Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Anal play: Fingering

So.... We've officially started, I think I just crossed the line away from vanilla sex for the first time since starting this blog. It was only a matter of time, I pride myself on being one kinky bitch, but I just want to make sure you're all prepared. Are you buckled in? Because it's going to be a fun ride.

Personally, anal (which, by the by, is one of my least favorite words in the english language, every time I hear it I picture some prudish nun dragging it into a three of four syllable word... Aaaaannnal! So we're going to stick with butt or bum play from here on out. I know, I have issues, No, I don't know where this vision comes from, Yes, I did spend time in catholic school, why do you ask?) play has never been taboo or anything out of the ordinary. My first boyfriend, P, was very into butt play, and everything I knew about sex when I met him I had picked up from porn, so I it never struck me as something I wouldn't want to do. I learned pretty quickly that I enjoyed it, it wasn't until I started having sex with new partners, and started talking about sex that I realized that not everyone enjoyed butt play as much as I did.

I realize that for a lot of the people the main reason again bum play is the idea of poop. It's pretty much impossible to write about butt play without addressing poop, since, yes, it is your butt and poop is always a possibility. This is something you just have to accept. It's not going to kill you, it doesn't always, or even usually happen, and if it does and it freaks you out, well you can always stop. This is what baby wipes are for people! A package by the bed is worth it's weight in gold, I swear. That said, there are some things you can do, as the recipient, to minimize the probability of getting "messy."
- There is the enema route. I'll admit I've never done this, so I can't say much about it, here's an article about it . It seems like a bit of a process to me, but some people swear by it. I know it's used routinely in the porn industry, take that as an endorsement or discouragement as you'd like.

- Just go to the bathroom before play. You're an adult. Long ago you mastered the concept of knowing when you had to go. If you have that feeling at all, go before you play, simple as that, it's really just common courtesy. Also, this should go without saying, but clean yourself up well and makes sure there's no toilet paper stuck in your ass hair please!

- You can use gloves. Latex if you're partner isn't allergic, nonlatex if they are. It's easy clean up, it can keep an uneasy partner's squeamishness at bay, and it's a good safe sex practice if you're not fluid bonded with the person you're having sex with.

- If you're having stomach problems at all... it's probably not a good idea. It's a downright bad idea. Just don't.

- Be good about clean up. Wash your hands with a good antibacterial soap afterwords, and be thorough.

So, as the saying goes, shit happens, but if you're prepared and keep your head, it's both preventable and manageable.

So now that all the poo talk is out of the way, onto things that are considerably more fun to talk about. The DOs and DON'Ts of butt play.

- First and foremost, DON'T sneak attack anyone with butt play. Unless someone has expressly stated they want something in their bum, it is not ok to do it without asking first. EVER!

- DO USE LUBE! Do not trust porn which wants to make people believe that spit or vaginal lubrication is enough. That is not true. Porn cuts out the lube application, but it is still there. Use a good amount, spread it around their asshole, push some inside with the tip of your finger. Until you find an amount that's good for you, err on the side of more, not less.

- DO NOT use anal ease or any other kind of numbing lube. Anything that numbs your skin will just prevent you from knowing that you're being too rough until you've caused damage. If done right, you shouldn't need a numbing agent. Not all lubes are clear about the fact that they are numbing agents. Look for words that end in "caine" like lidocaine on the label.

- DO NOT let it hurt. Butt play should not hurt. Let me say that again. BUTT PLAY SHOULD NOT HURT! EVER! If it hurts, it means you're doing something wrong. Stop, try more lube, slow down, but don't ever, ever sit there and think that's how it is supposed to feel. Butt play can be a little different and maybe uncomfortable, especially for those new to the experience, but it shouldn't be painful.

- DO speak up! Communication is key in all sexual activity, but even more so playing with someone's bum. You need to feel comfortable expressing your needs. If something hurts, you need to be able to speak up and let them know before they hurt you.

- DO pay attention. If you're the one giving the bum play, be sure you're paying attention to your partner's reactions and anything they say. If you feel your fingers start to drag, use more lube, don't wait for them to tell you to.

- DO pay attention to hygiene. I talked about this during the fingering entry. All that goes double for butt play. The tissue in your butt is delicate, it can be ripped pretty easily. No ripped fingernails, no ragged cuticles, short nails, and everything must be clean.

- DO allow the recipient to have control. I find this easiest on all fours with the person giving behind them. This way they can push back or pull forward at their own pace, and lets them get comfortable.

- DO warm them up. Most people like a little warm up before any penetration. This can be teasing and playing with their butthole with a lubed finger, or rimming (which will be another entry shortly) helps a lot of people relax.

- DO relax. Butt play is mostly mental. If you're not into it, if you're scared that it will hurt, or worried about the poo factor, it's not going to feel good. Just relax, let go, and enjoy yourself, or else nothing is going in your butt that night.

- DO pair it with something they like. Have them play with their clit, jerk him off during butt play, put a finger in her vag as well, make butt play something that intensifies something they already enjoy. Also, don't think that just because bum play is some sort of taboo it has to be porn star sex and distant. Kiss them, caress them, suck on their thighs and buttcheeks. It can be just as intimate as anything else, if you want it to be. (Not that I'm saying it has to, trust me, I'm as big a fan of a good detached pounding as anyone else)

Butt play has given me some of the best orgasms of my life. It has also been one of the most painful experiences when it was done carelessly (and I've had piercings and plenty of tattoos, so that's saying a lot). Be aware and be gentle, at least at first. So this is cleofaye saying, give bums a chance and, as always, when in doubt, just ask, and when you're unsatisfied, give direction!

2 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for your simple words of advice. Giving directions is far from a strong point of mine, but i will use this advice to my best advantage!

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  2. Thanks for this write up - it is so true that anal stimulation can be extreme in both directions - incredibly pleasurable or very painful, depending on skill, awareness and communication. We believe everyone can experience fabulous anal pleasure as part of a healthy sex life - our download-to-own video guides show you the skills to keep it highly pleasurable and pain-free.

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