Thursday, August 6, 2009

PSA: Pussy love

Women notoriously hate their own pussies. It's a problem. They're self conscious and inhibited when it comes to being seen, or god forbid being gone down on. This is RIDICULOUS, but understandable. I used to be one of those women myself. If it's not obvious already, I've gotten over it. I'm going to try to keep this entry brief, but it's a subject close to my heart. For my senior thesis, I wrote a 20+ page paper on the female orgasm, and all the things, physical and psychological that can get in the way, and more then a few of them are centered around women's feelings about their chuffs.

It's understandable that girls usually aren't comfortable with their chuffs. From an early age, we're told that we shouldn't touch, look, or play with it, whereas boys have their hands almost exclusively down their pants for the first 5 or 6 years of their lives (and honestly not much changes as the get older). Girl's are told that it's "dirty" or "good girls don't do that." As a result most girls get to adulthood without having really looked at or explored their own body, and with a residual, latent understanding that it's dirty or nasty to do so. We need to explain to young girls that while having touching themselves in the middle of the grocery store may not be appropriate, there is nothing wrong with exploring their bodies in the privacy of their own rooms.

Most sex books aimed at women start with a chapter on how to masturbate. Just stop and think about that for a second. The idea of having to to teach a boy, let alone a man to masturbate is laughable, yet here we are, forced to show women with diagrams and written instructions what they should be doing. But penises are external, they are easy to see and even easier to play with, and when boys are aroused, it produces an obvious change and the increased sensation is easy for even the youngest boys to discover. This leads to a much earlier start in figuring out what they like, and how to give themselves pleasure. Girls, on the other hand, tend to not "accidentally" discover masturbation, it usually takes a deliberate effort to find one's own clit, let alone the g spot. (and don't even get me started on those of us with short arms and stubby fingers who can't reach our own g spots.... oh wait.... that's just me?.... oh, ok....oops)

This internal vs. external anatomical difference between men and women is, in my opinion, what makes all the...urm.... difference. Men see other penises all the time, in gyms, in movies, and lord knows boys like to flash their penises at each other well into their twenties (what exactly is that about anyway?). They see how different they can look and it just sort of becomes a part of life. Women, on the other hand, don't know what other women look like. This mystique allows for insecurities to fester, since without seeing what other women actually look like, we tend to assume the grass is greener, or in the case, the pussy is cuter.

The only opportunity most women get to see other pussies up close is porn. However, in recent times, there has been an increasing push for women in porn to not only conform to certain general standard of beauty (you know, big boobs, big hair, big lips, tiny waist (and of course we're talking about run of the mill mainstream porn, since the standard changes with different fetishes)), as well as a standard look for their pussies. Almost all women in porn's vags look pretty much the same. Small, symmetrical inner labia. Cute, yes, but completely unrealistic. Just as most women don't have boobs that are exactly the same size, very few women have labia the same size either. Many women also have long inner labia, that can sometimes stick out from between the outer labia. The porn star Houston famously had a labiaplasty, to trim her inner labia to the standard. (She also auctioned off the left over pieces, but I'm ignoring that part of it, because frankly that skeeves me a bit. I'm all for different strokes for different folks and all that, but buying a piece of someone's genitalia is a little much, even for me.)

So women get unrealistic expectations of what pussies look like, then get all self conscious when theirs look different. There are images of real pussies out there, but you have to actively look for them. I recommend Sex for One, the joy of self loving by Betty Dodson. Betty Dodson was a pioneer in sex education for women in the 70's. She ran workshops where women explored their own pussies, and everyone else's in the group. She is also an artist. In her book she has realistic, detailed drawings of her friend's vaginas, as well as a few portraits of them masturbating or having sex. There is also a few vagina coloring books, though they tend to be hard to find, since I think they are out of print. However, you can usually find them at feminist or queer bookstores. They're a good way of getting a more realistic understanding what pussy is actually supposed to look like.

Now we come to the other major hang up that women have, the smell/taste. Trust me girls, as someone who loves pussy, and has licked my fair share, the smell, the taste is good! It's part of the package. We know generally what it's going to smell like before we go down there, so it's not like it's a big shock. Yes,girls taste different, and the taste changes over the course of the month, but the fact is, I've never been with someone who's taste I really hated. The preference of taste and smell comes down to genetic compatibility. We're evolutionarily programed to like the smell of people who are more genetically different then us, since that's who we should theoretically be making genetically superior little babies with. This means even if someone doesn't like the way you taste, it's not that you taste bad, it's that your body chemistry don't mix. If this bothers you, feel free to find someone who loves your taste, as they are most definitely out there. This also means, we're not engineered to like own own smell, so the likelihood is that we think it's much worse then the person who is actually tasting it does. With all of that said, if you're smell changes suddenly, and is distinctly different then you've noticed before, is fishy or sour, it could be an indication of a bacterial or yeast infection. If you're having itching or pain with these symptoms, you may want to talk to your doctor.

So women, can I just go down on the record with one simple request? OWN IT! Your pussy can do amazing things. It can push out a baby for christ sakes, and don't even get me started on all the fabulous ways it can come, making us scream, or moan, or catch our breath in intense feelings so pleasurable they are almost indescribable without the worn out cliches of romance novel quality. With all that power packed into such a small compact little place, who gives a shit if it doesn't look like some cookie cutter porn star. OWN IT. It gives your partner as much pleasure as it gives you, and if he/she ever makes you feel less then amazing about it, they're not worth your time. For a long time, I was embarrassed by my asymmetric pussy with one labia that's much bigger then the other. Eventually, with a little soul searching, I came to make peace with what I now like to refer to as my one, long, flowing labia. It's beautiful, just like every other pussy I've ever had the privilege of seeing/playing with/tasting.

So that's my rant for this week. Take it from your go to pussy advocate cloefaye, and love your pussy, in all it's real girl, asymmetric, long flowing labia-ed glory! As always, I sign off saying when in doubt, just ask, and when you're unsatisfied, give direction.

By the way, I swear that promised kink post is coming soon, probably next thursday, after monday's how to.

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