathroom after eating them out (then remember to actually do it, a shame since I so love cum and sort of enjoy the feeling for a little bit at least) and explain it has nothing to do with them or their beautiful, amazing, wonderful pussies.

So has anyone else ever had this happen or does this kind of shit only happen to me? If you've heard of it, had it, or know any good all natural cures, I'd love to hear them. So that's it for me kiddies, as always, I sign off with, if you don't know, ask, if you're unsatisfied, give direction!


  1. WOW that totally sucks! I've never heard of it but I really don't have a lot of experience with eating pussy.

  2. I got nothing in the helpful department, but want to say thanks for the laugh. That's freakin' funny!

  3. While I'm not allergic to pussy (thankfully), I have discovered that I am allergic to male ejaculate. Not that it stops me from swallowing at all as I adore it, but my whole mouth goes numb.

  4. Interesting. At least I'm not allergic to both I guess. Though I am allergic to latex as well, found that out the hard way too... I swear my body is trying to tell me something.

  5. I had no idea .... Cleafaye - I am also allergic to latex.