Thursday, August 20, 2009

Abstinence: The best sex you ever had

Don't worry, don't freak out. I'm not changing my tune. I'm still the same sex lovin' girl you've come to expect. And lord knows I'm not really one to talk about abstinence, but the fact is I wanted to put some ideas out there before moving on to the up coming how to blogs on penetrative sex. I think that abstinence as a concept and especially as a school curriculum is a little (or a lot) ridiculous and unrealistic. Why would we wait? Why should we? Sex is fun and feels good. It's exciting and interesting. Not to mention the orgasms. I know all of that, and I totally agree, but I think there is something to be added to the discussion.

I've spoken before about the idea of calculated risk. Having sex with anyone is a calculated risk. Nothing is one hundred percent fool proof protection from STD's, but that's something we know and we consider before we make decisions about who we sleep with and what form of protection we use. Things like like fingering, hand jobs, and oral sex are at significantly lower risk of STD's, and afford no risk of pregnancy, yet they are often ignored as satisfying sexual acts.

I was with my first boyfriend for over a year before we finally had sex. I was 20, and wanted to explore my sexuality, but I'm also a very paranoid bitch and the idea of getting pregnant terrified me. I wasn't ready to take that risk. Finally, after 13 months, I took the plunge. Ever since then, I haven't placed much value on waiting to have sex with someone. I won't kiss someone I wouldn't be willing to have sex with, and if I'm willing, what's the point of waiting, right? I've spent the past five years skipping all the bases and sticking to what I knew best. Then, after a recent breakup, I decided to go cold turkey. No sex. I wanted to prove to myself that I could hold off, since I hadn't before.

I met up with a boy who wanted to be dominated. I told him up front that there would be no sex. He agreed. I wasn't expecting the sexual chemistry we had. We pulled off each others clothes and made out like teenagers. Then I got a hold of myself and reminded him that my underwear needed to stay on. They did, but for the next two hours our half naked, dry humping, sweaty, heavy breathing selves didn't come up for air. And you know what? It was fun. It was hot. It was sexy. Most of all, it was creative. We savored the little sensations of naked skin against naked skin, of fingertips lightly trailing along lips, of lips kissing along, but never crossing the line he needed to stay above.

It left me wanting more. I felt unsatisfied in a different, exciting way. It wasn't at all like bad sex, it was a desire to see what else we could come up with, and how else we could play without crossing the line. I was surprised that I felt that way. I wanted to have sex with him. I thought about just saying fuck it and doing it that night, but not doing it left me intrigued and thinking about him much longer then I had my latest sex partner.

It also got me thinking, back to my paranoia days, to the time when my virginity was still intact, but my horniness had been tapped. I began to realize that I loved that time. I got off constantly. I learned what I liked because there were so many things to try. I used all of my body to get my partner off, my boobs, my hands, my mouth, my feet, my thighs. It wasn't all about the pussy. I never knew how things were going to go, how things were going to end. I got to be the center of attention. I had some of the most intense orgasms in my life during this time.

That stopped when I started having sex. I stopped having to be creative. I stopped having to try to top myself. I knew that every sexual encounter we had after that would end with him having sex with me. I wasn't unhappy with the sex I was having, I got off, a lot, but it never had the same fun or excitement as I did before sex was on the table.

My decision to not have sex with this boy was arbitrary. But there are other situations where sex is off the table, about when even a calculated risk can be decided to be too much. My roommate, Jim, the pistol in bed thirteen (who is fabulous in ways I can't describe, and if I could I would dedicate an entire entry to how he has helped me be the sexual person I am, who knows, maybe I will) has had partners that were HIV positive. This brings a whole other level to the understanding of calculated risk. It also brings non penetrative sex to the forefront of sexual activity. We talked about it, and he's not unhappy or unsatisfied like you would think. He's having some of the best sex of his life.

So, like I said, I'm not saying you shouldn't have sex. I'm just saying enjoy all of those fun, creative things you can do instead. Think outside the box. A sexual encounter doesn't have to end in penetrative sex to be good. Don't disregard everything else as some consolation prize when you can't have sex. Revel in the sensation of having someone getting you off, in all forms, in any form! Hold off on sex and see how many other things you can come up with, you might be surprised how much fun it is, and most of all, once you have sex, don't forget those things are there. So that's my rant for today. I leave you kids, as always, saying when in doubt, just ask, and when you're unsatisfied, give direction!

1 comment:

  1. Great entry--very inspiring and food for thought! - J