Thursday, July 30, 2009

PSA: Partner trust and power play

(After the start of a blog post, which gave me a lot to think about, I decided that as well as all the fun we will have here, with the how to's, the reviews, and the kink 101's, there will be the occasional completely serious and, in my opinion, important posts. I'm going to label these PSA's, so you'll know before hand, and feel free to skip them if that's not what you're here for, but I do think they will be worth your time. So here you go)

I was starting to write a blog about sensation play, which included a discussion of trust, when I realized that the concept of trust with your partner was important enough to garner it's own separate entry. I'm not going to sit here and talk about the joys of monogamy or bash casual sex. I enjoy casual sex, and I'm not too good at monogamy in general, and that's not what I'm talking about.

Sex can be casual and good, it can also be casual and kinky without problems. However, it's a fine line that is drawn, and you need to be smart and safe. Use your common sense. Don't let someone tie you up that you don't trust with your life, same with being blindfolded. Yes, most people are safe and considerate partners who would never intentionally hurt you (outside of what you asked for of course) or take advantage of the situation, but better safe then sorry.

No self respecting dom (I also use the word top, these are interchangeable) should start a scene, no matter how mild, without a safe word in place. You may think this is overkill or unnecessary, but again better safe then sorry. You never know how you are going to react to different situations and forms of stimulation. Something you were interested in and agreed to beforehand may completely freak you out in the moment, and you need a way to communicate that to your partner. There are also stories of people bringing up repressed memories of rape or past abuse during a session, again something that isn't likely, but something that should be kept in mind.

A good top should also ask for some rough guidelines, some dos and don'ts, so they know the boundaries before they even come close to crossing them. I know this can seem to take the spontaneity out of the experience, but again, it's much better then involuntarily stumbling on something that completely freaks your partner out and could potentially change your relationship irreparably. The easiest way to have this conversation and still keep that sense of spontaneity is to have it somewhere completely innocuous. I suggest doing it after agreeing to NOT try it that night. This allows the top to think up all sorts of things they want to try, knowing the boundaries they have to work with and gives the top the power to spring it on the bottom unexpectedly.

Power exchange can be either something you do once a while in bed or a lifestyle. When I met my first boyfriend, P, the idea of being a sub appealed a lot to me. I wasn't ready to be responsible for my own life yet, so having someone tell me what to do was comforting. I let him control me, in bed and out of it. I pretty much gave up who I was to be who he told me to be. I trusted him completely. I trusted him with my pleasure, my pain tolerance, and my virginity, which at the time was still intact.

P and I had been dating for about 7 or 8 months, and were both getting frustrated not having sex. We drove each other crazy dry humping naked, but I was just too scared to go through with it. (I was like the one kid the "you will get the chlamydia and you will die!" lesson plan worked on) We were fooling around, naked, grinding like crazy, driving ourselves crazy and getting intensely turned on. We broke apart, catching our breath, when P expressed his frustration and asked me why we couldn't have sex. I understood. I was terrified of having sex. I'm incredibly unlucky and was sure I would be the girl using every form of protection possible who still managed to get pregnant. At the same time, I grew up Catholic, and there was a large part of me that was scared and guilty about what I was doing, and wasn't ready to cross that line into real, live, premarital sex. All of these fears were hard for me to articulate, and even harder for P to understand, though he tried hard to respect my wishes.

We were discussing, for what seemed like the hundredth time, why we weren't having sex, when did I think I would be ready, and what it would take for me to feel ready. I felt guilty, I was a virgin, waiting wasn't that hard for me, but P had been a bit of a man whore in his younger days, and liked to remind me that his time with me was the longest he had ever gone without sex. In an effort to give him something, I told him he could put our favorite sex toy in my butt. It seemed to cheer him up a bit and he got it out of the drawer. I got on my hand and knees, giving him full access to my ass. He lubed up, put the toy in, and off we went. I buried my face in the pillow, I had a tendency to be loud, and gave myself up to the moment.

I felt him take the toy out, and I didn't really know why. I could sense him jerking off behind me, and I didn't think anything of it, I mean, I was getting off, why shouldn't he. Then I felt him put his dick to my asshole. I know that I said no. I don't know how loud I was, but I know I said it. To this day, I have no idea if he heard me. He pushed the head in, and started thrusting. I started to cry, but he couldn't see my face, and continued to thrust into me. His cock slipped out, and I collapsed on the bed, pulling myself away from him and sobbing.

P took one look at me and started to cry. He told me it's what he thought I wanted. When I asked, he said he didn't know if he had heard me or not. I had to comfort him and tell him everything was ok, when I was dying inside. I had to pull myself together to drive back to school, and go through the motions like nothing had happened and nothing had changed. For about a week I had to field his drunken phone calls and tell him no, he's not a bad person, no, I don't hate him, no, he shouldn't kill himself.

Then, it was like it had never happened. P went back to the way things were before pretty quickly, and got angry when I couldn't do the same. He would demand to know why I didn't want to be tied up, why didn't I want to be dommed, why wasn't I as fun as I used to be. I stayed with him for another year and a half. After I lost my virginity to him, I figured there wasn't anything else he could do to me, so I let him do all those things I'd denied him before. I let him tie me up, call me a bitch and a whore, and play out rape fantasies. I let him smack me, spank me, and hit me with riding crops. I did it not because I wanted to, or because I enjoyed it, but because I resigned myself to it. I felt like I didn't deserve better. I was in it for all the wrong reasons, but I didn't see that until much much later. That is not a what D/s relationships, or BDSM is about, and it's important to know the difference.

Before you let someone, anyone, tie you up, hit you, explore any kind of power dynamics with you, make sure you know why you're doing it, and make sure you're doing it for the right reasons. I'm back in the lifestyle again, though I dom now. I don't think I ever could sub again, because for me, being blindfolded or bound takes me back to that time and headspace, somewhere I need to never be again. I'm not telling this story to scare anyone, or to get sympathy, but because I can't think of any cautionary tale I could tell with as much understanding as my own. Be careful with power exchanges. Make sure the person you're giving power to deserves it, knows how much responsibility it is, and has your safety and sanity at heart.

I've been told this entry ended on a total down note. I need to change that, it's not my intention. I do enjoy S&M, I just can't sub anymore, and that's my own issue. I think there are plenty of people who sub for the right reasons, and love it, but that just wasn't me. I've really gotten a lot of pleasure out of domming. I enjoy planning and plotting, and thinking about all the ways I could play with my sub. I'm happier with myself now, and I think someday in the future I'll find someone I trust enough to give up my control. I look forward to it, but in the meantime, I'm happy with my subs and slaves, and I'll never stop getting a kick out of being called mistress.

No comments:

Post a Comment